Fic: Mrs Saxon's Diary. Part 10/10

[elisi]

Lookie what I finished! I hope it was worth waiting for - and that anyone is around to read it... *crosses fingers*

Setting: Last of The Timelords.
Spoilers: End of S3.
Pairing: Lucy/Harry.
Rating: PG-13.
Previous parts here. Many thank you's to kathyh for the look-through and the encouragement!


Shortly after the Master's death

Jack brought me my diary. I'm locked in one of the smaller bedrooms, one of those that Harry designed to double as holding-cells in case he needed someone detaining.

"Tish found it," he said, handing it over, and I smiled a little. I bet little Tish also tried her best to open it, but Harry fitted this book with an isomorphic lock shortly after he told me what he was - just in case. He really did think of everything. Almost.

"You're quite the hero," he continued, studying me. "The Joneses have spent the whole year plotting to kill him, and then you're the one to shoot him. They think they misjudged you."

I couldn't help it - I started laughing. Laughed so hard that I was left gasping for air and shaking.

Jack however didn't crack a smile. "He asked you to do it, didn't he?" he finally asked, and I nodded.

"I told you I'd do anything for him, remember?"

"I remember," he said; then tilted his head, his eyes holding no kindness. “You know... from where I’m standing it looks like he abandoned you.”

I sat still for a moment, studying the book in my hands, then looked up. “No. I know where he is, and I could follow. But you took the gun off me.”

He stared at me for a long time, and the sudden pity in his eyes was almost enough to make me hit him. I was the Master’s wife, the only one he trusted. I know they will all be celebrating Martha, talking about how brave she was. What do they know?

Saving the world is easy. But destroying it - destroying the one thing that makes life worth living - that is not something she could do, nor something the Doctor would ever ask. But Harry did, and I obeyed. His faithful companion.

“What happens to me now?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from the huge, vast emptiness that is all I have left.

“I... don’t know,” he replied, a little thrown. “I guess it’s up to the Doctor to decide.”

I smiled coldly. “The Doctor... the kind, forgiving Doctor. Who saved the world and sentenced the last of humanity to-”

I couldn’t continue. Suddenly I was shivering, cold horror welling up inside.

“Lucy - what is it?” I hadn’t seen him move, but suddenly Jack was kneeling in front of me, careful not to touch but looking concerned - more concerned than anyone has looked since father died.

“Utopia,” I whispered, cradling the book to my chest. “The Master showed me- I know how it ends. Maybe one day you will see it too, Jack, if you really live forever. And then you’ll understand. Nothing matters. Nothing at all. Everything you will have done will have been for nothing, because there is only the cold and the dark left.”

Jack clearly didn’t know what to say. Slowly he got up, an apologetic look on his face.

“Look... I really need to get clean, and there are a lot of things I have to do. I’ll try to be back though.”

I didn’t reply until his hand was on the door handle.

“It won’t come off, you know. The dirt. It’ll never come off.”

He turned and looked at me, and for a second there was real anger and hurt on his face. I braced myself for what might come, but then he seemed to shake it off, catching my eyes.

“Lucy... they’re like the sun. We look at them and get blinded. But if you turn away there’s still a whole world out there, and it is... beautiful.”

I stared at him, unsure, and he shook his head, a smile on his face that I couldn’t understand. Like he knew a secret I didn’t.

“I’m not going back to the Doctor.”

Then he swiftly left, locking the door behind him.

I’ve been sitting here thinking about his words. I don’t understand what he’s trying to prove. Maybe he’s just scared that the Doctor still doesn’t want him.

But in some aspects I know that he was right. My Master was a sun, bright and terrible, blinding. And now he is gone everything is dark and I can’t see my way.

Still - I know that it is a just punishment. The light was too much for me, and for just a moment I wished it gone - for a second closed my eyes and prayed for darkness. And the prayer was answered.

Maybe if I wasn’t human I’d have been stronger. And yet for the first time I am grateful for what I am. Because no matter what, some day I will die and the pain will stop...

~~~

My story is finished now, but I wonder how I will be remembered. How we will be remembered. He murdered the President, and then I murdered him - that’s how it will be told. Blood and death writing our names into history.

My Master would have liked that.

The End

(Author's notes: I decided against having Lucy be the one to pick up the Master's ring for two reasons: 1) It's already been done in fic, and done well. 2) I always wanted this to be a canon compliant FitB, and we don't know if the Master will ever return, nor how. Also it would start a new story, and that I am not interested in. I liked ending here, leaving Lucy on her own, unsure what would happen next.)

Comments

[elisi]

Me too. I really liked the writing of Martha there (and the acting of course) - she didn't suddenly go in denial about feeling anything, but she was genuinenly happy with the choice she made, and it showed. Go Martha!
*cheers for Martha* I also loved how they did the Jack/Martha interactions - they showed perfectly that they cared deeply for each other, and shared something very special, and yet didn't really *know* each other.

With Jack, I always thought it pretty much clinched his decision, though I'm sure he mostly had his mind made up before.
Yes, I think you're right. (Also antelope_writes has some wonderful Jack (Fragments) meta here, if you want more.) I do love that the first thing that happens to him when he returns to Torchwood is that John shows up, giving him great insights into the Doctor's feelings. ("But you can't trust him!"/"Oh no.")

But that was my interpretation. Since it showed that there was one person who was that important to the Master, and it would never be her.
And I loved that interpretation (but couldn't use it myself, without ripping you off. Bother! *g*). But still - I think that is very important, and has made me think a lot about the Doctor's feelings for the Master & Rose respectively.

Otoh, I think in the aftermath of the event itself she might have also felt a flicker of - well, the Doctor was the only other person in the room who hadn't been hoping and praying for the Master to die during the last year and wasn't glad it finally happened.
Oh yes - I really wanted to deal with that in more detail, but couldn't work out how. As it was, I had to leave it at the musings on how destroying what you love being harder than saving it, which Lucy knows that the Doctor understands. Maybe one day I'll write an epilogue where the two of them have a talk (not feeling clever enough right now, don't know how to approach it).

Anyway, thank you again for all your fabulous thoughts - I think I could talk about this all day, although (as the lateness of this reply testifies to) I really don't have the time.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link. I do have a quite different (and darker) take on Jack and would question the saintliness in particular, as well as her interpretation of the Utopia scenes and End of Days, and her interpretation of Gwen in the comments, but it's interesting to read, especially because it's so very different from what I see in Jack.

(Jack: is the man who after seeing Victorian Torchwood execute the blowfish and exhibit a, shall we say, highly ruthless and xenophobic attitude in general does work for them for a century, and no, they didn't have a "hold" over him. Even assuming their influence was strong enough in Britain itself that he wouldn't have been able to stick around under their radar - he could have gone anywhere in the world, but no, he became a mercenary for When It's Alien It's Ours (tm). Because it was convenient and easy. Jack is the man who would have left Tosh right where she was if she hadn't agreed to work for him and completely played her before by emphasizing three times how hopeless her situation was until she was ready to beg and promise to do anything, which is far more ruthless a recruitment than his own was. Jack is the man who got quite a number of people in Cardiff killed because he let possessed!Carys - after she had taken the Doctor's hand hostage. Not any living person, mind, just the hand. And he knew possessed!Carys was lethal. Keeping the hand was more important to him than any of those lives, and I fully blame him for every single death that occured after Carys got out. Jack is the man who used the resurrection glove on Owen fully knowing there could be negative effects; after Suzie, that was pretty obvious, even if he didn't know the exact details of what would happen. The twelve people who died as a consequence as well as Owen's current undead state are entirely Jack's responsibility. Jack is the man who managed to miss two members of his team were emotionally highly unstable to a homicidal and suicidal degree (Suzie and Owen) and, oh, apparantly never investigated beyond the pretty surface with Ianto pre-Cyberwoman, either.

Now that's not saying he isn't also self-sacrificial, or forgiving. But this is in addition to being a complete bastard. Not instead of it.

[elisi]

but it's interesting to read, especially because it's so very different from what I see in Jack.
*nods* My next 'big' fic project is 'Jack-is-The-Immortal' (from TGiQ), so I am welcoming all insights into the character. (I swear, everything fits almost *too* well. And trying to bridge the gaps that there are, is a fabulous challenge.)

Because it was convenient and easy.
I think RTD said in TW Declassifed that Jack (at that point) was prepared to do pretty much anything for money. There was also (IMHO) an attempt to hopefully change TW from the inside (although it was very longterm), but (as the blowfish executions show so *beautifully*) he has that ruthless streak and it's wide.

Keeping the hand was more important to him than any of those lives, and I fully blame him for every single death that occured after Carys got out.
I so wish I could re-watch S1, because I've forgotten lots of plotpoints, but I agree with you here, definitely.

Jack is the man who used the resurrection glove on Owen fully knowing there could be negative effects; after Suzie, that was pretty obvious, even if he didn't know the exact details of what would happen.
Jack's faults are in many ways the same as Angel's (which I like) - there is the distinct possibility that he might have gone through with the ritual in The Deeper Well to save Fred if Spike hadn't been there. (Also see his whole 'destroy the Black Thorn' plan.) It is a character trait that can see them be incredibly noble, or incredibly selfish.

Jack is the man who managed to miss two members of his team were emotionally highly unstable to a homicidal and suicidal degree (Suzie and Owen) and, oh, apparantly never investigated beyond the pretty surface with Ianto pre-Cyberwoman, either.
I think we need to distinguish between Jack before and after he runs off to the Doctor - he is much more together and concerned with his team in S2.

Now that's not saying he isn't also self-sacrificial, or forgiving. But this is in addition to being a complete bastard. Not instead of it.
Absolutely. :)

I

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Jack-is-the-Immortal is a delightful idea. (And yes, he so would have gone for a threesome with Darla and Dru. Concurrently. Oh, the faces of the boys!)

I think RTD said in TW Declassifed that Jack (at that point) was prepared to do pretty much anything for money. There was also (IMHO) an attempt to hopefully change TW from the inside (although it was very longterm), but (as the blowfish executions show so *beautifully*) he has that ruthless streak and it's wide.

That's what I was trying to say. Now the ruthlessness can be applied for the greater good, and with Jack in the present, it most often is, but it also can serve selfish purposes. Torchwood was willing to pay, it provided a really good cover for someone who was immortal and was going to have to fake his identities several times, and since they were looking for the Doctor anyway, they were a good source of information to him. As I said: very convenient. And that was more important to him, at that point, then the lives of potential other blowfish captured and executed thanks to him.

Jack's faults are in many ways the same as Angel's (which I like) -

Agreed there, though my example for Angel (i.e. the action simultanously noble and selfish) would be his bargain with Wolfram & Hart to save Connor. And then we have Willow, because Willow resurrecting Buffy is an obvious inspiration to what Jack does to Owen.

I think we need to distinguish between Jack before and after he runs off to the Doctor - he is much more together and concerned with his team in S2.

True, and that's why I have a different take on the whole "how dare the team betray/distrust Jack?" etc. Because trust, especially emotional trust, goes both ways. In s1, we can see Jack in many ways is distant from them all, including Ianto, whom he has sex with. And I think that's not just because he's relatively new to leading a group - he was a freelance agent until 2000, which is quite different - but also because he doesn't expect to stay with them. He expects to leave them once he's reunited with the Doctor. And because he's made them all more or less exclusively dependent on him, with the exception of Gwen, that makes for a very dysfunctional power imbalance in emotions. Remember, none of the others have lives outside Torchwood. And given the whole retcon/nobody leaves Torchwood policy, Jack literally has the power of a god or at least an absolute monarch over them. And he never lets them look beyond the charming man of mystery facade. Frankly, with that and everything else going on in s1, I wasn't at all surprised everyone snapped.

Now, in s2, he came back for them, and now he does commit to these people. Who, and that's important, have also formed a bond with each other while he was gone. Contrary to Gwen-bashing fanon, she and Ianto get along really well and are easy and comfortable with each other. Gwen and Tosh call each endearments, and Gwen and Owen are friends instead of their messed up affair in s1. They also found out they can do without Jack in this job. They're not so exclusively dependent on Jack, and that makes for far more balanced and healthier relationships all around.

Re: I

[elisi]

Jack-is-the-Immortal is a delightful idea.
Isn't it just? scarlettgirl came up with the idea, and then plotbunnies just started attacking me...

And yes, he so would have gone for a threesome with Darla and Dru. Concurrently. Oh, the faces of the boys!
So. Much. Fun. :)

As I said: very convenient. And that was more important to him, at that point, then the lives of potential other blowfish captured and executed thanks to him.
*nods* (I could say more, but I'll explore it in fic soon, so I'd better not ramble here cause I won't stop...)

his bargain with Wolfram & Hart to save Connor.
Oh I was going to mention that, and forgot. But yes - and we saw Wesley rebelling (and with good cause).

Willow resurrecting Buffy is an obvious inspiration to what Jack does to Owen.
Hm... I can sort of see that, but Willow's action is a lot more carefully planned, whereas Jack is just impulsive. Actually, after Fragments, I think there can be made a good case for Jack finally snapping at Owen's death, and quite simply *refusing* to lose any more team members/friends - Alex murders the previous team before committing suicide, and Suzie kills herself, but Jack knows that he wasn't there for them as he should have been. But now it's different...

Frankly, with that and everything else going on in s1, I wasn't at all surprised everyone snapped.
Jack is - again - very Angel like, not opening up to anyone, and therefore they don't know what he has to deal with. (Have you seen obfreak's Behind Blue Eyes? It is the most perfect S1 Jack vid ever.) (I love meta vids.)

They're not so exclusively dependent on Jack, and that makes for far more balanced and healthier relationships all around.
I'm really liking S2. :)

[selenak.livejournal.com]

One more thing: all of Jack's big traumas? He inflicts on other people. It's an interesting pattern. Look:

Torture: we know it happened to Jack (he mentions it in "Captain Jack Harkness"), and we know Jack tortured other people, and routinely, too (he mentions it in "Countricide", leaving it open whether he did this as a Time Agent or when with Torchwood, but he did it; also arguably his treatment of Beth was torture).

Loss of memory: he retcons people left, right and center.

Abandonment by person(s) he cared for and looked up to without explanation:
see also Jack running off at the end of "End of Days".

Resurrection into immortal state: hello, Owen. (Except for Owen getting the darkside treatment of deathlessness as he's not instant-healing but instead superfragile, with every wound forever and no way of knowing whether he'll drop dead the next second or in a millennium.)

And now for the big one, the thing everyone pities Jack most for, i.e. the Doctor's "you are wrong" statement (which btw in Utopia is followed by the Doctor admitting he's wrong to feel that way and apologizing to Jack, but somehow that part never gets quoted): Hello, Owen (again), with Jack's opening statement in "A Day in the Death" while (temporarily) firing relieving him of duty.

[elisi]

One more thing: all of Jack's big traumas? He inflicts on other people. It's an interesting pattern. Look:
Did I mention how much I love this show and all its wonderful, wonderful circles? With you on all everything you mention - I am actually reminded of one of the best things I've seen written about Jack (by fodian, from this post, dealing with the Jack/Ianto scene in To The Last Man):

~

Jack: Going home wouldn't fix that. Holy shit. This is such a welcome change from last year's "living in the 21st century is such an unbearable burden" mantra. I mean, Jack *is* lonely and that's terrible, but he's right here. He's probably always going to be lonely, no matter where or when he is. His best friend was tortured in front him when they were kids. He then grew up to be the torturer. How do you come back from that? You don't. But he's finally accepted that this is his job, his choice. He could walk away, but he's not going to.

~

I love Jack so very, very much - flaws and all.