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Fic: Mrs Saxon's Diary. Part 10/10
Lookie what I finished! I hope it was worth waiting for - and that anyone is around to read it... *crosses fingers*
Setting: Last of The Timelords.
Spoilers: End of S3.
Pairing: Lucy/Harry.
Rating: PG-13.
Previous parts here. Many thank you's to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kathyh for the look-through and the encouragement!
Shortly after the Master's death
Jack brought me my diary. I'm locked in one of the smaller bedrooms, one of those that Harry designed to double as holding-cells in case he needed someone detaining.
"Tish found it," he said, handing it over, and I smiled a little. I bet little Tish also tried her best to open it, but Harry fitted this book with an isomorphic lock shortly after he told me what he was - just in case. He really did think of everything. Almost.
"You're quite the hero," he continued, studying me. "The Joneses have spent the whole year plotting to kill him, and then you're the one to shoot him. They think they misjudged you."
I couldn't help it - I started laughing. Laughed so hard that I was left gasping for air and shaking.
Jack however didn't crack a smile. "He asked you to do it, didn't he?" he finally asked, and I nodded.
"I told you I'd do anything for him, remember?"
"I remember," he said; then tilted his head, his eyes holding no kindness. “You know... from where I’m standing it looks like he abandoned you.”
I sat still for a moment, studying the book in my hands, then looked up. “No. I know where he is, and I could follow. But you took the gun off me.”
He stared at me for a long time, and the sudden pity in his eyes was almost enough to make me hit him. I was the Master’s wife, the only one he trusted. I know they will all be celebrating Martha, talking about how brave she was. What do they know?
Saving the world is easy. But destroying it - destroying the one thing that makes life worth living - that is not something she could do, nor something the Doctor would ever ask. But Harry did, and I obeyed. His faithful companion.
“What happens to me now?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from the huge, vast emptiness that is all I have left.
“I... don’t know,” he replied, a little thrown. “I guess it’s up to the Doctor to decide.”
I smiled coldly. “The Doctor... the kind, forgiving Doctor. Who saved the world and sentenced the last of humanity to-”
I couldn’t continue. Suddenly I was shivering, cold horror welling up inside.
“Lucy - what is it?” I hadn’t seen him move, but suddenly Jack was kneeling in front of me, careful not to touch but looking concerned - more concerned than anyone has looked since father died.
“Utopia,” I whispered, cradling the book to my chest. “The Master showed me- I know how it ends. Maybe one day you will see it too, Jack, if you really live forever. And then you’ll understand. Nothing matters. Nothing at all. Everything you will have done will have been for nothing, because there is only the cold and the dark left.”
Jack clearly didn’t know what to say. Slowly he got up, an apologetic look on his face.
“Look... I really need to get clean, and there are a lot of things I have to do. I’ll try to be back though.”
I didn’t reply until his hand was on the door handle.
“It won’t come off, you know. The dirt. It’ll never come off.”
He turned and looked at me, and for a second there was real anger and hurt on his face. I braced myself for what might come, but then he seemed to shake it off, catching my eyes.
“Lucy... they’re like the sun. We look at them and get blinded. But if you turn away there’s still a whole world out there, and it is... beautiful.”
I stared at him, unsure, and he shook his head, a smile on his face that I couldn’t understand. Like he knew a secret I didn’t.
“I’m not going back to the Doctor.”
Then he swiftly left, locking the door behind him.
I’ve been sitting here thinking about his words. I don’t understand what he’s trying to prove. Maybe he’s just scared that the Doctor still doesn’t want him.
But in some aspects I know that he was right. My Master was a sun, bright and terrible, blinding. And now he is gone everything is dark and I can’t see my way.
Still - I know that it is a just punishment. The light was too much for me, and for just a moment I wished it gone - for a second closed my eyes and prayed for darkness. And the prayer was answered.
Maybe if I wasn’t human I’d have been stronger. And yet for the first time I am grateful for what I am. Because no matter what, some day I will die and the pain will stop...
~~~
My story is finished now, but I wonder how I will be remembered. How we will be remembered. He murdered the President, and then I murdered him - that’s how it will be told. Blood and death writing our names into history.
My Master would have liked that.
The End
(Author's notes: I decided against having Lucy be the one to pick up the Master's ring for two reasons: 1) It's already been done in fic, and done well. 2) I always wanted this to be a canon compliant FitB, and we don't know if the Master will ever return, nor how. Also it would start a new story, and that I am not interested in. I liked ending here, leaving Lucy on her own, unsure what would happen next.)
Setting: Last of The Timelords.
Spoilers: End of S3.
Pairing: Lucy/Harry.
Rating: PG-13.
Previous parts here. Many thank you's to
kathyh for the look-through and the encouragement!Shortly after the Master's death
Jack brought me my diary. I'm locked in one of the smaller bedrooms, one of those that Harry designed to double as holding-cells in case he needed someone detaining.
"Tish found it," he said, handing it over, and I smiled a little. I bet little Tish also tried her best to open it, but Harry fitted this book with an isomorphic lock shortly after he told me what he was - just in case. He really did think of everything. Almost.
"You're quite the hero," he continued, studying me. "The Joneses have spent the whole year plotting to kill him, and then you're the one to shoot him. They think they misjudged you."
I couldn't help it - I started laughing. Laughed so hard that I was left gasping for air and shaking.
Jack however didn't crack a smile. "He asked you to do it, didn't he?" he finally asked, and I nodded.
"I told you I'd do anything for him, remember?"
"I remember," he said; then tilted his head, his eyes holding no kindness. “You know... from where I’m standing it looks like he abandoned you.”
I sat still for a moment, studying the book in my hands, then looked up. “No. I know where he is, and I could follow. But you took the gun off me.”
He stared at me for a long time, and the sudden pity in his eyes was almost enough to make me hit him. I was the Master’s wife, the only one he trusted. I know they will all be celebrating Martha, talking about how brave she was. What do they know?
Saving the world is easy. But destroying it - destroying the one thing that makes life worth living - that is not something she could do, nor something the Doctor would ever ask. But Harry did, and I obeyed. His faithful companion.
“What happens to me now?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from the huge, vast emptiness that is all I have left.
“I... don’t know,” he replied, a little thrown. “I guess it’s up to the Doctor to decide.”
I smiled coldly. “The Doctor... the kind, forgiving Doctor. Who saved the world and sentenced the last of humanity to-”
I couldn’t continue. Suddenly I was shivering, cold horror welling up inside.
“Lucy - what is it?” I hadn’t seen him move, but suddenly Jack was kneeling in front of me, careful not to touch but looking concerned - more concerned than anyone has looked since father died.
“Utopia,” I whispered, cradling the book to my chest. “The Master showed me- I know how it ends. Maybe one day you will see it too, Jack, if you really live forever. And then you’ll understand. Nothing matters. Nothing at all. Everything you will have done will have been for nothing, because there is only the cold and the dark left.”
Jack clearly didn’t know what to say. Slowly he got up, an apologetic look on his face.
“Look... I really need to get clean, and there are a lot of things I have to do. I’ll try to be back though.”
I didn’t reply until his hand was on the door handle.
“It won’t come off, you know. The dirt. It’ll never come off.”
He turned and looked at me, and for a second there was real anger and hurt on his face. I braced myself for what might come, but then he seemed to shake it off, catching my eyes.
“Lucy... they’re like the sun. We look at them and get blinded. But if you turn away there’s still a whole world out there, and it is... beautiful.”
I stared at him, unsure, and he shook his head, a smile on his face that I couldn’t understand. Like he knew a secret I didn’t.
“I’m not going back to the Doctor.”
Then he swiftly left, locking the door behind him.
I’ve been sitting here thinking about his words. I don’t understand what he’s trying to prove. Maybe he’s just scared that the Doctor still doesn’t want him.
But in some aspects I know that he was right. My Master was a sun, bright and terrible, blinding. And now he is gone everything is dark and I can’t see my way.
Still - I know that it is a just punishment. The light was too much for me, and for just a moment I wished it gone - for a second closed my eyes and prayed for darkness. And the prayer was answered.
Maybe if I wasn’t human I’d have been stronger. And yet for the first time I am grateful for what I am. Because no matter what, some day I will die and the pain will stop...
My story is finished now, but I wonder how I will be remembered. How we will be remembered. He murdered the President, and then I murdered him - that’s how it will be told. Blood and death writing our names into history.
My Master would have liked that.
(Author's notes: I decided against having Lucy be the one to pick up the Master's ring for two reasons: 1) It's already been done in fic, and done well. 2) I always wanted this to be a canon compliant FitB, and we don't know if the Master will ever return, nor how. Also it would start a new story, and that I am not interested in. I liked ending here, leaving Lucy on her own, unsure what would happen next.)
no subject
Torture: we know it happened to Jack (he mentions it in "Captain Jack Harkness"), and we know Jack tortured other people, and routinely, too (he mentions it in "Countricide", leaving it open whether he did this as a Time Agent or when with Torchwood, but he did it; also arguably his treatment of Beth was torture).
Loss of memory: he retcons people left, right and center.
Abandonment by person(s) he cared for and looked up to without explanation:
see also Jack running off at the end of "End of Days".
Resurrection into immortal state: hello, Owen. (Except for Owen getting the darkside treatment of deathlessness as he's not instant-healing but instead superfragile, with every wound forever and no way of knowing whether he'll drop dead the next second or in a millennium.)
And now for the big one, the thing everyone pities Jack most for, i.e. the Doctor's "you are wrong" statement (which btw in Utopia is followed by the Doctor admitting he's wrong to feel that way and apologizing to Jack, but somehow that part never gets quoted): Hello, Owen (again), with Jack's opening statement in "A Day in the Death" while (temporarily)
firingrelieving him of duty.no subject
Did I mention how much I love this show and all its wonderful, wonderful circles? With you on all everything you mention - I am actually reminded of one of the best things I've seen written about Jack (by
~
Jack: Going home wouldn't fix that. Holy shit. This is such a welcome change from last year's "living in the 21st century is such an unbearable burden" mantra. I mean, Jack *is* lonely and that's terrible, but he's right here. He's probably always going to be lonely, no matter where or when he is. His best friend was tortured in front him when they were kids. He then grew up to be the torturer. How do you come back from that? You don't. But he's finally accepted that this is his job, his choice. He could walk away, but he's not going to.
~
I love Jack so very, very much - flaws and all.