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Lost Soul. Chapter 8.
Before I have to run off to do housework etc. I just wanted to post the last chapter. Enjoy! :)
‘Lost Soul’ summary: Spike loses his soul AtS S5. Some wackiness ensues...
Previous Chapters here.
Chapter 8
When Spike had closed the bedroom door Angel let go of Ethan, who staggeringly found his balance.
“There are no tricks attached, right?” Angel asked. “You don’t have to do any spells or anything?”
“No, no!” Ethan swiftly confirmed. “He just needs to open the jar!”
“Good!” Angel said pleasantly, and knocked him out. Then he handcuffed him to the nearest item of large furniture, before he started to look around the small, bland sitting room. He turned off the TV and then discovered a large pile of casino chips in a bag next to the sofa. Putting it down on the table he thought it might be a nice idea to give it to the team - an unexpected bonus was bound to be good for morale.
Then the bedroom door opened and Spike came in slowly, his attention on the glowing jar in his hand.
Noticing the unconscious Ethan on the floor he frowned and cast Angel a glance. “What do I do?” he asked.
“Just open it.” Angel answered, not taking his eyes off Spike’s face.
This was it - the moment. The secret reason that Angel had insisted on coming along. Yes, all his other reasons had been valid too, but he had been curious - was Spike actually going to go through with it? And if so - why? Why willingly choose a painful, damning prison when once set free? He knew so little of what had befallen his grandchilde the last few years - what had happened that could have changed him so?
Spike appeared to be somewhere between terrified and excited, but then he closed his eyes in determination and took a deep breath. “Here comes pain,” he said and unscrewed the lid.
There was a minor soundless explosion. The jar fell out of Spike’s hand as he was lit up from the inside, internal flames claiming him. Crying out he fell to his knees, curled up as though someone had kicked his solar-plexus.
Angel was frozen in place, unable to move. He had been through the souling process three times now; knew that unbelievable agony first hand. The first time had been a surprise - the other two times he had fought with everything in him to avoid it. The torment was so incredibly unbearable initially. Everything stripped raw - every memory distressing beyond words. He had just about come to terms with the fact that Spike had chosen to get his soul back the first time - he was pigheaded enough to risk such a venture, not knowing the price. But to freely pick up that yoke a second time - fully aware of all implications...
Slowly Spike lifted his head. “Fuck that hurts!” he said, tears in his eyes. Then, after a shaky breath, he looked at the other vampire: “Angel - why am I such a bloody idiot?”
Shaken out of his stasis, Angel walked over and gave Spike a hand up. “I don’t know,” he said gently. “One of the mysteries of the universe!”
Seeing that Spike was still unsteady on his feet he put an arm around his shoulders, steadying him as he opened the door. Slowly they started walking down the corridor.
After getting Spike in the Viper, Angel told the team to go take care of Ethan - and that they could split his (no doubt ill-gotten) winnings. The three men walked off happily, pleased to have been chosen for such an enjoyable mission. Angel smiled, even though he knew that now he’d have to work out what to do with Mr Rayne on top of everything else.
Soon they were on the road again, the bright lights of Vegas rapidly vanishing. Angel glanced at Spike who was looking out the window, seemingly lost in thought. After an hour the darkness slowly receded, the colours greying in the growing light. Spike shifted uncomfortably and Angel accelerated slightly. It felt wrong to be out this close to sunrise when all their instincts told them to seek shelter. He looked at Spike again as the sun burst over the horizon, instantly bringing golden warmth to the desert landscape. Spike’s face was lit up too, but from the outside this time and Angel couldn’t help asking, as the recent events replayed themselves in his mind: “Why?”
Spike looked at him briefly, then went back to studying the view. After a few minutes he finally replied: “The first time... it was for Buffy.”
Angel nodded slowly, having half-guessed this already. There was obviously a story behind it, but not one that Spike was likely to ever share. Instead he found himself asking: “And this time?”
“This time?” Spike repeated, a faraway look on his face. “This time it was for me.”
Angel pondered this all the rest of the journey.
*********
When the car was finally parked in the car pool, neither of them moved. Angel was thinking hard, but finally he made up his mind. Turning to his passenger, he spoke: “Spike?”
“Yeah?” Spike answered, still not paying much attention.
“I...” Angel closed his eyes, wondering what was the best way to phrase the question. “I was wondering if you’d like to work here. This Illyria business is... difficult... but I know that it’s just the start. Things are going to get bad. Really bad. And - I’d like you on my team. You annoy me more than I can say, but - I need people I can trust.”
Spike was staring at him, speechless. He was obviously as surprised as Angel was himself.
Before Spike had a chance to reply however, Angel continued. He knew that if he didn’t do it now, he’d never be able to - he was still wondering whether he’d gone insane for saying what he was about to say.
He cleared his throat: “But before you make up you mind... does Buffy know you’re alive?”
Spike’s mouth dropped open. Slowly he shook his head, eyes narrowing in suspicion.
Angel looked through the windscreen, surveying all the beautiful cars - symbols of the power and prestige he had these days.
How little it all meant.
“Did she love you?” he asked, and he could hear Spike’s sharp intake of breath. Slowly he turned his head and saw Spike staring at him, searching his face trying to work out what Angel was playing at. Realising that he was serious, Spike suddenly looked away.
“I... think so,” he said quietly.
Angel nodded. In his head he could see Spike with the jar, softly saying: “Here comes pain.” How very apt he thought. Before he could change his mind he looked at Spike again: “You should call her. She deserves to know.” Then he abruptly got out of the car.
Spike stared after Angel as he walked over to the lift and disappeared from view. What the hell had just happened? Angel had just said - what? A memory resurfaced - Buffy, talking to him: “You faced the monster inside and you fought back! I believe in you Spike.”
This was oddly similar. Angel wasn’t a great communicator, but carefully going over the one-sided conversation in his head, Spike began to see what he’d been trying to say. It was support from the unlikeliest place though - Lorne had tried to corner him on the Buffy issue, but to have Angel tell him to work it out? Incredible. He’d been avoiding the whole thing for so long now - scared to believe that she’d meant what she said. Even more frightened that she had not. Although after what Lorne had said...
For a long time he pondered his options. But knowing that there was a place for him; somewhere he was wanted - maybe even needed - felt good. There was the whole shanshu thing of course, which he wasn’t really all that bothered about - only if he was to make any kind of decision about the future, he’d better try to take everything into consideration.
A good while later he slowly got out of the Viper and made his way up to Angel’s office. It was - as he had expected - empty, Harmony informing him that the big boss had gone to bed.
He sat down in the large executive chair behind the desk and swiftly calculated the time difference between LA and Rome. Then he slowly picked up the phone and dialled the number he had known by heart for months now.
One - two - three - ring tones and then someone picked up. “Hello?”
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest...
“Buffy? It’s Spike...”
The End
‘Lost Soul’ summary: Spike loses his soul AtS S5. Some wackiness ensues...
Previous Chapters here.
When Spike had closed the bedroom door Angel let go of Ethan, who staggeringly found his balance.
“There are no tricks attached, right?” Angel asked. “You don’t have to do any spells or anything?”
“No, no!” Ethan swiftly confirmed. “He just needs to open the jar!”
“Good!” Angel said pleasantly, and knocked him out. Then he handcuffed him to the nearest item of large furniture, before he started to look around the small, bland sitting room. He turned off the TV and then discovered a large pile of casino chips in a bag next to the sofa. Putting it down on the table he thought it might be a nice idea to give it to the team - an unexpected bonus was bound to be good for morale.
Then the bedroom door opened and Spike came in slowly, his attention on the glowing jar in his hand.
Noticing the unconscious Ethan on the floor he frowned and cast Angel a glance. “What do I do?” he asked.
“Just open it.” Angel answered, not taking his eyes off Spike’s face.
This was it - the moment. The secret reason that Angel had insisted on coming along. Yes, all his other reasons had been valid too, but he had been curious - was Spike actually going to go through with it? And if so - why? Why willingly choose a painful, damning prison when once set free? He knew so little of what had befallen his grandchilde the last few years - what had happened that could have changed him so?
Spike appeared to be somewhere between terrified and excited, but then he closed his eyes in determination and took a deep breath. “Here comes pain,” he said and unscrewed the lid.
There was a minor soundless explosion. The jar fell out of Spike’s hand as he was lit up from the inside, internal flames claiming him. Crying out he fell to his knees, curled up as though someone had kicked his solar-plexus.
Angel was frozen in place, unable to move. He had been through the souling process three times now; knew that unbelievable agony first hand. The first time had been a surprise - the other two times he had fought with everything in him to avoid it. The torment was so incredibly unbearable initially. Everything stripped raw - every memory distressing beyond words. He had just about come to terms with the fact that Spike had chosen to get his soul back the first time - he was pigheaded enough to risk such a venture, not knowing the price. But to freely pick up that yoke a second time - fully aware of all implications...
Slowly Spike lifted his head. “Fuck that hurts!” he said, tears in his eyes. Then, after a shaky breath, he looked at the other vampire: “Angel - why am I such a bloody idiot?”
Shaken out of his stasis, Angel walked over and gave Spike a hand up. “I don’t know,” he said gently. “One of the mysteries of the universe!”
Seeing that Spike was still unsteady on his feet he put an arm around his shoulders, steadying him as he opened the door. Slowly they started walking down the corridor.
After getting Spike in the Viper, Angel told the team to go take care of Ethan - and that they could split his (no doubt ill-gotten) winnings. The three men walked off happily, pleased to have been chosen for such an enjoyable mission. Angel smiled, even though he knew that now he’d have to work out what to do with Mr Rayne on top of everything else.
Soon they were on the road again, the bright lights of Vegas rapidly vanishing. Angel glanced at Spike who was looking out the window, seemingly lost in thought. After an hour the darkness slowly receded, the colours greying in the growing light. Spike shifted uncomfortably and Angel accelerated slightly. It felt wrong to be out this close to sunrise when all their instincts told them to seek shelter. He looked at Spike again as the sun burst over the horizon, instantly bringing golden warmth to the desert landscape. Spike’s face was lit up too, but from the outside this time and Angel couldn’t help asking, as the recent events replayed themselves in his mind: “Why?”
Spike looked at him briefly, then went back to studying the view. After a few minutes he finally replied: “The first time... it was for Buffy.”
Angel nodded slowly, having half-guessed this already. There was obviously a story behind it, but not one that Spike was likely to ever share. Instead he found himself asking: “And this time?”
“This time?” Spike repeated, a faraway look on his face. “This time it was for me.”
Angel pondered this all the rest of the journey.
*********
When the car was finally parked in the car pool, neither of them moved. Angel was thinking hard, but finally he made up his mind. Turning to his passenger, he spoke: “Spike?”
“Yeah?” Spike answered, still not paying much attention.
“I...” Angel closed his eyes, wondering what was the best way to phrase the question. “I was wondering if you’d like to work here. This Illyria business is... difficult... but I know that it’s just the start. Things are going to get bad. Really bad. And - I’d like you on my team. You annoy me more than I can say, but - I need people I can trust.”
Spike was staring at him, speechless. He was obviously as surprised as Angel was himself.
Before Spike had a chance to reply however, Angel continued. He knew that if he didn’t do it now, he’d never be able to - he was still wondering whether he’d gone insane for saying what he was about to say.
He cleared his throat: “But before you make up you mind... does Buffy know you’re alive?”
Spike’s mouth dropped open. Slowly he shook his head, eyes narrowing in suspicion.
Angel looked through the windscreen, surveying all the beautiful cars - symbols of the power and prestige he had these days.
How little it all meant.
“Did she love you?” he asked, and he could hear Spike’s sharp intake of breath. Slowly he turned his head and saw Spike staring at him, searching his face trying to work out what Angel was playing at. Realising that he was serious, Spike suddenly looked away.
“I... think so,” he said quietly.
Angel nodded. In his head he could see Spike with the jar, softly saying: “Here comes pain.” How very apt he thought. Before he could change his mind he looked at Spike again: “You should call her. She deserves to know.” Then he abruptly got out of the car.
Spike stared after Angel as he walked over to the lift and disappeared from view. What the hell had just happened? Angel had just said - what? A memory resurfaced - Buffy, talking to him: “You faced the monster inside and you fought back! I believe in you Spike.”
This was oddly similar. Angel wasn’t a great communicator, but carefully going over the one-sided conversation in his head, Spike began to see what he’d been trying to say. It was support from the unlikeliest place though - Lorne had tried to corner him on the Buffy issue, but to have Angel tell him to work it out? Incredible. He’d been avoiding the whole thing for so long now - scared to believe that she’d meant what she said. Even more frightened that she had not. Although after what Lorne had said...
For a long time he pondered his options. But knowing that there was a place for him; somewhere he was wanted - maybe even needed - felt good. There was the whole shanshu thing of course, which he wasn’t really all that bothered about - only if he was to make any kind of decision about the future, he’d better try to take everything into consideration.
A good while later he slowly got out of the Viper and made his way up to Angel’s office. It was - as he had expected - empty, Harmony informing him that the big boss had gone to bed.
He sat down in the large executive chair behind the desk and swiftly calculated the time difference between LA and Rome. Then he slowly picked up the phone and dialled the number he had known by heart for months now.
One - two - three - ring tones and then someone picked up. “Hello?”
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest...
“Buffy? It’s Spike...”
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One - two - three - ring tones and then someone picked up. “Hello?”
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest...
“Buffy? It’s Spike...” Too bad Spike never could get up enough nerve on screen. JM would have really done a fine job IMO.
Very nice, thanks for the great story.
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It's more that he's trying to work out Spike's motivation. Angelus cosidered being a force for good as a sick joke.
Too bad Spike never could get up enough nerve on screen.
I know. But then we wouldn't have had the alley scene etc which I really loved. Can't have it all sadly.
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*sniff*
Lovely final chapter. Angel NOT being a total git. Spike getting the soul back for him.
And calling Buffy...
Awwww... again...
I enjoyed that! I'm now well behind on the work I was supposed to be doing. Bit it was worth it :)
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I love it when Angel does the right thing, but he *does* need a bit of a push! Such as realising that Spike did something he never could! :)
And I'm sure you know exactly what Buffy said, right?
I'm pleased to have brightened your day, even if I made you behind on work. I shouldn't be here either...
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Just, awww. :)
I really like where you get into the discussion of why Spike wants a soul, even the second time knowing what it means.
And the last line? A nice place to end.
Good story!
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Hee. I'm not a slash fan at all, but I just adore the Spike/Angel dynamic. As you can probably tell...
I really like where you get into the discussion of why Spike wants a soul
Oh good - I had to work it out for myself first of course and I'm glad that other people like how I did it. It's always tricky doing these things.
I was rahter pleased with the ending - and also I have no idea what happens next, so I had to stop! ;)
Thank you for reading and for your lovely feedback. ::hugs::
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Now, why couldn't they do that on the show? That was lovely, by the way...
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Because I wasn't a writer? Heh.
Thanks for reading - I'm so glad you liked it. :)
*clap... clap... clap...*
“This time?” Spike repeated, a faraway look on his face. “This time it was for me.”
I love it when our boy comes into his own!
Thank you for this delight.
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Don't we all...
Thank *you* for your feedback! :)
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I always suspected that Spike's soul was an impulse decision, and that getting it for Buffy was insufficient. I'm glad in your version of the 'verse he gets it back for himself.
And I'm just a little curious what would happen with Ethan Rayne in Wolfram & Hart custody!
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This is an excellent read. the plot hangs together really well. I especially enjoyed the last 2 chps with Angel's grudging acceptance of Spike changing to something rather more.
The descriptions of Spike's soul and resouling are deceptively straightforward, carrying more power by not being overblown, I think.
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Thank you so much for your kind words! I am so glad you enjoyed it, especially since I had so much fun writing it. :)
carrying more power by not being overblown, I think.
I loved how the show so often undercut *big* scenes, and sort-of tried to do the same. Also I don't think I'm very good at doing overblown.
But most of all thank you for remembering this and coming back after so long! I appreciate it hugely!!! :)
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Late Feedback
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So glad you enjoyed it, I'm squeeing muchly from your wonderful feedback!
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Amazing story and I loved the ending. The idea of Spike wanting his soul back, this time for himself is so beautiful and it really does mark a point, where he would be ready to contact Buffy, when he is more of his own man and less likely to get lost in his obsession/love for her.
And for Angel to jump over his shadow (that figure of speech does exist in English too, I hope?) and tell Spike, that he should call her is so nice. You made laugh on grumpy Angel all over the story, but you really made me cheer for him in the end. Cool!
I wonder, what they are going to do with Pallyria, though?
Thank you for the wonderful read :)
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Oh I hope it went well. And I've just spent far too long devouring fic too, because the crack!fic I've been following was suddenly updated... *looks at to-do list and panicks*
Amazing story and I loved the ending.
Thank you! ::beams::
The idea of Spike wanting his soul back, this time for himself is so beautiful
Aw - but I think he would. I really think so. *loves Spike*
it really does mark a point, where he would be ready to contact Buffy, when he is more of his own man and less likely to get lost in his obsession/love for her.
::nods:: The thing is, I don't know whether he'd actually go to her, or whether he'd choose to stay and help Angel. But at least he made contact. :)
And for Angel to jump over his shadow (that figure of speech does exist in English too, I hope?) and tell Spike, that he should call her is so nice.
I haven't heard the term before, but what a lovely phrase.
You made laugh on grumpy Angel all over the story, but you really made me cheer for him in the end. Cool!
It's one of the things I love about Angel - he can be so petty and grumpy, but he can also he very, very unselfish, when needs be. On the show Fred's death brought the two of them together - here I used the soul thing to get Angel to look at Spike anew. Fic is neat!
I wonder, what they are going to do with Pallyria, though?
No idea. Seriously. The fic ends where my ideas ended, and I still (1 1/2 years later) do not have a clue what happens next!
Thank you for the wonderful read :)
Thank *you* for your wonderful feedback! It is hugely appreciated! (Will get to the rest of your comments later. Right now I have to go do sensible things...)
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“This time it was for me.” YES! Beautiful! Poetic! Heartwarming! Lovely!
*GUSH*
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Squee! *bounces*
YES! Beautiful! Poetic! Heartwarming! Lovely!
Heh. I have a thing for Spike in case you didn't notice... ;)
*GUSH*
Hee! THANK YOU! Lots and lots and lots! I *will* get back to all of your wonderful, wonderful feedback, but it'll have to wait, since I'm terribly busy right now. Just wanted to say that I devoured it all ravenously and shall be basking in its warm glow for days to come! :)
Oh and - Angel was matchmaker, see? (More or less, anyway. Dunno what happens next - it's entirely possible that Spike decided to stay in LA...)
Feedback from Edelweiss
(Anonymous) 2008-05-26 01:38 pm (UTC)(link)“This time it was for me.” Yes, that's certainly a large part of Spike's journey. I'm glad that he (and Angel!) realises this ... he's his own vampire! :-)
“You should call her. She deserves to know.” Although I've mainly commented on Spike, I should also say that you write an excellent Angel; sometimes bemused, sometimes mystified, and sometimes generous! Hell, sometimes I even like him myself :-)
An excellent story! I'll close with a couple of comments. First of all, I must say that I loved the story; it possessed excellent characterisation and insight into people's thoughts and emotions, and not just for Spike, your Angel was truly excellent, as was your Fred. It's only a pity (given the length of the story) that you couldn't devote more time to the other members of the AtS crew. The story was also well plotted, and you managed to bring together the diverse strands of the story very well. I even liked the fact that you left the conclusion open-ended for both the Spike/Buffy and the Illyria resolutions ... let imagination have free rein :-)
All-in-all, an excellent story that I thoroughly enjoyed … keep up the good work :-)
Edelweiss
Re: Feedback from Edelweiss
Yes. I like my characters to grow, even if just a little.
Yes, that's certainly a large part of Spike's journey. I'm glad that he (and Angel!) realises this ... he's his own vampire! :-)
This is one reason I used the 'effulgent' - Spike realising that what he's always been looking for is inside himself (I think he might have grasped it momentarily when he saved the world with the amulet, but coming back from that was very painful. This was a chance to do it another way.)
Although I've mainly commented on Spike, I should also say that you write an excellent Angel; sometimes bemused, sometimes mystified, and sometimes generous! Hell, sometimes I even like him myself :-)
Thank you, thank you! I love Angel to tiny little pieces, because he is often so thinkheaded and awkward - and yet he has such a slefless nature underneath it all. I'm always thrilled when people say I get him right, because it's not easy.
Your final comments have made me all incoherent, so I'll just say a BIG thank you - for reading and for all your lovely feedback. It really has been an extraordinary treat! (And trust me, I can't seem to stop writing...)
Elisi
Feedback from Edelweiss
(Anonymous) - 2008-06-13 18:30 (UTC) - Expandno subject
I really really enjoyed this, thanks.
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I really loved writing this fic and exploring Spike further, so the fact that people still read it means an awful lot! Thank you again. ::cherishes::
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(I *adored* writing this story, Spike is just... well Spike. Looking at him from a different angle was very rewarding.)
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I followed the link from your Soulgate post *rolls eyes at Willingham* because I'd never read this and it wasn't a crazy epic, or hilarious, or heartbreaking but it WAS totally fantastic.
To be honest at first I was like, hm. no Buffy? But this was a wonderful piece about Spike and his soul and then at the end? it was like a special treat just for me! ha ha =)
This was great, really. Thank you for writing it (like a million years ago, apparently. how did I not know about this?)
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*blushes*
I followed the link from your Soulgate post *rolls eyes at Willingham*
Why does no one pay *me* to write comics? (Hence the self pimp... *g*)
because I'd never read this and it wasn't a crazy epic, or hilarious, or heartbreaking but it WAS totally fantastic.
Aww. I like stories that are just... stories. Like a missing episode or something. :)
To be honest at first I was like, hm. no Buffy? But this was a wonderful piece about Spike and his soul and then at the end? it was like a special treat just for me! ha ha =)
::grins:: I honestly couldn't tell you what happens next, but it seemed like the perfect way to end it.
This was great, really. Thank you for writing it
Thank *you* for reading! And commenting. :)
like a million years ago, apparently. how did I not know about this?
According to LJ I posted this story 1728 days ago, so not *quite* a million years. (Although in fandom terms I guess it's not inaccurate.) Thank you again - I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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Very nice!
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I think my favorite bits were the very beginning and the very end - Spike all vulnerable and nervous with Fred, and the Angel&Spike conversation in which Angel is actually a little bit supportive.
I think those might be my favourites too - I always favour the character bits, and tend to see plot mostly as a device for getting people where I want them. *g* (And I loved making Angel supportive. Because he so almost, nearly was in S5...)
Thank you again!
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And the soul question is extremely fascinating (I once wrote an endlessly long essay), and exploring it fic was very satisfying. So glad you liked it!
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Well... that kept productivity at bay for a little while.
Love that Angel got the clue at the end. Yay! Always good to see it when brood-boy finally cottons on.
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Totally my pleasure. :)
Love that Angel got the clue at the end. Yay! Always good to see it when brood-boy finally cottons on.
Yes, I like that too, and this was too good an opportunity to waste. :)
Anyway, thank you LOTS for reading, and for the lovely feedback!
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(Anonymous) 2011-03-26 11:27 pm (UTC)(link)“This time?” Spike repeated, a faraway look on his face. “This time it was for me.”
Angel pondered this all the rest of the journey.
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Thank you for reading - and for commenting!
It was all great, but this is my favourite part:
Oh I am *so* pleased you pulled out that part, because it is essentially what the whole thing was built around (and tied in with the development I saw Spike go through in S5 of AtS) - that he lets go of Buffy (or Angel or any other external influence) and wants to be better/a hero because it's what he wants. And I wanted to show how that would extend even to the soul. (I hope this makes sense it's very early...)