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Asylum ficlet (4/4).
Am running around being a busy person today, but still wanted to post this (feedback makes everything better! *g*). As I might have mentioned this one is angsty (I'm sure the title gives it away partly), but in a very understated way... (my mood icon is pretty much perfect). I hope you like, because this one I'm actually very pleased with. (The others were fun, but... this one I care about.)
Nothing belongs to me, spoilers for Asylum etc. And many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kathyh for the beta. Previous parts here.
30 years later
She sees him by the window of the bar, sitting at a small table staring out over the city. The floor-to-ceiling windows offer a spectacular view, the darkness festooned with millions upon millions of bright lights - the city that never sleeps. Much like him, she reckons.
For a moment she hesitates - should she go to him or not? But they used to be friends...
When her shadow falls across the table he takes a moment to stir, then slowly looks up. For a few seconds he looks blank, then frowns a little.
“Beck?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
He looks her over again, from the tall brown boots, up the kneelength skirt and the pretty blouse covered by a denim jacket and finally studies her face intently.
“Well either I’ve had far too much to drink, or you haven’t aged a lick!”
She smiles a little sadly and pulls up a chair. “Fire elementals live for centuries, so...”
“Oh,” he replies, and then looks down, not meeting her eyes. Her heart aches at the sight, and she remembers when she first met him - radiating defiance and pride... Remembers later too; him and Buffy together - the way she’d turn to him and his smile would light up the whole room. He’s so... quiet now.
“I heard about... Buffy. I’m sorry.”
He smiles a little, then finally looks up. “Thank you. Life of Slayer...”
He stops and empties his drink, closing his eyes for a moment. “She had a good life.”
“Spike...” she doesn’t quite know what to say, but she wants to connect somehow. “Where have you been? I mean... it’s been forever since we last met, but even I know that people are looking for you. You shouldn’t - you shouldn’t have been alone. It helps to talk about these things - I thought even you admitted that.”
The smile is back, although it never reaches his eyes. “Sorry pet. There are some things... guilt, pain, screw ups - that the talking can help with. But grief...” his eyes slide past her, out over the city, lost.
“Grief needs loneliness.”
She looks down, nods. They sit in silence for a while before a waiter comes up to them, and Spike gets a refill and offers to buy her something.
As they sip their drinks, she studies him - her first friend, her first crush, her first hero. She’s not sure what she feels now... it’s been so long, and she’s so much older.
They talk a little - mostly she tells him what she knows about the others in their group, where they all are now. For a brief time the bonds of nostalgia tie them together, but as they walk down the street later on she can sense him letting go, their connection unravelling as he stops to say goodbye.
She hesitates for just an instant, but knowing that she has nothing to lose she steps closer, and, before he can speak, puts her arms around him. His lips are cool and soft, and although he doesn’t exactly lean into her he’s not pulling away either.
His kiss is soft... almost a sigh, as gentle and melancholy as the Aimee Mann songs she used to listen to years ago. She never realised that grief had a taste, but she recognises it on his lips, and in spite of herself she deepens the kiss; the feel of dying embers in her throat, her hands.
Then suddenly he’s pulling her closer, holding her with the powerful strength she still remembers. She can feel tears on his cheeks, cold and wet against her slow burning fire.
When he slowly pulls away, she instinctively reaches out and wipes the moisture off his face.
He studies her, head tilted, and this time his smile reaches his eyes.
“Thank you,” he says softly, cupping her face.
She smiles back, then grabs his hand. “Don’t leave. Please. Stay. Stay with me.”
He blinks in confusion, and she steps close to him again, flush against his body. “Just stay with me.”
Her words are almost a whisper.
“Beck...” he’s unsure, and shakes his head. “I couldn’t...”
Leaning her head against his chest she closes her eyes, feels the solidness of him beneath her hands. He’s dead. And yet he’s there. And she needs someone. Someone who won’t...
She swallows. “My husband... died a few years ago. He had cancer...”
The sentence is left hanging. She can feel Spike’s arms wrap around her, and soon there are wet, hot tears burning against her cheeks. She’d always thought death a sudden thing, violent and bright, fire and blood cutting a swath across life. But watching the man she loved fading away before her eyes, slowly destroyed day after day by something utterly beyond her control, had been a torture nothing in her life had prepared her for. These days she tries to remember him the way he was before - the short spiky hair that always prickled her fingers; the cheeky, lopsided smile; the way he’d call her his Highlander woman because she didn’t age...
She had known she’d lose him, but not like that. Not so soon...
Then she can feel Spike’s lips gently brush against her hair.
“I’ll stay.”
Nothing belongs to me, spoilers for Asylum etc. And many thanks to
kathyh for the beta. Previous parts here.She sees him by the window of the bar, sitting at a small table staring out over the city. The floor-to-ceiling windows offer a spectacular view, the darkness festooned with millions upon millions of bright lights - the city that never sleeps. Much like him, she reckons.
For a moment she hesitates - should she go to him or not? But they used to be friends...
When her shadow falls across the table he takes a moment to stir, then slowly looks up. For a few seconds he looks blank, then frowns a little.
“Beck?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
He looks her over again, from the tall brown boots, up the kneelength skirt and the pretty blouse covered by a denim jacket and finally studies her face intently.
“Well either I’ve had far too much to drink, or you haven’t aged a lick!”
She smiles a little sadly and pulls up a chair. “Fire elementals live for centuries, so...”
“Oh,” he replies, and then looks down, not meeting her eyes. Her heart aches at the sight, and she remembers when she first met him - radiating defiance and pride... Remembers later too; him and Buffy together - the way she’d turn to him and his smile would light up the whole room. He’s so... quiet now.
“I heard about... Buffy. I’m sorry.”
He smiles a little, then finally looks up. “Thank you. Life of Slayer...”
He stops and empties his drink, closing his eyes for a moment. “She had a good life.”
“Spike...” she doesn’t quite know what to say, but she wants to connect somehow. “Where have you been? I mean... it’s been forever since we last met, but even I know that people are looking for you. You shouldn’t - you shouldn’t have been alone. It helps to talk about these things - I thought even you admitted that.”
The smile is back, although it never reaches his eyes. “Sorry pet. There are some things... guilt, pain, screw ups - that the talking can help with. But grief...” his eyes slide past her, out over the city, lost.
“Grief needs loneliness.”
She looks down, nods. They sit in silence for a while before a waiter comes up to them, and Spike gets a refill and offers to buy her something.
As they sip their drinks, she studies him - her first friend, her first crush, her first hero. She’s not sure what she feels now... it’s been so long, and she’s so much older.
They talk a little - mostly she tells him what she knows about the others in their group, where they all are now. For a brief time the bonds of nostalgia tie them together, but as they walk down the street later on she can sense him letting go, their connection unravelling as he stops to say goodbye.
She hesitates for just an instant, but knowing that she has nothing to lose she steps closer, and, before he can speak, puts her arms around him. His lips are cool and soft, and although he doesn’t exactly lean into her he’s not pulling away either.
His kiss is soft... almost a sigh, as gentle and melancholy as the Aimee Mann songs she used to listen to years ago. She never realised that grief had a taste, but she recognises it on his lips, and in spite of herself she deepens the kiss; the feel of dying embers in her throat, her hands.
Then suddenly he’s pulling her closer, holding her with the powerful strength she still remembers. She can feel tears on his cheeks, cold and wet against her slow burning fire.
When he slowly pulls away, she instinctively reaches out and wipes the moisture off his face.
He studies her, head tilted, and this time his smile reaches his eyes.
“Thank you,” he says softly, cupping her face.
She smiles back, then grabs his hand. “Don’t leave. Please. Stay. Stay with me.”
He blinks in confusion, and she steps close to him again, flush against his body. “Just stay with me.”
Her words are almost a whisper.
“Beck...” he’s unsure, and shakes his head. “I couldn’t...”
Leaning her head against his chest she closes her eyes, feels the solidness of him beneath her hands. He’s dead. And yet he’s there. And she needs someone. Someone who won’t...
She swallows. “My husband... died a few years ago. He had cancer...”
The sentence is left hanging. She can feel Spike’s arms wrap around her, and soon there are wet, hot tears burning against her cheeks. She’d always thought death a sudden thing, violent and bright, fire and blood cutting a swath across life. But watching the man she loved fading away before her eyes, slowly destroyed day after day by something utterly beyond her control, had been a torture nothing in her life had prepared her for. These days she tries to remember him the way he was before - the short spiky hair that always prickled her fingers; the cheeky, lopsided smile; the way he’d call her his Highlander woman because she didn’t age...
She had known she’d lose him, but not like that. Not so soon...
Then she can feel Spike’s lips gently brush against her hair.
“I’ll stay.”
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“Grief needs loneliness.”
Very true. Lovely little ficlet.
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Thank you! And your icon is *heartbreaking*!
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(Apparently I can't spell either! *facepalm*)
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::smiles::
As you say the others were fun, but this one is touching and so sad. Beautifully written.
Thank you. There is something about people reaching out and being able to help each other that is somehow more satisfying than happiness. And thank you again! (For beta-ing and icons etc...)
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Thank you. I rather deliberately copied the Spike/Beck interaction in 'Asylum' - how they through their shared experiences are able to understand and help each other. It works very well. :)
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Thank you. This one really did write itself.
I could see that happening one day if the circumstances were right.
I very nearly called this one 'solace', what with the echoes of 'Entropy', but it wouldn't have fitted with the other titles. And I really like the idea of Spike/Beck, but it has to... mature.
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That was sad, yet fitting. I had been wondering what you'd with Beck and I'm impressed XD
It was a wonderful end for this series of drabbles.
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I don't think I've ever got one of those before! Thank you!
That was sad, yet fitting. I had been wondering what you'd with Beck and I'm impressed XD
I have actually followed the structure of 'Asylum'... focussing on Spike's issues, and then revealing that Beck is struggling with exactly the same thing. Which is of course where they can bond. And I think Spike/Beck could be a really good ship. :)
It was a wonderful end for this series of drabbles.
Aw, thank you. *hugs*
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This was just beautiful. Heartbreaking, but hopeful at the same time. They've both suffered such losses in their lives, so Yay! if they can find a little comfort in each other.
the way he’d call her his Highlander woman because she didn’t age...
Loved this line, and with just that one line, you made me see Beck's unnamed husband as an actual character - loving, with a sense of humor, hating the cancer not for what it's doing to him as much as what it's doing to her . . .
Lovely ficlet!
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Hee! But he is so very, very pretty and he now owns my soul... (A pox on this obsessive nature!)
How do you add a picture header to the top, anyway?
I use this tutorial and I swear it makes it really, really simple! (Even *I* can do it, that should be proof enough!)
I don't know how I missed this showing up on my actual flist
LJ hates us! *cries* But Petzi brings us together. We should get her muffins or something.
This was just beautiful.
Thank you! As I said, this one is actually really important to me. It just flowed. And angst is so satisfying to write...
Heartbreaking, but hopeful at the same time. They've both suffered such losses in their lives, so Yay! if they can find a little comfort in each other.
As I remarked to someone else, it mimics the structure of Asylum in the way they come together. (I felt v. clever when I realised! *g*) And although I loved their interactions in the book, he still has unresolved Buffy-issues, and she's 17...
Loved this line, and with just that one line, you made me see Beck's unnamed husband as an actual character
Yay - I'm so glad that worked! It hard to flesh out characters who are barely there at all, but I did my best. :)
Thank you so much for reading and your lovely feedback! *hugs*
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You were right. This one's special. So sad (you have me sitting here crying real tears and wiping them off my face!) but full of hope for the future. And how amazing is it that in just a few lines you make Beck's husband (a complete OC and already gone) into someone we actually care for and miss?
Such a beautiful ficlet. I love this entire series. Touching, romantic, warm & fluffy, goofy & silly, and sad yet hopeful. You covered a lot of bases and each one was wonderfully done.
::huggles Asylum ficlets::
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Thank you. I loved writing it more than any of the others, even though it was far sadder... but there was something very beautiful about this one. I'm so glad I managed to put it across.
So sad (you have me sitting here crying real tears and wiping them off my face!)
I'm not sure I've ever made anyone cry before... But it makes me very proud in a back-wards sort of way.
but full of hope for the future.
I loved the Beck/Spike connection is 'Asylum', but she was far too young, and he had far too many issues still... but I think it's a ship that could really work. They just have to wait...
And how amazing is it that in just a few lines you make Beck's husband (a complete OC and already gone) into someone we actually care for and miss?
OCs are very hard, but he just popped into my head all fully formed. I'm so glad my description worked. :)
The rest of your feedback is just giving me a wonderful warm glow! Thank you *so* much for your kind words - I loved writing these little ficlets, and I'm so very, very happy that people like them! :)
*lots of hugs*
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Thank you - I loved the mood, even with all the sadness.
It's nice to see Beck again. And a good ending, too, with them coming together after everything.
I really liked Beck, and the possibility of Spike/Beck, but it just had to wait... I can see them being together for a long time.
Thank you so much for reading! *hugs*
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Thank you so much for reading! :)
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Yup. I agree, I could not really get into it, but then the shipping thing is hard to do in comic books (no room for proper development). Neat thing about fanfic is, that you can flesh everything up.
I wonder, if they are going to bring her into AtF.
And Thank you for writing this. I'd love to read more fanfic for the comics, yet I rarely find some. :)
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Also, I really liked the whole friendship thing, and turning it into a romance makes everything more complicated and stuff.
I wonder, if they are going to bring her into AtF.
I don't think so. Although it would be fun! :)
And Thank you for writing this. I'd love to read more fanfic for the comics, yet I rarely find some. :)
Hey, my pleasure. I know that
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They really are excellent - in their own poignant/fluffy/funny/sweetly sad ways...
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Beautiful, sad but somehow hopeful. They will get through it and come out stronger in the long run. I like to think of him having a "family" that far in the future.
“Grief needs loneliness.” So sad and yet true.
"she can sense him letting go, their connection unravelling as he stops to say goodbye." Beautifully put. Yes, you have moments like this where what you do next means either hello or goodbye in a final way. Love that she turned it into hello, stopped the unravel.
Excellent,
Kathleen
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Oh my pleasure! And I did worry that it might be too melancholy...
Beautiful, sad but somehow hopeful. They will get through it and come out stronger in the long run.
*nods* This is it, exactly.
I like to think of him having a "family" that far in the future.
That's one of the things I like the most about the Spike comics - they give him friends - a makeshift family - people who might be around for a long time, because I think he needs that.
“Grief needs loneliness.” So sad and yet true.
Thank you - reading this back, then I still love how well this little ficlet works.
Beautifully put. Yes, you have moments like this where what you do next means either hello or goodbye in a final way. Love that she turned it into hello, stopped the unravel.
I think I needed that, because they'd been apart for long, and connections like that are very fragile.
Anyway, I'm glad this worked for you, and thank you for the lovely feedback. :)