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Spike FitB: Self Reflections.
This fic is for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
buttersideup! :) One of my oldest LJ friends, she’s also the one who put an awful lot of time, effort and talent into making (and running) my website and this is a small effort to say ‘Thank you’. I hope you like it. *smooches*
But then when I looked through my flist this morning I realised that it isthe_royal_anna’s birthday today, so I’m going to use the fic as a birthday fic as well! Multi-tasking fic, yay! *g*
Have a Wonderfully Happy Day Anna, and all the best in the year ahead! *biiiiiiiig hugs*
Setting: After the fade-to-black of ‘Harm’s Way’. Why did Spike decide to stay in LA? And why did he seek refuge in ‘The Peppermint Stick’? Why did he go along with ‘Doyle’? Here’s my take.
Beta: The more-than-usually brilliantkathyh, who helped make the ending a lot better! Thank you Kathy! :)
Rating: PG.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. But then you knew that.
Feedback: Please, please, please?
Self Reflections
“I matter,” Harmony says, happy satisfaction on her face.
Spike smiles. Funny thing about the soul - makes him want to make people happy. Even Harmony. Although he owes her that much at least - never did treat her right. She continues chatting, telling him about her day in great detail, and he nods along with well practised ease, not really listening anymore. All the voices in the bar begin to overlap, a chorus of conversation swirling around him, but he pays no attention. It becomes meaningless babble, like a foreign language.
Instead his thoughts turn inward, repeating his own words again - words that have been in his head for hours now, as he struggled with his decision...
“It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.”
Heroes who die saving the world are supposed to stay dead. Being brought back to life by a flash in a box is not how the story was supposed to go - their story was special. And their story is finished.
It’s all about soul.
What a fool he’d been seeking it out - thinking that he could have a future with Buffy...
He’d wanted to be her lover, her partner, her man.
But the soul had not made him her man. The soul made him her hero - her Champion - something more than just a guy in love with a girl. And heroes don’t get the girl, he knows that much. Han Solo walked off with Leia and Luke had to be content with honour alone.
(Apart from the whole incest thing of course, but Old George could have rustled up another princess if he’d wanted. Oh, the irony of once having said that Angel was his Yoda is not lost on him. Bloody Yoda and his hero making...)
And Buffy doesn’t need a hero. Not anymore. That was after all his gift to her - she can do what she wants now, have a real life if she desires, with a real man...
He catches sight of a mirror, and his lack of reflection brings home again all the things he isn’t, and all the things he can’t have - can’t give.
But he was a man once...
A memory resurfaces from long, long ago. He was in his early twenties... Most of the family had gathered together at Aunt Florence’s country house, and he had been especially pleased since it would be the first time he’d see Cousin Beth after a gap of more than 2 years. The two of them had been great childhood friends, but Beth had moved away after her marriage and although both of them were avid letter writers, he’d missed her greatly.
Cousin Beth also brought her firstborn - a little girl, not yet 6 months old. Beth insisted that William should try to hold her, and he gazed down at the tiny face with wonder. “You must find yourself a wife Will,” Beth implored. “Little Emily will need someone to play with!” She laughed at his mild terror, because he had only recently finished university and was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. A moment later she carefully took back the infant, and as she looked down at the baby there was a light on her face that William had never seen before. Love and devotion and other feelings his poor, pathetic poetic skills would never be able to justify. Slowly she turned her eyes to him, serious. “Have children William. Trust me.”
He had nodded, silently vowing to himself that one day he would find a treasure like the one he could see before him. A family - people to love, people to cherish, the whole miracle of life... the miracle that is now Buffy’s to embrace.
He swallows bitterly, and for a moment wonders what would have happened if Cecily hadn’t turned out to be a bitch. Would they have had a rich, happy life? Would he have died old and satisfied, surrounded by grandchildren, rather than young and dejected in a cold, dirty barn?
But he’s been dead for so long that he cannot really remember what living was like - those hopes and dreams died in the barn, and they are but ghosts now. Almost like the memory of sunshine...
Except sunshine is something he still recalls vividly.
He closes his eyes, immerses himself in recollection - the blinding light that somehow made him see clearly for the first time...
And there it is again - the joy and terror of being bathed, suffused, in sunlight after the darkness of more than a century. The feeling was incredible - everything inside aflame and more alive than ever. And he saw her - saw the love in her eyes, shining as brightly as the amulet on his chest. The love he had been seeking for so long, the prize that he had wanted more than any other. And he had to let it go.
He was alive to her in that moment, but soon he would be dust and he could not let her love a dying man. So he told her no. He had known then that he wasn’t the one for her. He had given her his love, his life - because of her he’d become someone he’d never dreamed he could be, not in his wildest fantasies.
He’d become her Champion - and now he can’t go back. Just as little as he had been able to get rid of the soul once he’d discovered how it burned. You cannot remake the past once your time is up.
So he has to move forward.
Staring into the glass in his hands he tries to work out where to go from here. What direction is forward? Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured. Everywhere he looks there is darkness, overgrowth blocking his view.
Then Harmony’s voice cuts through his thoughts, like so many blunt knives.
“Aw Spikey, I really need to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for being here tonight. Just you and me, talking and chatting like me and Cordy once used to... it’s like a dream come true!”
She enthusiastically embraces him and plants a kiss on his cheek, as her words reverberate within him - hollow echoes going back and forth.
A dream come true...
And with a shock he realises that he no longer has any dreams. It feels like a punch in the gut, like a sudden hollow carved out from within him. Once his dreams were tied to his mortal life - then to his Dark Queen. And then there was Buffy who changed everything. Love has swept him along his whole life, and all he had to do was to follow his heart. And now...
He absent-mindedly says good-bye to Harmony, as he keeps staring into the void that only he can see, feeling his life caving in around him.
He had been The Champion, saving the world, saving his Love.
Finished. Complete.
Who is he, now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A note: The line ‘It’s all about soul’ is actually a (very vague) reference to a Billy Joel song called ‘All About Soul’. The song to me has a wonderful S7 feel to it, with Buffy as Spike’s strength. Lines like:
It’s all about soul
It’s all about faith and a deeper devotion
It’s all about soul
cause under the love is a stronger emotion
speak of that very powerfully. But it also foreshadows the difficult times ahead, the place that Spike’s now in:
This life isn't fair
It’s gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You've got to get tough, but that ain’t enough
It's all about soul
It struck me as extremely fitting to Spike’s frame of mind, which is why I’m mentioning it.
And I also uploaded the song in case anyone wants to hear it: All About Soul by Billy Joel. Enjoy! :)
(Lyrics here.)
buttersideup! :) One of my oldest LJ friends, she’s also the one who put an awful lot of time, effort and talent into making (and running) my website and this is a small effort to say ‘Thank you’. I hope you like it. *smooches*But then when I looked through my flist this morning I realised that it is
the_royal_anna’s birthday today, so I’m going to use the fic as a birthday fic as well! Multi-tasking fic, yay! *g*Have a Wonderfully Happy Day Anna, and all the best in the year ahead! *biiiiiiiig hugs*
Setting: After the fade-to-black of ‘Harm’s Way’. Why did Spike decide to stay in LA? And why did he seek refuge in ‘The Peppermint Stick’? Why did he go along with ‘Doyle’? Here’s my take.
Beta: The more-than-usually brilliant
kathyh, who helped make the ending a lot better! Thank you Kathy! :)Rating: PG.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. But then you knew that.
Feedback: Please, please, please?
Self Reflections
“I matter,” Harmony says, happy satisfaction on her face.
Spike smiles. Funny thing about the soul - makes him want to make people happy. Even Harmony. Although he owes her that much at least - never did treat her right. She continues chatting, telling him about her day in great detail, and he nods along with well practised ease, not really listening anymore. All the voices in the bar begin to overlap, a chorus of conversation swirling around him, but he pays no attention. It becomes meaningless babble, like a foreign language.
Instead his thoughts turn inward, repeating his own words again - words that have been in his head for hours now, as he struggled with his decision...
“It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.”
Heroes who die saving the world are supposed to stay dead. Being brought back to life by a flash in a box is not how the story was supposed to go - their story was special. And their story is finished.
It’s all about soul.
What a fool he’d been seeking it out - thinking that he could have a future with Buffy...
He’d wanted to be her lover, her partner, her man.
But the soul had not made him her man. The soul made him her hero - her Champion - something more than just a guy in love with a girl. And heroes don’t get the girl, he knows that much. Han Solo walked off with Leia and Luke had to be content with honour alone.
(Apart from the whole incest thing of course, but Old George could have rustled up another princess if he’d wanted. Oh, the irony of once having said that Angel was his Yoda is not lost on him. Bloody Yoda and his hero making...)
And Buffy doesn’t need a hero. Not anymore. That was after all his gift to her - she can do what she wants now, have a real life if she desires, with a real man...
He catches sight of a mirror, and his lack of reflection brings home again all the things he isn’t, and all the things he can’t have - can’t give.
But he was a man once...
A memory resurfaces from long, long ago. He was in his early twenties... Most of the family had gathered together at Aunt Florence’s country house, and he had been especially pleased since it would be the first time he’d see Cousin Beth after a gap of more than 2 years. The two of them had been great childhood friends, but Beth had moved away after her marriage and although both of them were avid letter writers, he’d missed her greatly.
Cousin Beth also brought her firstborn - a little girl, not yet 6 months old. Beth insisted that William should try to hold her, and he gazed down at the tiny face with wonder. “You must find yourself a wife Will,” Beth implored. “Little Emily will need someone to play with!” She laughed at his mild terror, because he had only recently finished university and was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. A moment later she carefully took back the infant, and as she looked down at the baby there was a light on her face that William had never seen before. Love and devotion and other feelings his poor, pathetic poetic skills would never be able to justify. Slowly she turned her eyes to him, serious. “Have children William. Trust me.”
He had nodded, silently vowing to himself that one day he would find a treasure like the one he could see before him. A family - people to love, people to cherish, the whole miracle of life... the miracle that is now Buffy’s to embrace.
He swallows bitterly, and for a moment wonders what would have happened if Cecily hadn’t turned out to be a bitch. Would they have had a rich, happy life? Would he have died old and satisfied, surrounded by grandchildren, rather than young and dejected in a cold, dirty barn?
But he’s been dead for so long that he cannot really remember what living was like - those hopes and dreams died in the barn, and they are but ghosts now. Almost like the memory of sunshine...
Except sunshine is something he still recalls vividly.
He closes his eyes, immerses himself in recollection - the blinding light that somehow made him see clearly for the first time...
And there it is again - the joy and terror of being bathed, suffused, in sunlight after the darkness of more than a century. The feeling was incredible - everything inside aflame and more alive than ever. And he saw her - saw the love in her eyes, shining as brightly as the amulet on his chest. The love he had been seeking for so long, the prize that he had wanted more than any other. And he had to let it go.
He was alive to her in that moment, but soon he would be dust and he could not let her love a dying man. So he told her no. He had known then that he wasn’t the one for her. He had given her his love, his life - because of her he’d become someone he’d never dreamed he could be, not in his wildest fantasies.
He’d become her Champion - and now he can’t go back. Just as little as he had been able to get rid of the soul once he’d discovered how it burned. You cannot remake the past once your time is up.
So he has to move forward.
Staring into the glass in his hands he tries to work out where to go from here. What direction is forward? Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured. Everywhere he looks there is darkness, overgrowth blocking his view.
Then Harmony’s voice cuts through his thoughts, like so many blunt knives.
“Aw Spikey, I really need to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for being here tonight. Just you and me, talking and chatting like me and Cordy once used to... it’s like a dream come true!”
She enthusiastically embraces him and plants a kiss on his cheek, as her words reverberate within him - hollow echoes going back and forth.
A dream come true...
And with a shock he realises that he no longer has any dreams. It feels like a punch in the gut, like a sudden hollow carved out from within him. Once his dreams were tied to his mortal life - then to his Dark Queen. And then there was Buffy who changed everything. Love has swept him along his whole life, and all he had to do was to follow his heart. And now...
He absent-mindedly says good-bye to Harmony, as he keeps staring into the void that only he can see, feeling his life caving in around him.
He had been The Champion, saving the world, saving his Love.
Finished. Complete.
Who is he, now?
A note: The line ‘It’s all about soul’ is actually a (very vague) reference to a Billy Joel song called ‘All About Soul’. The song to me has a wonderful S7 feel to it, with Buffy as Spike’s strength. Lines like:
It’s all about soul
It’s all about faith and a deeper devotion
It’s all about soul
cause under the love is a stronger emotion
speak of that very powerfully. But it also foreshadows the difficult times ahead, the place that Spike’s now in:
This life isn't fair
It’s gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You've got to get tough, but that ain’t enough
It's all about soul
It struck me as extremely fitting to Spike’s frame of mind, which is why I’m mentioning it.
And I also uploaded the song in case anyone wants to hear it: All About Soul by Billy Joel. Enjoy! :)
(Lyrics here.)
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Thank you so much for your feedback, it's very much appreciated. *hugs*