elisi | Spike FitB: Self Reflections.

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Spike FitB: Self Reflections.

This fic is for

buttersideup! :) One of my oldest LJ friends, she’s also the one who put an awful lot of time, effort and talent into making (and running) my website and this is a small effort to say ‘Thank you’. I hope you like it. *smooches*

But then when I looked through my flist this morning I realised that it is

the_royal_anna’s birthday today, so I’m going to use the fic as a birthday fic as well! Multi-tasking fic, yay! *g*

Have a Wonderfully Happy Day Anna, and all the best in the year ahead! *biiiiiiiig hugs*

Setting: After the fade-to-black of ‘Harm’s Way’. Why did Spike decide to stay in LA? And why did he seek refuge in ‘The Peppermint Stick’? Why did he go along with ‘Doyle’? Here’s my take.
Beta: The more-than-usually brilliant

kathyh, who helped make the ending a lot better! Thank you Kathy! :)
Rating: PG.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. But then you knew that.
Feedback: Please, please, please?

Self Reflections

“I matter,” Harmony says, happy satisfaction on her face.

Spike smiles. Funny thing about the soul - makes him want to make people happy. Even Harmony. Although he owes her that much at least - never did treat her right. She continues chatting, telling him about her day in great detail, and he nods along with well practised ease, not really listening anymore. All the voices in the bar begin to overlap, a chorus of conversation swirling around him, but he pays no attention. It becomes meaningless babble, like a foreign language.

Instead his thoughts turn inward, repeating his own words again - words that have been in his head for hours now, as he struggled with his decision...

“It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.”

Heroes who die saving the world are supposed to stay dead. Being brought back to life by a flash in a box is not how the story was supposed to go - their story was special. And their story is finished.

It’s all about soul.

What a fool he’d been seeking it out - thinking that he could have a future with Buffy...

He’d wanted to be her lover, her partner, her man.

But the soul had not made him her man. The soul made him her hero - her Champion - something more than just a guy in love with a girl. And heroes don’t get the girl, he knows that much. Han Solo walked off with Leia and Luke had to be content with honour alone.

(Apart from the whole incest thing of course, but Old George could have rustled up another princess if he’d wanted. Oh, the irony of once having said that Angel was his Yoda is not lost on him. Bloody Yoda and his hero making...)

And Buffy doesn’t need a hero. Not anymore. That was after all his gift to her - she can do what she wants now, have a real life if she desires, with a real man...

He catches sight of a mirror, and his lack of reflection brings home again all the things he isn’t, and all the things he can’t have - can’t give.

But he was a man once...

A memory resurfaces from long, long ago. He was in his early twenties... Most of the family had gathered together at Aunt Florence’s country house, and he had been especially pleased since it would be the first time he’d see Cousin Beth after a gap of more than 2 years. The two of them had been great childhood friends, but Beth had moved away after her marriage and although both of them were avid letter writers, he’d missed her greatly.

Cousin Beth also brought her firstborn - a little girl, not yet 6 months old. Beth insisted that William should try to hold her, and he gazed down at the tiny face with wonder. “You must find yourself a wife Will,” Beth implored. “Little Emily will need someone to play with!” She laughed at his mild terror, because he had only recently finished university and was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. A moment later she carefully took back the infant, and as she looked down at the baby there was a light on her face that William had never seen before. Love and devotion and other feelings his poor, pathetic poetic skills would never be able to justify. Slowly she turned her eyes to him, serious. “Have children William. Trust me.”

He had nodded, silently vowing to himself that one day he would find a treasure like the one he could see before him. A family - people to love, people to cherish, the whole miracle of life... the miracle that is now Buffy’s to embrace.

He swallows bitterly, and for a moment wonders what would have happened if Cecily hadn’t turned out to be a bitch. Would they have had a rich, happy life? Would he have died old and satisfied, surrounded by grandchildren, rather than young and dejected in a cold, dirty barn?

But he’s been dead for so long that he cannot really remember what living was like - those hopes and dreams died in the barn, and they are but ghosts now. Almost like the memory of sunshine...

Except sunshine is something he still recalls vividly.

He closes his eyes, immerses himself in recollection - the blinding light that somehow made him see clearly for the first time...

And there it is again - the joy and terror of being bathed, suffused, in sunlight after the darkness of more than a century. The feeling was incredible - everything inside aflame and more alive than ever. And he saw her - saw the love in her eyes, shining as brightly as the amulet on his chest. The love he had been seeking for so long, the prize that he had wanted more than any other. And he had to let it go.

He was alive to her in that moment, but soon he would be dust and he could not let her love a dying man. So he told her no. He had known then that he wasn’t the one for her. He had given her his love, his life - because of her he’d become someone he’d never dreamed he could be, not in his wildest fantasies.

He’d become her Champion - and now he can’t go back. Just as little as he had been able to get rid of the soul once he’d discovered how it burned. You cannot remake the past once your time is up.

So he has to move forward.

Staring into the glass in his hands he tries to work out where to go from here. What direction is forward? Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured. Everywhere he looks there is darkness, overgrowth blocking his view.

Then Harmony’s voice cuts through his thoughts, like so many blunt knives.

“Aw Spikey, I really need to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for being here tonight. Just you and me, talking and chatting like me and Cordy once used to... it’s like a dream come true!”

She enthusiastically embraces him and plants a kiss on his cheek, as her words reverberate within him - hollow echoes going back and forth.

A dream come true...

And with a shock he realises that he no longer has any dreams. It feels like a punch in the gut, like a sudden hollow carved out from within him. Once his dreams were tied to his mortal life - then to his Dark Queen. And then there was Buffy who changed everything. Love has swept him along his whole life, and all he had to do was to follow his heart. And now...

He absent-mindedly says good-bye to Harmony, as he keeps staring into the void that only he can see, feeling his life caving in around him.

He had been The Champion, saving the world, saving his Love.

Finished. Complete.

Who is he, now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A note: The line ‘It’s all about soul’ is actually a (very vague) reference to a Billy Joel song called ‘All About Soul’. The song to me has a wonderful S7 feel to it, with Buffy as Spike’s strength. Lines like:

It’s all about soul
It’s all about faith and a deeper devotion
It’s all about soul
cause under the love is a stronger emotion

speak of that very powerfully. But it also foreshadows the difficult times ahead, the place that Spike’s now in:

This life isn't fair
It’s gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You've got to get tough, but that ain’t enough
It's all about soul

It struck me as extremely fitting to Spike’s frame of mind, which is why I’m mentioning it.

And I also uploaded the song in case anyone wants to hear it: All About Soul by Billy Joel. Enjoy! :)

(Lyrics here.)

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Wow, that was just so powerful and amazing! How the hell did you find this song? Never heard of it before but God it fits! Very well done, hon. And aww, Spike is Harmony's Cordelia. Funny since he was first cast as a regular to replace Cordelia *winks* Having it in my memories!

Btw, I've been writing a Missing Episode set between S6 and S7 for LateSeasonlove, and it's finally finished, do you know a good beta? I'll be very grateful to have someone with a good knowledge of the show to criticize it at first before I post it.

Wow, that was just so powerful and amazing!
The fic or the song? Or both? *g* Anyway, thank you!

Darcy has a couple of Billy Idol CDs, and the line rang a bell. So I went and looked it up and my goodness it really was the perfect song! :)

As for beta readers, then try asking your flist - it's what I did and I got 3 people offering! (I'd obviously recommend Kathy, but I know that her RL is very busy at the moment.)

The fic or the song? Or both? *g* Anyway, thank you!

Both. :)

As for beta readers, then try asking your flist - it's what I did and I got 3 people offering!

I tried that. I got one to do it but it's been more than two or three weeks and she didn't return it. I found a place to ask about betas, if it didn't work, I'll just post it anyway, I've finished with this episode a month ago and I can't wait any longer. lol

Both. :)
Yay! *g*

And sorry about the beta trouble... There's

writersresource and

riters_r_us that I know of as good looking places! Anyway, good luck! :)

Beautifully done.

Thank you. :)

That was so beautiful and bittersweet. And again, I'm impressed by your ability to evoke such strong emotions in a short fic like that.

I remember that song! The music is so upbeat, but looking at the lyrics, it really does fit.

I'm impressed by your ability to evoke such strong emotions in a short fic like that.
Aw, thank you. Although it was sat in my head for days and days, so it got condensed onto what was necessary that way. :)

I remember that song!
I'm glad I'm not the only one. And considering my memory was very hazy, it turned out to fit very well indeed.

I hope you're doing better! *hugs*

*hugs back* I am feeling much, much better now!

That's good to know. :)

This is really good. You've walked us through his mind in a moment that's very tough to parse, and come up with the conclusion that no 'shipper really wants - that he might yearn for Buffy, like sunshine, but accepts that he can't have her, except as a blaze-of-glory hero. And then moving past that, to the open-ended question of He had been The Champion, saving the world, saving his Love. Finished. Complete. Who is he, now? Well done.

Best line: . Love has swept him along his whole life, and all he had to do was to follow his heart. And now... That's seems like such an important key to the character, both to who he's been and to how he's changed.

Special kudos to for this exchange. It's very Jossian:

Staring into the glass in his hands he tries to work out where to go from here. What direction is forward? Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured. Everywhere he looks there is darkness, overgrowth blocking his view.

Then Harmony’s voice cuts through his thoughts, like so many blunt knives.

“Aw Spikey, I really need to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for being here tonight. Just you and me, talking and chatting like me and Cordy once used to... it’s like a dream come true!”

Question, and then answer. And all of it right there in the visual and the dialogue - even if you couldn't hear Spike's internal track here, it's there. He's sitting and pondering and not really listening to Harmony, and then there she is, thanking him for being there and listening. Wry and ironic and a little food for thought in her words: it's like a dream come true!

Great job. (applauds)

Gah! ::passes out from praise::

Um, I think what I meant was 'Thank you!!!!!' This is like a 3 course meal of feedback! :)

accepts that he can't have her, except as a blaze-of-glory hero.
I think that's the key for him, just like it was for Angel, only more so. With a world full of Slayers she really *can* have that normal life, and he doesn't want to impose. (Of course he's also robbing Buffy of choosing for herself, but I think he saw her choose way back when she gave him the amulet.)

both to who he's been and to how he's changed.
It was one of the bits that just grew out of the fic as I wrote it, and it just clicked. He has no one to love (echoes of'Smashed' there...).

Special kudos to for this exchange.
Squee! Although I have to give credit to

kathyh who was the one to suggest using Harmony as the truth teller. Which made the whole thing work *so* much better! :) Another point is that he's just beginning to wonder what it actually means to be a vampire with a soul. What with hanging around Angel and hearing all about the shanshu and the champion thing, he's very unsure of what that means for him.

Great job. (applauds)
I'm seriously overwhelmed here! *bows and blushes*

Of course he's also robbing Buffy of choosing for herself, but I think he saw her choose way back when she gave him the amulet.

I think that is that real difference - Spike is responding to actual observation, to what he's seen of Buffy and what she wants, not just assumptions about them, at some undetermined point in the future. And at this moment, he can't think that he has anything to offer than she needs. Nothing he's seen would suggest that.

echoes of'Smashed' there...

Ooh! I hadn't made that connection. Even better.

My kudos too to

kathyh then, too - Harmony's positioning really works perfectly here. I love the idea of the shifting truth-teller role - it's all relative, depending on who's talking, who's listening, what their current state of mind is. Spike has, because of the soul and everythinge else he's been through, become the kind of person who doesn't always speak his mind outright anymore, not the way Harmony does, so who better than she to provide perfect contrast?

And don't you blush, dammit - this is just GOOD. Bask! Bask in the praise. : )

I think that is that real difference - Spike is responding to actual observation
Having just re-watched 'The Prom' the other day, I definitely agree with this. (But I'm not going to get into another Spike vs Angel argument now...*g*) Spike understands Buffy very well indeed, and even says that she'd probably be happy to see him. Which also means that it isn't just about her anymore - he's thinking beyond 'I want to see Buffy'.

Ooh! I hadn't made that connection. Even better.
For I am hopelessly addicted to continuity...

I love the idea of the shifting truth-teller role
Me too! :)

And don't you blush, dammit - this is just GOOD. Bask! Bask in the praise. : )
OK, I'm basking... :D

helped make the ending a lot better!

I didn't really. You did all the hard work *g*, but thanks anyway. As I said before I really like this one, not that I don't like them all, but this one is particularly strong I think.

I didn't really.
You *totally* did too! ;) And did you see

thedeadlyhook's comment? She singled that bit out! You rock! :)

And thank you again for the kind words. This one is very much one of those where a fic can say more than many essays I think. If, you know, you get it right. *g*

I *must* go and sleep now but thank you so much! I will be back in the morning. :)

This is so well balanced and observed - and I like the undercurrent of hope, the resolution to find who he is and re-define his place the world.

And these lines especially are magnificent:

He'd become her Champion - and now he can't go back

What direction is forward? Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured.

This is so well balanced and observed
Squee! Thank you! It's a hard moment to pin down, so I'm glad it worked. :) And although it's very un-shippy, I love the fact that he went on to become his own man.

these lines especially are magnificent
*giggles* I mean thank you, but you made me think of William reading his awful poetry to his mother... *g*

Anyway, I'm so glad you liked it. *hugs*

My pleasure! I just can't believe that I forgot your birthday. I think my brain is dying.

And look, here's my birthday icon. :)

Nice job. Particularly liked the parts with Cousin Beth and his realization that he has no particular pursuits at the moment. I also like the "finished, complete" bit which recalls what Buffy said about her own time after dying. That completion was denied to both of them by someone else.

Thank you. :)

That completion was denied to both of them by someone else.
I thought that was an important thing to mention, and it ties them together, even as it pulls them apart. Buffy questioned why she was brought back, but being The Slayer she had her job laid out in front of her. Spike... only has questions at the moment.

Oh, wow, what a nice surprise to come back to! Thank you! My internet was out all day yesterday, so I didn't see this until just now.

I really like this, and I think it's definitely the way Spike was feeling for most of the season. I especially like how you used "Finished. Complete." at the end because it reminds me of what Buffy said in the ally in After Life and how she was just as confused then about what her place was as he is now. Just one more thing they have in common, I guess. :)

Oh, wow, what a nice surprise to come back to!
:) I've thought that I ought to 'get you something' for a while, and when this bunny came hopping by I thought it'd be perfect! Thank you again for all the hard work you've put into the website, I'm hugely grateful and very impressed! *hugs*

I think it's definitely the way Spike was feeling for most of the season.
People in pain are so much more intersting than happy ones. I'm glad it rang true - he really didn't talk about himself much.

Just one more thing they have in common, I guess. :)
Exactly. I'm sure he was aware of that, but maybe didn't want to burden Buffy with all his worries... a complex matter, certainly.

Wow! That was wonderful. You've managed to explain what the show never could. I just couldn't accept that Spike wouldn't seek out Buffy, but you've come up with a completely plausible reason. Thanks so much for shairing this!

Squee! :) Well I went with what I saw on screen, and tried to work out what Spike might have been thinking - he really didn't explain much to anyone, so I hoped it rang true.

Thank you so much for your feedback, it's very much appreciated. *hugs*

Stunning!!!!

*is stunned*

Wonderful fic about Spike "post Buffy".
I really think that, in many ways, he needs to find a pourpose not connected with her.
He really had completed his journey, becoming a hero, a champion.
He's like Buffy: they both have completed their heroic journey, now they have to live. :)

I really think that, in many ways, he needs to find a pourpose not connected with her.
*nods a lot* It's one reason I like S5 of AtS so much (as well as the Spike comics - Asylum, Shadowpupets). It allows him to become himself, to not just follow his blood, but to become independent.

He's like Buffy: they both have completed their heroic journey, now they have to live. :)
Beautifully put. <3

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Spike FitB: Self Reflections.

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