Buffy/Riley... why it didn't work.

[elisi]

Watched 'Into The Woods' yesterday and had something of an epiphany...

First of all, I have to say that Riley's feelings of being unneeded are set up very nicely, but - it comes back to the old saying:

You shouldn't be in a realtionship if you want to be made happy, but to make happy.

I'm not saying that Riley should have continued with an unsatisfying relationship, but he left because she didn't make him feel a certain way:

RILEY: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.

Anyway, this brings me to my main point. It was these lines that suddenly stood out:

BUFFY: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying.
RILEY: It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.
BUFFY: But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is. And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you.
RILEY: It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it.

Riley misunderstands her there. She is NOT talking about physical strength. She is talking about the strength to walk to her own death when 16 years old. The strength to kill the love of her life. The strength to carry to weight of the world on her shoulders and not let up, because no one else can carry her burden:

First!Buffy: Look hard. What do you see?
Caleb: Strength. And the loneliness that comes with real strength.
'Dirty Girls'

A strength (and inherent weakness) that Spike of course understands:

And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die?
'Fool For Love'

Buffy tried to warn Riley, way back in 'Doomed' - and his response was that people could get through these things if they looked after each other. But that's never going to work with Buffy... not really. Because she's a Slayer:

Spike: I know slayers. No matter how many people they've got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned.
LMPTM

This is Riley's tragedy - Buffy would never, ever need him the way he wanted her to.

And we saw that even when unsouled Spike in some ways understood Buffy better than Riley. And when souled could give her what Riley never could - support without asking for anything in return:

Spike: I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me.

Mostly, I think the whole thing is summed up best in this icon by _jems_, which was what spurred on my initial thought:



(ETA: This is the short version. If you want *long* B/R meta, I got that too! *g*)

Comments

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

I think that he misunderstands what being a Slayer is... he focusses on the physical - lets himself get bit because he wants to understand what her deal with vampires is. But that's never what it was about

I think the story focuses on the physical as metaphorical for the emotional quite frequently. (S7 is weakened in many ways because the writing focuses treatment of power too heavily on physical might rather than other types of power) But I don't see that Riley makes this mistake.

He's a psych major, and he holds a leadership position in the military. And in my work experience - physical power is a limited part of what makes someone rise in the service. He knows it's not just physical. If it were just physical there would be room to work...

Mostly it's the fact that Riley would *always* be secondary to the mission

I'm not even sure it's that. He's a military commander of some rank. He's had friends who were also subordinates. He's had to make life or death decisions over them. He knows and gets the concept. He's lived it.

The issue is, could it work with Buffy? Unlike with Walsh, he still believes in Buffy's mission. What he doesn't believe, is that Buffy has a place for him within that.

And, truthfully, she doesn't. Buffy has so much responsibility that she doesn't want to have to also take that on with her friends and SO's. It's easier for her with Giles, Xander and Willow, who are usually friends but had generally accepted that she would call the shots when she felt she had to.

It worked easier for her with Angel and Spike, who might challenge her on a point or two but don't need things explained - Spike because it is his nature to follow and Angel because he understands her as a fellow natural leader.

Riley, OTOH, comes by this dynamic through training and structure and he needs things explained. Buffy doesn't like or want to have to do that.


But, for that work, it would require Buffy to accept that dynamic as well, and to come out and directly/nakedly tell him that this was his role.

Yeah - hooking up with the VampHo is an aim to get a physical manifestation of what he's lacked emotionally but it's also acting out designed to force a confrontation.

He's often wanted Buffy to plainly and nakedly define what their roles are, and he's frustrated as much by her unwillingness to define as he is by what that actual definition is. (How rarely does Buffy ever lay out a "this, specifically, is what I need from you?) I think he's both disappointed and relieved by the end of their relationship, because at least he's not uncertain about where they stand.

I'm willing to believe he could have accepted a subordinate role, and equally willing to believe that this is not how Buffy likes her relationships to work.

It's more just a point of where they don't match - because he needs and wants structure out of a woman, and is in love with a woman who is very much not the structure-hierarchy type. You can work on that if you both love each other enough to find compromises (he'd have to compromise more than her) but it's kind of pointless if you don't.

[elisi]

I really don't have much to add to this, since it was all very insightful.

It's more just a point of where they don't match - because he needs and wants structure out of a woman, and is in love with a woman who is very much not the structure-hierarchy type. You can work on that if you both love each other enough to find compromises (he'd have to compromise more than her) but it's kind of pointless if you don't.
This is very spot-on! I actually wrote an essay once about that point in particular (chaos/order), so I think we're pretty much in agreement! :)

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, definitely a lot of agreement over this.

The one note I would have here is that in a world where character interactions aren't limited by contractual requirements... I don't think there's any reason they couldn't wind up forging some sort of a decent professional/working relationship. (Although Buffy, at 22 doesn't really do professionalism yet...)

Riley, as a useful resource for her. (He has access to government funding and manpower!) And Buffy as someone who could solve problems Riley would discover and know are beyond what his hierarchy could handle. You know, as long as they had some sort of loosely structured agreement - and somebody other than Buffy to handle the details.

[elisi]

The one note I would have here is that in a world where character interactions aren't limited by contractual requirements... I don't think there's any reason they couldn't wind up forging some sort of a decent professional/working relationship.
That's a good point. And hey - who knows what the comic books might bring?

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

She actually does seek him out for help with Spike's chip in S7, which I think shows a certain growth on her part - learning to ask for help, knowing when something is beyond her. She doesn't get it perfect that season, but it's a first step, admitting the need for help. That it's motivated to help someone she cares about is a common human motivation.