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Beware The Sparkles: The Stag Night.
Finally, a little bit of crack!fic... yes, it's yet another addition to my Torchwood/Twilight crossover 'verse. Not that there's much cross-overness in this part - all you need to know is that Jack got knocked up by a sparkly vampire and decided that Ianto was going to do the decent thing and marry him! This is the story of their stag night... (It started out just silly, then I added some action because I was worried it'd be too boring and finally ended up with unadulterated schmoop. But hey - isn't that what crack is for? *g*) ENJOY! (The main story can be found here.)
PG-13 I guess. (Will get back to all your lovely birthday wishes, promise, but have been out and am going out again!)
Stag Night
Friday night, crowded Cardiff club. At one of the tables we find Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, Martha and Tom. The owner comes along.
Bar owner: So, this is some sort of combined stag-and-hen-do, right? Who’s the groom?
[Both Jack and Ianto raise their hands]
Bar owner: Right...
Ianto: *I* am the groom, he is the bride.
Jack: Hey!
Ianto: The one who’s pregnant is the bride, end of story. Also you’ll be wearing white.
Jack: What? I never agreed to that. I’m not wearing it.
Ianto (drolly): Good luck trying to find someone else willing and able to adapt a morning suit. [glances at watch] There’s less than 18 hours to go now...
Jack: Crap. [takes deep breath and looks at bar owner who’s v. unsure what’s going on] Barkeep - bring me a large bottle of whiskey, single malt, aged at least twenty years. And don’t bother with a glass!
Ianto: Jack...
Jack (eyes fixed on barman): Go!
[He scuttles off]
Ianto: I’m not sure whiskey will be good for the baby.
Jack (vehemently): Fuck the baby!
Martha (tentatively): As a medical professional, I feel that I ought to point out that...
Jack: Martha. I love you, but get the hell out of my womb!
[Rhys and Tom shoot each other a ‘I love my woman, but the weird shit she brings along is almost too much’ look. Jack doesn’t notice and continues uninterrupted]
Jack: This thing’s half-vampire, it has petrified part of my insides, I crave eggs, have to eat blood, and the lil’ bastard broke two of my ribs earlier on with his kicking. I. Need. Whiskey. If the kid can’t cope, it’s tough luck!
[The bar man returns with a bottle.]
Jack: And here it is! [eagerly grabs bottle and drinks like John did in ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’.] Ooooooh, that’s the stuff. You know, I’ve never died of alcohol poisoning, maybe now’s the time! And it’d sort out my ribs.
Ianto (to himself): I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. [to barman] A Guiness please.
[The others order, and Jack is getting more acquainted with his bottle. Ianto and Gwen notice, worriedly, and Ianto sends Gwen a 'You talk to him, please!' look.]
Gwen: Jack... listen. It’s not so much the drinking it’s... well we’re worried. You just seem not to be dealing with the situation well.
Jack: Gwen! I’m pregnant and getting married, the two things I swore never to do again! [Gwen & Ianto shoot each other a ‘OMG he’s been married before, did you know about that?’ look] And not just that, but this time it’s both at the same time.
[He stops to imbibe some more whiskey, and Ianto clears his throat]
Ianto: Well... getting married was your idea! If you want to back out that’s... fine. Honestly.
Jack (takes another swig of the bottle before he speaks. He’s getting a tad drunk by now): No. I love you and it makes sense to make everything official and legal. I just have to... face my fears or whatever it’s called.
[Ianto gets a slightly panicked look in his eyes. ‘Oh God he said he loves me and we’re getting married tomorrow and I don’t know how to cope with this and how the hell did I end up here, we had a perfectly good thing going... And it’s not like he isn’t the center of my world, but just the thought of having to introduce him as my husband is almost enough to make me run away screaming and it’s all because of those STUPID vampires...’]
Ianto (grabs bottle out of Jack’s hands): I think I might need this too. [takes deep drink] Gwen - please tell me you hired a stripper. Preferably many.
Gwen (flustered): Well no, I didn’t... I mean what with all of us I wasn’t sure...
Jack: Well you could’ve got a girl and then 5 of us would have been happy - and I’m sure Martha wouldn’t have minded.
Gwen (blinks): Wait - but I’m not... I don’t...
Jack (smirks): You kissed a girl, and you liked it!
[Gwen is speechless.]
Rhys: What?
Jack: I’m sure we still have the tape in the archives somewhere...
Ianto (to Rhys, very politely): Indeed. I could make you a copy if you like?
Rhys (still flabbergasted): Gwen?
Gwen (spluttering and defensive): It was an alien! I mean, an alien that’d infected a girl and there were pheromones and... it wasn’t just me! Owen ended up naked and locked in one of the weevil cages! [turns to Jack] You know, I could have sued for sexual harassment.
Ianto (shrugs): Actually you couldn’t - you signed away the right when you joined. [Off Rhys’s outraged look] According to Jack one of the perks of the job is being sexually harassed by aliens!
Tom (to Martha): Please don’t ever, ever take Jack up on that job offer.
Martha (smiles): Don’t worry.
Ianto (sighs and regards the bottle sadly): Still no entertainment.
Jack (suddenly brightening): I could strip!
Everyone: No!
Jack (sulking): Bloody up-tight 21st Century. You know there was this time on the moon of Heixon when I bumped into these androids...
Ianto (buries head in hands): Not the android story! I think my head will explode if I have to hear that story one more time!
Martha (amused): You know, to me you seem just like a married couple already.
Ianto (head still buried): Not helping!
Jack (blithely ignoring the chatter): ...so they said, ‘Is it true what they say about humans?’ and I said...
Ianto (looking up at Martha): Think I could get him to put something in his vows about never ever telling that story again?
Martha (hesitating): Well it’d be a little unorthodox...
[Ianto raises eyebrow]
Martha: Point taken. Think you could bribe him?
Ianto (looks at Jack): Hmmm...
Jack (has finished story to general acclaim): Actually that reminds me of this time in Pompeii...
Ianto (sighs): It’s going to be a long night.
[Sometime later. Jack is still in full story-telling mode; Rhys and Tom are loving it, and Martha and Gwen are too, if trying not to show it too much (knowing that Jack’s ego doesn’t need any more boosting). Ianto and Jack are on their second bottle of whiskey, and the others are also on their way to being drunk.]
Jack: I mean, it turns out the white things are tusks and I mean TUSKS! And it's woken, and it's not happy-
Rhys: Bloody hell!
Ianto (to his bottle): And we're standing there, fifteen of us, NAKED-
Jack: And we're standing there, fifteen of us, NAKED- (stops, blinks, turns to Ianto) Hey!
Ianto (still focussed on bottle): *smirks*
Jack (very calm): Ianto?
Ianto (innocently): Yes sir?
Jack (eyes narrowing): Would you rather I tell something else? Like... [shrewd look slowly takes over] ...how we met? This is after all our stag do...
Ianto (suddenly paling): Wait... no - no you can’t!
Gwen (perking up considerably): Oooh, go on!
Jack (triumphant): He stalked me!
[Ianto tries to pretend that he’s invisible]
Jack: Turned up one night when I was weevil hunting and gave me a hand. Wore some of the tightest jeans known to man and introduced himself as ‘Jones, Ianto Jones’.
Ianto (trying his very best to be droll, but not succeeding very well due to being drunk): Never realised it had any impact - ‘specially given the way you threatened to throw me out of town if I didn’t stop.
Gwen (eyes HUGE): Seriously?
Jack (not really hearing Gwen): Well I thought you had ulterior motives, even if I couldn’t figure out what on earth they could be, so I didn’t want you around.
Martha: What changed? I mean, why did you hire him?
Ianto (somewhat smugly): I caught a pterodactyl.
Jack (smiles as he admires Ianto): Also, you put on a suit.
Ianto (smiles back): Should have worn it from the start...
Jack (leans in, smile widening): Indeed. Wasted whole days when I could have been admiring that perfect ass...
Ianto (rests his hand on Jack’s knee): Well you were good at making up for lost time...
Jack (puts a hand on Ianto’s neck, pulling him closer): My thoughts precisely.
Gwen (waves hands around): Ooookay, that’s enough!
Jack (pulling away): What?
Rhys (to Tom, both rather uncomfortable): I think it’s time someone got a room.
Jack (smirks): I like this room.
Martha (with pointed look): Yes but... it has rather a lot of people in it.
Jack (deviously): Exactly. I’ve been waiting for a long time to get him [indicates Ianto] drunk enough to agree to public sex.
Gwen: But- [splutters] Well for a start it’s illegal!
Ianto (shrugs): So what? We’re Torchwood. If necessary we can just ret-con them afterwards.
[Jack laughs delightedly.]
Gwen (with her best don’t-you-dare-defy-me-Captain-Jack-Harkness face): Jack - no!
Jack: Fine - get everyone out, you know the drill. Torchwood having an orgy ought to be a good enough excuse... [leers at her]
Gwen (looks up and then speaks very slowly and carefully): How about three heavily armed aliens walking through the door?
Jack: Bit over the top...
Gwen: No, seriously... Jack?
Jack (notices the screaming & mayhem and looks up, then pales): Oh crap.
Martha: What are they?
Jack (slowly stands up): Chula. Warrior species. Be extremely careful.
Chula female armed to the teeth: Hello lover. Guess you thought you’d finally found a safe hiding place - you ought to know better! [Pulls out enormous gun and points it straight at Jack’s head]
Ianto (with deep, deep weariness): Not again.
Jack (smiling too brightly as he walks forward): So... how have you been gorgeous? Now this is what I call excellent timing - as it happens I’m getting married tomorrow, so why don’t we sit down and have a drink - celebrate my last night as a free man, if you know what I mean? *winks*
Chula female (indignant and completely ignoring his speech): You stole my ship!
Jack (holds up hand): Actually…borrowed. Borrowed without permission, but with every intention of bringing it back to you! ...maybe.
Ianto (casually to those standing nearby): He looks very fetching dressed up as a pirate by the way.
Chula female: Where. Is. It?
Jack (grimaces): Well... there was a very unfortunate incident with a bomb...
Chula female (if possible even more indignant): You destroyed it?
Jack (exasperated): It didn’t have an escape pod! Even Sonatarans have escape pods on their ships! I almost died!
Chula female (grins nastily): Let’s make sure that it isn’t almost this time!
Jack (sighs): Fine. It was beautiful ship, I understand. Just promise that you’ll leave all the other people alone, OK? Honestly, they have nothing to do with this, their deaths would bring you no honour.
Chula female: Very well. On your knees - and no tricks!
Ianto (stands up, and with great calm aims his gun straight at the Chula’s head, stopwatch in his other hand): Well this was fun while it lasted, but playtime’s over now. You have 5 seconds exactly to step away from my fiancée, or things get ugly. Gwen?
Gwen: Right here.
Chula female: Foolish human, what do you think-
[Ianto fires. Gwen shoots the other alien at the same time. Jack, who has great presence of mind, instantly grabs his own gun and kills the last alien. Then stands up and turns to Ianto, furious.]
Jack: What the hell did you do that for? We’ve talked about risk-assessment, and that was just plain stupid!
Ianto (walks up to him before speaking, voice quiet so the rest of the room can’t quite hear): Jack - when you come back, you always come back exactly the same, no matter what has happened to you. No changes ever stick. And the baby...
[Jack pales as he realises that dying might mean losing the baby.]
Jack: Oh my god. Do you think...
Ianto (shakes his head): I don’t know. But it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
Jack has to fight back tears and pulls Ianto in for a very thorough and passionate kiss. As they slowly part they realise that the whole room is cheering for them. The bar owner declares that there’s free champagne for everyone to celebrate the happy and very brave couple, and the two of them get caught up in a flurry of hugs and congratulations. The evening progresses without further incident - the retcon + champagne combination works as swiftly as before and eventually Rhys takes Jack and Ianto back to Ianto’s flat to 'sleep' off the drink before the wedding.
But that is a story for another day...
PG-13 I guess. (Will get back to all your lovely birthday wishes, promise, but have been out and am going out again!)
Stag Night
Friday night, crowded Cardiff club. At one of the tables we find Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, Martha and Tom. The owner comes along.
Bar owner: So, this is some sort of combined stag-and-hen-do, right? Who’s the groom?
[Both Jack and Ianto raise their hands]
Bar owner: Right...
Ianto: *I* am the groom, he is the bride.
Jack: Hey!
Ianto: The one who’s pregnant is the bride, end of story. Also you’ll be wearing white.
Jack: What? I never agreed to that. I’m not wearing it.
Ianto (drolly): Good luck trying to find someone else willing and able to adapt a morning suit. [glances at watch] There’s less than 18 hours to go now...
Jack: Crap. [takes deep breath and looks at bar owner who’s v. unsure what’s going on] Barkeep - bring me a large bottle of whiskey, single malt, aged at least twenty years. And don’t bother with a glass!
Ianto: Jack...
Jack (eyes fixed on barman): Go!
[He scuttles off]
Ianto: I’m not sure whiskey will be good for the baby.
Jack (vehemently): Fuck the baby!
Martha (tentatively): As a medical professional, I feel that I ought to point out that...
Jack: Martha. I love you, but get the hell out of my womb!
[Rhys and Tom shoot each other a ‘I love my woman, but the weird shit she brings along is almost too much’ look. Jack doesn’t notice and continues uninterrupted]
Jack: This thing’s half-vampire, it has petrified part of my insides, I crave eggs, have to eat blood, and the lil’ bastard broke two of my ribs earlier on with his kicking. I. Need. Whiskey. If the kid can’t cope, it’s tough luck!
[The bar man returns with a bottle.]
Jack: And here it is! [eagerly grabs bottle and drinks like John did in ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’.] Ooooooh, that’s the stuff. You know, I’ve never died of alcohol poisoning, maybe now’s the time! And it’d sort out my ribs.
Ianto (to himself): I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. [to barman] A Guiness please.
[The others order, and Jack is getting more acquainted with his bottle. Ianto and Gwen notice, worriedly, and Ianto sends Gwen a 'You talk to him, please!' look.]
Gwen: Jack... listen. It’s not so much the drinking it’s... well we’re worried. You just seem not to be dealing with the situation well.
Jack: Gwen! I’m pregnant and getting married, the two things I swore never to do again! [Gwen & Ianto shoot each other a ‘OMG he’s been married before, did you know about that?’ look] And not just that, but this time it’s both at the same time.
[He stops to imbibe some more whiskey, and Ianto clears his throat]
Ianto: Well... getting married was your idea! If you want to back out that’s... fine. Honestly.
Jack (takes another swig of the bottle before he speaks. He’s getting a tad drunk by now): No. I love you and it makes sense to make everything official and legal. I just have to... face my fears or whatever it’s called.
[Ianto gets a slightly panicked look in his eyes. ‘Oh God he said he loves me and we’re getting married tomorrow and I don’t know how to cope with this and how the hell did I end up here, we had a perfectly good thing going... And it’s not like he isn’t the center of my world, but just the thought of having to introduce him as my husband is almost enough to make me run away screaming and it’s all because of those STUPID vampires...’]
Ianto (grabs bottle out of Jack’s hands): I think I might need this too. [takes deep drink] Gwen - please tell me you hired a stripper. Preferably many.
Gwen (flustered): Well no, I didn’t... I mean what with all of us I wasn’t sure...
Jack: Well you could’ve got a girl and then 5 of us would have been happy - and I’m sure Martha wouldn’t have minded.
Gwen (blinks): Wait - but I’m not... I don’t...
Jack (smirks): You kissed a girl, and you liked it!
[Gwen is speechless.]
Rhys: What?
Jack: I’m sure we still have the tape in the archives somewhere...
Ianto (to Rhys, very politely): Indeed. I could make you a copy if you like?
Rhys (still flabbergasted): Gwen?
Gwen (spluttering and defensive): It was an alien! I mean, an alien that’d infected a girl and there were pheromones and... it wasn’t just me! Owen ended up naked and locked in one of the weevil cages! [turns to Jack] You know, I could have sued for sexual harassment.
Ianto (shrugs): Actually you couldn’t - you signed away the right when you joined. [Off Rhys’s outraged look] According to Jack one of the perks of the job is being sexually harassed by aliens!
Tom (to Martha): Please don’t ever, ever take Jack up on that job offer.
Martha (smiles): Don’t worry.
Ianto (sighs and regards the bottle sadly): Still no entertainment.
Jack (suddenly brightening): I could strip!
Everyone: No!
Jack (sulking): Bloody up-tight 21st Century. You know there was this time on the moon of Heixon when I bumped into these androids...
Ianto (buries head in hands): Not the android story! I think my head will explode if I have to hear that story one more time!
Martha (amused): You know, to me you seem just like a married couple already.
Ianto (head still buried): Not helping!
Jack (blithely ignoring the chatter): ...so they said, ‘Is it true what they say about humans?’ and I said...
Ianto (looking up at Martha): Think I could get him to put something in his vows about never ever telling that story again?
Martha (hesitating): Well it’d be a little unorthodox...
[Ianto raises eyebrow]
Martha: Point taken. Think you could bribe him?
Ianto (looks at Jack): Hmmm...
Jack (has finished story to general acclaim): Actually that reminds me of this time in Pompeii...
Ianto (sighs): It’s going to be a long night.
[Sometime later. Jack is still in full story-telling mode; Rhys and Tom are loving it, and Martha and Gwen are too, if trying not to show it too much (knowing that Jack’s ego doesn’t need any more boosting). Ianto and Jack are on their second bottle of whiskey, and the others are also on their way to being drunk.]
Jack: I mean, it turns out the white things are tusks and I mean TUSKS! And it's woken, and it's not happy-
Rhys: Bloody hell!
Ianto (to his bottle): And we're standing there, fifteen of us, NAKED-
Jack: And we're standing there, fifteen of us, NAKED- (stops, blinks, turns to Ianto) Hey!
Ianto (still focussed on bottle): *smirks*
Jack (very calm): Ianto?
Ianto (innocently): Yes sir?
Jack (eyes narrowing): Would you rather I tell something else? Like... [shrewd look slowly takes over] ...how we met? This is after all our stag do...
Ianto (suddenly paling): Wait... no - no you can’t!
Gwen (perking up considerably): Oooh, go on!
Jack (triumphant): He stalked me!
[Ianto tries to pretend that he’s invisible]
Jack: Turned up one night when I was weevil hunting and gave me a hand. Wore some of the tightest jeans known to man and introduced himself as ‘Jones, Ianto Jones’.
Ianto (trying his very best to be droll, but not succeeding very well due to being drunk): Never realised it had any impact - ‘specially given the way you threatened to throw me out of town if I didn’t stop.
Gwen (eyes HUGE): Seriously?
Jack (not really hearing Gwen): Well I thought you had ulterior motives, even if I couldn’t figure out what on earth they could be, so I didn’t want you around.
Martha: What changed? I mean, why did you hire him?
Ianto (somewhat smugly): I caught a pterodactyl.
Jack (smiles as he admires Ianto): Also, you put on a suit.
Ianto (smiles back): Should have worn it from the start...
Jack (leans in, smile widening): Indeed. Wasted whole days when I could have been admiring that perfect ass...
Ianto (rests his hand on Jack’s knee): Well you were good at making up for lost time...
Jack (puts a hand on Ianto’s neck, pulling him closer): My thoughts precisely.
Gwen (waves hands around): Ooookay, that’s enough!
Jack (pulling away): What?
Rhys (to Tom, both rather uncomfortable): I think it’s time someone got a room.
Jack (smirks): I like this room.
Martha (with pointed look): Yes but... it has rather a lot of people in it.
Jack (deviously): Exactly. I’ve been waiting for a long time to get him [indicates Ianto] drunk enough to agree to public sex.
Gwen: But- [splutters] Well for a start it’s illegal!
Ianto (shrugs): So what? We’re Torchwood. If necessary we can just ret-con them afterwards.
[Jack laughs delightedly.]
Gwen (with her best don’t-you-dare-defy-me-Captain-Jack-Harkness face): Jack - no!
Jack: Fine - get everyone out, you know the drill. Torchwood having an orgy ought to be a good enough excuse... [leers at her]
Gwen (looks up and then speaks very slowly and carefully): How about three heavily armed aliens walking through the door?
Jack: Bit over the top...
Gwen: No, seriously... Jack?
Jack (notices the screaming & mayhem and looks up, then pales): Oh crap.
Martha: What are they?
Jack (slowly stands up): Chula. Warrior species. Be extremely careful.
Chula female armed to the teeth: Hello lover. Guess you thought you’d finally found a safe hiding place - you ought to know better! [Pulls out enormous gun and points it straight at Jack’s head]
Ianto (with deep, deep weariness): Not again.
Jack (smiling too brightly as he walks forward): So... how have you been gorgeous? Now this is what I call excellent timing - as it happens I’m getting married tomorrow, so why don’t we sit down and have a drink - celebrate my last night as a free man, if you know what I mean? *winks*
Chula female (indignant and completely ignoring his speech): You stole my ship!
Jack (holds up hand): Actually…borrowed. Borrowed without permission, but with every intention of bringing it back to you! ...maybe.
Ianto (casually to those standing nearby): He looks very fetching dressed up as a pirate by the way.
Chula female: Where. Is. It?
Jack (grimaces): Well... there was a very unfortunate incident with a bomb...
Chula female (if possible even more indignant): You destroyed it?
Jack (exasperated): It didn’t have an escape pod! Even Sonatarans have escape pods on their ships! I almost died!
Chula female (grins nastily): Let’s make sure that it isn’t almost this time!
Jack (sighs): Fine. It was beautiful ship, I understand. Just promise that you’ll leave all the other people alone, OK? Honestly, they have nothing to do with this, their deaths would bring you no honour.
Chula female: Very well. On your knees - and no tricks!
Ianto (stands up, and with great calm aims his gun straight at the Chula’s head, stopwatch in his other hand): Well this was fun while it lasted, but playtime’s over now. You have 5 seconds exactly to step away from my fiancée, or things get ugly. Gwen?
Gwen: Right here.
Chula female: Foolish human, what do you think-
[Ianto fires. Gwen shoots the other alien at the same time. Jack, who has great presence of mind, instantly grabs his own gun and kills the last alien. Then stands up and turns to Ianto, furious.]
Jack: What the hell did you do that for? We’ve talked about risk-assessment, and that was just plain stupid!
Ianto (walks up to him before speaking, voice quiet so the rest of the room can’t quite hear): Jack - when you come back, you always come back exactly the same, no matter what has happened to you. No changes ever stick. And the baby...
[Jack pales as he realises that dying might mean losing the baby.]
Jack: Oh my god. Do you think...
Ianto (shakes his head): I don’t know. But it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
Jack has to fight back tears and pulls Ianto in for a very thorough and passionate kiss. As they slowly part they realise that the whole room is cheering for them. The bar owner declares that there’s free champagne for everyone to celebrate the happy and very brave couple, and the two of them get caught up in a flurry of hugs and congratulations. The evening progresses without further incident - the retcon + champagne combination works as swiftly as before and eventually Rhys takes Jack and Ianto back to Ianto’s flat to 'sleep' off the drink before the wedding.
But that is a story for another day...
no subject
I KNOW! AND THEY'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND DRY EACH OTHER'S TEARS AND THEIR LOVE WILL BE A THING OF WONDER AND BEAUTY! *nods*
(Thank you SOOOOOOOO much for reading. ::smooches::)