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A tiny little TW/Twilight snippet...
First of all Happy Belated Birthday to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
skylee (how are you doing?) and missy7280. Hope you both had fabulous days!
~~~~
Yesterday,flake_sake said that she couldn't help feeling bad for Ianto in my fic. This is however entirely unnecessary, as this little snippet demonstrates. (Spoilers for 'Breaking Dawn' I suppose. No spoilers for TW, unless you don't know who Capt. John is...) Just over 400 words. (part 1 and part 2.) [I promise to get back to my WIP now. Honest.]
Oh no, not you!
[Torchwood Cardiff, the Tourist Office. Ianto is sitting at the counter, reading a magazine, when the door opens to reveal the other rogue ex-Time Agent.]
Captain John (all swagger, innuendo and casual threats yadda yadda): “Eyecandy! How’re you doing?”
Ianto (glances up placidly): “Oh look, it’s the psychopath. You know, you might just want to turn around and walk back out - there’s nothing for you here."
John (drolly lifts eyebrow): “Is that so?”
[Ianto holds up his left hand showing off his wedding ring.]
Ianto (smiling a tiny, but *triumphant* smile): “He’s my wife now!”
John (stunned): “No. Fucking. Way!”
Ianto (pleasantly): “Oh very much way. It was a lovely little ceremony - we would have invited you, but a) We didn’t know how to get hold of you, and b) We didn’t want half the guests killed or sexually assaulted.”
John (eyes narrowing): “I don’t buy it - I know Jack, and he is not now, never has been, and never will be the committing type.”
Ianto (very lightly): “Things change. He got knocked up by a vampire and decided that he needed some stability in his life - you know, someone to take care of things while he minded the baby.”
[John views him with ‘bullshit’ written all over his face. Ianto smiles, and gets up to open the door.]
Ianto: “Go find him yourself - he’s down in the shooting range, teaching the kid how to handle firearms.”
John (very slowly and not a little dangerously): “So - in the half year that’s passed since I was here last, Jack got impregnated by a vampire-”
Ianto (interrupts politely): “A sparkly vampire!”
John (continues as before, if a little more incredulous): “-got impregnated by a sparkly vampire, had a baby, married you and is now teaching said kid to shoot... (he tilts his head) You are a very funny man, Ianto Jones.”
Ianto (completely straight faced): “Thank you, that’s nice to hear. So far Reader’s Digest does not share your opinion.”
[John has no clue what Ianto is on about, and takes a step towards the door. Ianto stops him with a hand on his arm.]
Ianto (suddenly deadly serious): “Just one thing. If you so much as look at the boy wrong, I’ll personally bleed you dry and feed you to him for breakfast, understood? (steps back, smiling) Enjoy your stay.”
[John opens his mouth, shuts it again and, after a long, uncertain look at Ianto, walks through the roll-door. Ianto picks up his magazine and settles down to read again, whistling softly to himself.]
~~the end~~
Author’s Notes:
1) The ‘He’s my wife now’, is of course a shout-out to the Jack/John ‘You were the wife’/’No, you were the wife’ argument in the bar. However, Ianto is also (much to his own amusement) referencing this clip from The League of Gentlemen. ETA: This is an *utterly* surreal and freaky show. There is no way that Ianto does not know and love it!
2) The Ianto of this story regularly sends Reader’s Digest a selection of Jack filthiest (and funniest) stories. He keeps all their polite and awkward rejection letters in a special folder, and has a bet on with Gwen about how long it’ll be before they lose their patience and tell him to fuck off.
skylee (how are you doing?) and missy7280. Hope you both had fabulous days! ~~~~
Yesterday,
flake_sake said that she couldn't help feeling bad for Ianto in my fic. This is however entirely unnecessary, as this little snippet demonstrates. (Spoilers for 'Breaking Dawn' I suppose. No spoilers for TW, unless you don't know who Capt. John is...) Just over 400 words. (part 1 and part 2.) [I promise to get back to my WIP now. Honest.][Torchwood Cardiff, the Tourist Office. Ianto is sitting at the counter, reading a magazine, when the door opens to reveal the other rogue ex-Time Agent.]
Captain John (all swagger, innuendo and casual threats yadda yadda): “Eyecandy! How’re you doing?”
Ianto (glances up placidly): “Oh look, it’s the psychopath. You know, you might just want to turn around and walk back out - there’s nothing for you here."
John (drolly lifts eyebrow): “Is that so?”
[Ianto holds up his left hand showing off his wedding ring.]
Ianto (smiling a tiny, but *triumphant* smile): “He’s my wife now!”
John (stunned): “No. Fucking. Way!”
Ianto (pleasantly): “Oh very much way. It was a lovely little ceremony - we would have invited you, but a) We didn’t know how to get hold of you, and b) We didn’t want half the guests killed or sexually assaulted.”
John (eyes narrowing): “I don’t buy it - I know Jack, and he is not now, never has been, and never will be the committing type.”
Ianto (very lightly): “Things change. He got knocked up by a vampire and decided that he needed some stability in his life - you know, someone to take care of things while he minded the baby.”
[John views him with ‘bullshit’ written all over his face. Ianto smiles, and gets up to open the door.]
Ianto: “Go find him yourself - he’s down in the shooting range, teaching the kid how to handle firearms.”
John (very slowly and not a little dangerously): “So - in the half year that’s passed since I was here last, Jack got impregnated by a vampire-”
Ianto (interrupts politely): “A sparkly vampire!”
John (continues as before, if a little more incredulous): “-got impregnated by a sparkly vampire, had a baby, married you and is now teaching said kid to shoot... (he tilts his head) You are a very funny man, Ianto Jones.”
Ianto (completely straight faced): “Thank you, that’s nice to hear. So far Reader’s Digest does not share your opinion.”
[John has no clue what Ianto is on about, and takes a step towards the door. Ianto stops him with a hand on his arm.]
Ianto (suddenly deadly serious): “Just one thing. If you so much as look at the boy wrong, I’ll personally bleed you dry and feed you to him for breakfast, understood? (steps back, smiling) Enjoy your stay.”
[John opens his mouth, shuts it again and, after a long, uncertain look at Ianto, walks through the roll-door. Ianto picks up his magazine and settles down to read again, whistling softly to himself.]
Author’s Notes:
1) The ‘He’s my wife now’, is of course a shout-out to the Jack/John ‘You were the wife’/’No, you were the wife’ argument in the bar. However, Ianto is also (much to his own amusement) referencing this clip from The League of Gentlemen. ETA: This is an *utterly* surreal and freaky show. There is no way that Ianto does not know and love it!
2) The Ianto of this story regularly sends Reader’s Digest a selection of Jack filthiest (and funniest) stories. He keeps all their polite and awkward rejection letters in a special folder, and has a bet on with Gwen about how long it’ll be before they lose their patience and tell him to fuck off.
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Oooh, thank you! I hope you like them. :)
Can I just say that clip was very, very weird, and since I am not English. I don't really get it.
Well... the whole *show* is utterly surreal and bizarre and pretty much all the characters are freaks. So basically don't worry!
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Ianto (smiling a tiny, but *triumphant* smile): “He’s my wife now!”
I can so see that! I can imagine that it's a lot of work raising a sparkly half vampire. Go Ianto!
And I love the thought of Ianto sending in filthy filthy stories to Reader's Digest. It fits his sense of humor perfectly. Even in crackfic you have great characterization!
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Heh. The entire ficlet is based around that line - it was completely clear in my head. :)
And I love the thought of Ianto sending in filthy filthy stories to Reader's Digest. It fits his sense of humor perfectly. Even in crackfic you have great characterization!
Thank you! *g* This was one of those things that just sprung up as I wrote, and it amused me so much that I had to expand on it. And really, Ianto just writes himself. *loves her Welsh teaboy*
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If only he did! Then there wouldn't be so much bad Ianto out there. But you 'get' him - I find your Ianto voice to be spot on.
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*snerk* True.
But you 'get' him - I find your Ianto voice to be spot on.
*blushes* Maybe it's because I adore him so much? He just seems to live in my head. I still agonise over him though (when I'm not writing crack!fic, that is).
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I *heart* you.
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And seriously - I had the BEST time writing this. Knowing that others enjoy it too is wonderful! :)
Thank you lots and lots for your comments! *smooches*
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I love the "he's my wife now" conversation. Hee! And I love Ianto sending Jack's stories off to Reader's Digest. That's just so random!
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My pleasure Ma'am. *curtsies*
I love the "he's my wife now" conversation. Hee!
I'm still not sure where that came from, but as soon as I'd thought of it I *had* to write it!
And I love Ianto sending Jack's stories off to Reader's Digest. That's just so random!
And it all came about because I needed Ianto to have some sort of comeback to John's 'You're a funny man'... funny how things evolve. :)
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You know, when you get back to writing normal stuff I'm really going to miss these...
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Thank you! :D
You know, when you get back to writing normal stuff I'm really going to miss these...
I'm missing them already, and beginning to wonder what Jack & Ianto's stag night was like... Crack!fic is so *easy*! But I do love my WIP, so I will have to curb my addiction. *nods firmly*
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Ianto being all smug about Jack being his wife now is absolutely priceless!
I wonder of Torchwood is going to realize next season that a sparkly vampire lovechild would be the perfect addition to cast.
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They're evil. EVIL I tells ya! *grumbles and goes back to neglected WIP which has awesome scene that I've been wanting to write for *months*!
Ianto being all smug about Jack being his wife now is absolutely priceless!
See? No need to feel sorry for him. I have a bit of a scene from their stagnight developing in my head, where they argue over who's the bride, and Ianto states that the one having the baby is *definitely* the bride, end of discussion. :)
I wonder of Torchwood is going to realize next season that a sparkly vampire lovechild would be the perfect addition to cast.
*crosses fingers* (It's Torchwood - anything is possible! Yay!)
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That's made of win! No way Jack can argue with that one!
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I'm sure it's hard to get a suit in maternity wear cuts, or in that case paternity wear :D
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Ianto will buy one and adapt it, since he knows about tailoring (and it'll be white!). :)
Evil, evil bunnies. They're amassing again...