Fic: Twilight/Torchwood crossover. Bella/Jack/Edward. PG-13.

[elisi]

DO NOT JUDGE ME! This just... came to me. Less than 500 words, un-beta'd, un-everything. But you *know* that Jack would go for it. Nothing but crack beneath the cut. Spoilers for 'Breaking Dawn' - no spoilers for TW.


Hello
It’s a cool summer's evening in Leicester Square, London. Tourists are milling around in the way they do. There is also a certain former Time Agent and current Torchwood Boss, who - having finished his London-mission early - is hanging out watching the tourists. Then he spots a particularly gorgeous couple...

Jack: Hel-lo! So, tell me, what are you two? See my clever wrist strap here informs me that you’re kinda cool and marble-like and without heart beats, so are you aliens - possibly with some mutated version of Petrifold Regression, or - I dunno - vampires?

Edward (coldly and taken aback): Vampires. I am Edward Cullen and this is my wife Bella. Who are you?

Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing in London?

Bella: We decided to come here for our 2nd honeymoon while our 4 year old daughter is arranging her wedding to my best friend whom I almost married myself.

Jack: O...kay. That is creepy as hell. But I’m an open-minded kinda guy and you two are quite the prettiest creatures I’ve seen in a long while. Also I’ve never slept with vampires, so what do you say that we get ourselves a hotel room and have some threesome fun before I have to skedaddle back to Cardiff tomorrow?

Edward (through clenched teeth): How dare you insinuate such foulness? No one shall touch my wife beside myself! (Even though I did offer to let her best friend boink her so she could have some puppies, but that’s beside the point.) I did not keep myself pure for a century, waiting for her, just to have some random human insult us like this!

Jack (boggles): You didn’t have sex for a hundred years? Voluntarily?

Edward: There was no one tempting enough until I met my wondrous Bella. And whilst your scent is intriguing - it is quite frankly impossible for us to be intimate with you, human. We are much too strong and would probably kill you.

Jack (smirks, lifts eyebrow): Try me! I’m immortal and... very experienced in every way imaginable. What do you say?

Bella (beginning to be intrigued, and thinking that Jack is rather pretty): But you don’t sparkle.

Jack: Honey - I don’t need to sparkle! ... Wait - you sparkle?

[A little later, in Torchwood Cardiff.]

Ianto (on the phone): Just let me get this straight Jack - you called to ask if I would mind if you have group sex with sparkly vampires... [slowly drags hand across face] Well as long as you never ever mention it again, understood? And you have to take a drug test as soon as you come back!

Jack (delighted): You're the best boyfriend ever!

Ianto (sighs deeply): Please do not use that word. Goodbye. [puts phone down, thinks for a moment] Gwen - fancy going out? I think I need to get very, very drunk tonight.

PART 2!

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/peasant_/]

Hee!

[elisi]

That was quick! :)

[adriana-is.livejournal.com]

LOL!! Poor Ianto!

[elisi]

Poor Ianto indeed. But then he's a brave soul - as anyone would have to be to take on Jack!

[skipthedemon.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. Brilliant, hilarious, crack.

What it the *deal* with the sparkling?

[elisi]

Thank you! :)

What it the *deal* with the sparkling?
It's just really, really pretty! (The author *actually* uses the words 'rainbow sparkles' several times. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not!)

Also your icon is perfect!

[skipthedemon.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

But why do they sparkle? How? :is confused:

[elisi]

They just do. (They're kinda marble/stone like, and in sunshine they SPARKLE, which is why they never go out during the day. Please do not attempt to use logic or common sense or try to compare it to normal vampire lore. She did zero research and just wanted them to be PRETTY as far as I can tell.)

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

"snorfle"

[elisi]

:)

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Perfect Ianto.

Jack will bang anything.

I hope he bangs Edward so hard that Bella goes blank.

[elisi]

Perfect Ianto.
Thank you. :)

I hope he bangs Edward so hard that Bella goes blank.
She rather has a habit of doing that, doesn't she? And Jack would totally be up for trying out sparkly vampires!

[missy7280.livejournal.com]

HAHA OH GOD THAT WAS ~*PERFECT*~.

This belongs on the anti-Twilight community. It's such amazing crack.

[elisi]

HAHA OH GOD THAT WAS ~*PERFECT*~.
Two wrongs *can* make a right!

This belongs on the anti-Twilight community. It's such amazing crack.
That's a good idea. Will x-post once I have a spare moment.

[wisemack.livejournal.com]

*snicker* That was just.... shiny sparkly!

And bonus points for "skedaddle"! LOL!

[elisi]

*snicker* That was just.... shiny sparkly!
If only I could have worked in rainbow sparkles... ;)

And bonus points for "skedaddle"! LOL!
'Skedaddle' needs to be used more - I love that word.

[chloris67.livejournal.com]

I love it! Jack would *so* want have sex with them. How could he resist sparkling? Good for him to ask Ianto first!

[elisi]

I love it! Jack would *so* want have sex with them. How could he resist sparkling?
Exactly - it was actually someone commenting on Stoney's LJ and talking about 'sparkly buttsecks' that first made me think of Jack! :)

Good for him to ask Ianto first!
He is really trying to abide by 'normal' relationship rules... except that he is Jack. Heh.

[powerofthebook.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is so awesome and so had to be written!

I fear to ask what Jack smells like - I have some idea, but I fear putting it into words...

[zanthinegirl.livejournal.com]

Axe body spray. I'm just sayin'.

[elisi]

Oh, this is so awesome and so had to be written!
My exactly thoughts when the idea first occurred to me. :)

I fear to ask what Jack smells like - I have some idea, but I fear putting it into words...
You know the whole smell thing is one of the weirdest things in those books. Although we know that Jack has '51st century pheromones', so I'm thinking the smell might just be what tips our VERY DEVOTED vampire couple into threesome mode...

[deird1]

Hee! Very fun!

[elisi]

My pleasure! :)

[timeofchange.livejournal.com]

Snorfle.

[elisi]

Yup, that's the response I was after! *g*

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha. I'm sure there is going to come a vampire/immortal lovechild from this. It can mary the pterodactylus when it's two.

[elisi]

[A few weeks after the events of above story]

Jack (nervously): Ianto... you know when you told me never, ever to talk about the sparkly vampires?

Ianto (goes very, very still): ...Yes?

Jack: I-I think they made me pregnant.

Ianto: *headdesk*

[(Anonymous)]

Get Rhys and the chainsaw!

*dies*

[elisi]

Get Rhys and the chainsaw!
Bwah!

(And there might be more...)

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

hahahahaha! You're brilliant!

[elisi]

It's YOUR FAULT! ;)

[zanthinegirl.livejournal.com]

Oh dude-- you went there! Bwaa-haa-haa!

[elisi]

Well nobody *else* had gone there, and someone had to...

[adoxerella.livejournal.com]

Hee! Although a part of me thought "What about Dru and Darla?" When Jack said he hadn't slept with vampires. See what you have done to my brain.

Also: Jack (boggles): You didn’t have sex for a hundred years? Voluntarily?
*GiggleSnort* So very Jack.

[elisi]

See what you have done to my brain.
::is very proud:: (And I thought the same thing when I wrote it...)

*GiggleSnort* So very Jack.
I just *had* to bring that in! :)

[ellid.livejournal.com]

Here from stoney321's LJ -

BEST. CROSSOVER. EVER.

[elisi]

Hi - and welcome. :)

BEST. CROSSOVER. EVER.
*beams* (And I wrote a tiny extra snippet here. Crack is much, MUCH too addictive!)

[elisi]

PS. That tiny little extra snippet spawned a whole sequel. How *does* Jack cope with a death!baby?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_tallian_/]

Sent here by diachrony, and now I can't stop laughing. I must read further. Will there be sparklepeen? I must know!!!

[elisi]

and now I can't stop laughing.
Yay!

I must read further. Will there be sparklepeen? I must know!!!
My mouth is sealed! ;)