![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Because Cavemen Have Fire. Chapter 3.
Chapter 3 for your enjoyment! I hope... I feel like I ought to attach some sort of apology or warning to this chapter, but I honestly don't know how to formulate it. Just... saddle up, OK? Having a bit more overview of how the story is unfolding, I'm now fairly confident that there will be 2 (or 3, depending on whether I have to divide chapter 4 in two) chapters more - and I swear I'm writing as fast as I can!
As usual much gratitude to my fabulous beta![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kathyh!
Previous chapters here for those who want to catch up!
And feedback would be really, really wonderful!!!!
Chapter 3
Buffy was somewhere under the sea. She wasn’t sure how she had ended up there, but it was fun - she’d been swimming with mermaids and done all sorts of cool underwater back flips. Now she was sitting on a pretty rock, talking to a Sidekick Bird from a Disney movie (Lion King? She couldn’t remember), wondering how come it wasn’t drowning. To her left she noticed a big flower field, which really was on the bizarre side, given that they were under water... but then Spongebob had a beach, so what did she know? Suddenly through the fishy shoals she saw two figures hop-skipping through the daisies, holding hands. A moment later she saw that it was Spike and Angel, grinning and smiling. As they got nearer, Angel held up his hand where a large ring twinkled and announced: “Spike and I are getting married!”
Buffy frowned. There was something very familiar, and yet very wrong with this, but she couldn’t work out what it was. Then for no reason she could fathom Angel suddenly asked Spike to shut up... and before she knew what was happening she was drifting away - up from the ocean floor, through blue and green and warm softness, half-annoyed that now she would never find out who that bird was...
Slowly she opened her eyes, wondering where she was. Some part of her brain told her that the sea-thing had been a dream, but if this was still part of the dream or not she wasn’t sure. She didn’t recognise her new surroundings at all. The place was empty and glowing with a soft golden light - the only thing she could see... them.
And they were kissing.
Oh God.
Buffy felt her world fall apart and be remade, as she lay immobilised on the spot. They were so beautiful... their bodies taut perfection, muscles rippling under softly glowing white skin, dark head, white head, hands that she knew so intimately holding each other, lips and tongues and bodies moving together...
Oh God.
She had pulled back from the thought of the two of them instinctively, partly from a vague sense of betrayal, and partly because the whole gay sex thing was, well... icky. Of course she and Spike had done all sorts of things, but she still felt a little dirty thinking about it, wondering what was wrong with her. But now, seeing the two of them together like this, her sleepy mind bypassed all her issues and went straight to a far more primitive part of her: Vampires pretty. Buffy want.
She had never told anyone, but there were times when she had wondered if Slayers had been made not only to kill vampires, but to do other things as well... She thought that Faith would probably understand. Angel had sensed it, and tried to pull away; Dracula spelled it out; and Spike happily used it against her. And now, caught in this moment that was probably just a dream, she felt that surely it was true. That she was bonded to these creatures of the night in more than just death and that she was created to dance a very different sort of dance with them. That life and death and blood and sex really were all the same thing...
Then they pulled apart, and she was surprised at the acute sense of disappointment that suddenly filled her.
“Please... don’t stop...” she whispered, not knowing if her words would actually carry in this place.
And then the scene shattered.
Their heads snapped around, their faces bearing identical looks of shock.
As though in slow motion Buffy’s head began to join the dots and make sense of what had happened. First: She was actually awake. Second: She was in the abandoned house where she’d found Spike and Angel. Third: She’d just witnessed them kissing - and asked them to keep on!
She blinked and sat up, desperately trying to think of something to say. They were still staring at her, arms around each other, as though frozen in space. The primitive part of her brain noticed that one of Angel’s hands was tangled up in Spike’s hair, the same way hers used to...
She felt the bed sway under her, no idea what to do.
Angel found his voice first, as he slowly let go of Spike. “Buffy?”
Then Spike pulled him back in, looking from one to the other. “No... don’t let go. She likes it!” Slowly a smile crept over his features, a wicked roguish smile that she remembered far too well.
“You see Angel... vampires make her hot! Well at least these two particular vampires... Don’t they?”
She nodded, mutely, and swallowed, not trusting her voice anymore.
Angel’s face was full of uncertainty and the familiar, hopeless longing that had been their companion ever since he came back from hell, obviously unable to decide how to respond. But Spike was grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning who had been given every toy he had ever wanted. Never taking his eyes off Buffy’s face, he slowly took hold of one of Angel’s hands and experimentally sucked a finger.
Buffy grabbed hold of the blanket, mouth gone dry. How come he could still reduce her to a puddle just with a look or a gesture? It wasn’t fair. It had been so long since Spike had used his sensuality to pull her in that she’d almost forgotten just how... irresistible he could make himself. Looking at Angel she could see that he was also caught in that undefined territory between lust and confusion, and seeing him thus enthralled was - apart from being very, very hot - somehow reassuring. She wasn’t the only one to be mostly helpless against Spike’s charms.
“Now this... is the opportunity of a lifetime!” Spike said, happily. “I know it’s a cliché, but who’s up for a threesome?”
Buffy’s mouth fell open. “That’s not even funny,” she snapped. She remembered this too - Spike being an idiot.
Spike looked back at her. “I wasn’t joking!” he replied.
“But...” she shook her head, wondering which of a million reasons to pick. Maybe she should just go with the obvious. “You know we can’t!” She motioned from herself to Angel, but Spike looked at her as though he had no clue what she was talking about.
“Course you can!” he said.
“But... the curse!” The fact that she couldn’t be with Angel was one of the most fundamental cornerstones in her life. She sometimes wondered what would have happened if things had been different - would their love have been as intense and all-consuming if they’d been allowed to well... consume it? Was the fact that the other was always out of reach what made their feelings so intense? Would they have stayed together or broken up? She was no longer 17, and life had become so much more complicated since then. She knew that love alone couldn’t make a relationship work... and she wasn’t even sure who Angel was anymore. To a great degree it was a stranger wearing those familiar and beloved features. If she could have him now... did she even want him?
“Curse, shmurse,” Spike said and shrugged, finally letting go of Angel. “He’s not going to lose his soul any more than I am. Let’s just say that the goalposts for ‘Perfect Happiness’ got moved from you and to... infinity.”
She blinked. “Splainy?”
Spike sighed, the happiness vanishing from his features as swiftly as it had arrived. He looked at Angel.
“Go on - tell her.”
Angel’s head snapped round, the look on his face one that Buffy didn’t like at all. Before he had a chance to speak, Spike continued. “Tell her the truth - like you should have done from the beginning!”
She frowned. The truth? What was this?
Looking from face to face she could feel the temperature plummet. Angel looked furious, the hands that had so recently been used for caresses balling up into tight fists. But his voice was low and calm when he spoke.
“Spike - we talked about this. Stop this now!”
“No.”
Oh she knew that look. Spike had made up his mind and nothing was going to change it. He was slowly backing away from Angel now, one careful step at a time.
“Spike...”
Buffy shivered. How could Angel pack so much cold anger into one name?
“I am trying to help you, you git!” Spike’s was temper was showing now, too.
What was happening? What was it that Angel hadn’t told her? And how terrible could it be, that Angel was taking such great pains to keep it from her?
“Help me? That’s funny. Feels more like you’re trying to stab me in the back from over here! I thought... I could trust you! Shows what a fool I am, I guess.”
Such controlled fury in Angel’s voice... Thin line between love and hatred indeed. They were circling each other, and she wanted to yell at them to stop - to just leave it, whatever it was. Except that was never going to work, was it?
“Dammit Angel!” Spike’s eyes were flashing now, exasperated. “Why do you have to make it so fuckin’ hard to love you?”
Buffy was taken aback by this, and so was Angel obviously. But Spike wasn’t finished:
“Either you tell her - or I will!”
Angel’s face segued from anger into something akin to alarm and terror.
“Spike... I’m warning you...”
After one last look at Angel, Spike turned to Buffy.
“He has a son-”
He got no further before Angel’s fist sent him flying across the room, crashing against the wall.
Buffy stifled a cry and turned towards Angel, shocked in more ways than one.
“Buffy...” he said, helplessly.
“Why... how... A son?” she stared at him, more unsure than ever.
There came a short sharp laugh from Spike. He was wiping the blood off his face, painfully pulling himself up to a sitting position against the wall.
“A human son - heartbeat and everything. Nice lookin’ kid too. Has his mother’s eyes...”
Buffy looked from one to the other, speechless. How could this be?
“Angel?” Slowly she got off the bed and walked towards him. The anger had left his face now, leaving only fear, and he tried to back away from her. Why?
“Tell me,” she said gently, and he shook his head.
“I can’t... Buffy. You don’t understand. It’s all my fault!”
This made no sense and she looked over her shoulder at Spike. He sighed, and slowly stood up.
“Angel. Tell her.” Spike sent her a look full of unspoken messages, and she wasn’t quite sure what he meant. But she took hold of Angel’s hand and led him over to the bed. She hadn’t realised that his leg was hurt, but he was limping as he walked. He sat down carefully, precisely, like every move was an effort - she forgot sometimes how much his past weighed on him. Sitting herself down across from him, his hand still in hers, she waited for him to begin.
“It... all started when I slept with Darla, trying to lose my soul...”
This time round the story came out slowly and haltingly. The calm exterior he had been wearing previously came apart, and she could almost see him unravelling in front of her. So much pain behind his eyes; in every word. How had he lived through it all? Eventually he came to the point when he’d done his deal with W&H, and finally she understood. She almost smiled with relief, because he was still her Angel, was still the same man she’d fallen in love with - willing to sacrifice everything for the one he loved. Older - so much older - and grimmer. But still her Angel. And she knew far too well what it was like choosing between two impossible fates.
He was looking at her now with despair in his eyes, searching her face for something - she didn’t know what.
“I saved my boy, but I doomed us all... Buffy... they all died because of me!”
And in her head she could still hear her conversation with Giles from years ago...
“If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn.”
“Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her.”
She’d found a way out - Angel hadn’t.
“Angel...” she stroked his face softly. “I understand.”
Oh she understood. She herself, her friends, Spike... Choices made that could never be undone, and consequences you had to live with every day.
“It’s OK... Angel, we’ve all done things that can’t be changed.”
“No - Buffy - you don’t understand!” He grabbed hold of her, hard enough to bruise. His face was tear-streaked now, and it was as though he was shattering completely, breaking right in front of her.
“I wouldn’t change it! I’d do it all again!” He started crying, burying his face in her chest.
“Oh God. I killed them all, but I wouldn’t change it!”
And she wrapped her arms around him, as he cried out his grief and guilt. Finally she understood what Spike had been trying to do - because he knew that she had been there too.
“But I knew ... what was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point.”
Just like her, Angel had clung to Spike when the world was a hopeless void. But Spike had known that it wasn’t him who could get Angel to release his pain. For some reason it had to be her - not that she could forgive him, but maybe she could help him forgive himself... Did he still see her as the epitome of beautiful innocence? Was this why he had so feared this revelation? Quite possibly, but for now it didn’t matter.
All she knew was that she wanted to make it better, wanted to help him somehow. She looked up and saw Spike leaning with his hands against the headboard of the bed, watching them. He smiled a little when he saw her, and softly said, “Go on.”
For a moment she didn’t understand what he meant, and then it hit her. The intensity of feeling took her by surprise - seven years worth of self-denial and suppression being swept away in a moment. Then she lifted up Angel’s face and kissed him, like she hadn’t done since their one and only night together. But she was no longer a little girl, unsure and tentative, waiting for him to lead. She knew exactly how to show him what she felt, how to give him what he needed.
He whispered her name, as though it were a prayer, and she could feel him letting himself go and surrender, swept away in passion once more. What was it about her and abandoned houses and sex with vampires? Although this time it really was vampires, plural...
There were kisses and caresses, lust and love and rapture; and sometimes it was Angel, and sometimes it was Spike, and she felt like laughing because finally - finally - she was touching the fire again.
It had always been about the fire, even though she knew that it was dangerous - but now she was holding it in her hands, and no one was dying, no one in danger. It was right there, dancing within her, without burning or consuming, and although blinding, she didn’t pull away.
Chapter 4.
As usual much gratitude to my fabulous beta
kathyh!Previous chapters here for those who want to catch up!
And feedback would be really, really wonderful!!!!
Buffy was somewhere under the sea. She wasn’t sure how she had ended up there, but it was fun - she’d been swimming with mermaids and done all sorts of cool underwater back flips. Now she was sitting on a pretty rock, talking to a Sidekick Bird from a Disney movie (Lion King? She couldn’t remember), wondering how come it wasn’t drowning. To her left she noticed a big flower field, which really was on the bizarre side, given that they were under water... but then Spongebob had a beach, so what did she know? Suddenly through the fishy shoals she saw two figures hop-skipping through the daisies, holding hands. A moment later she saw that it was Spike and Angel, grinning and smiling. As they got nearer, Angel held up his hand where a large ring twinkled and announced: “Spike and I are getting married!”
Buffy frowned. There was something very familiar, and yet very wrong with this, but she couldn’t work out what it was. Then for no reason she could fathom Angel suddenly asked Spike to shut up... and before she knew what was happening she was drifting away - up from the ocean floor, through blue and green and warm softness, half-annoyed that now she would never find out who that bird was...
Slowly she opened her eyes, wondering where she was. Some part of her brain told her that the sea-thing had been a dream, but if this was still part of the dream or not she wasn’t sure. She didn’t recognise her new surroundings at all. The place was empty and glowing with a soft golden light - the only thing she could see... them.
And they were kissing.
Oh God.
Buffy felt her world fall apart and be remade, as she lay immobilised on the spot. They were so beautiful... their bodies taut perfection, muscles rippling under softly glowing white skin, dark head, white head, hands that she knew so intimately holding each other, lips and tongues and bodies moving together...
Oh God.
She had pulled back from the thought of the two of them instinctively, partly from a vague sense of betrayal, and partly because the whole gay sex thing was, well... icky. Of course she and Spike had done all sorts of things, but she still felt a little dirty thinking about it, wondering what was wrong with her. But now, seeing the two of them together like this, her sleepy mind bypassed all her issues and went straight to a far more primitive part of her: Vampires pretty. Buffy want.
She had never told anyone, but there were times when she had wondered if Slayers had been made not only to kill vampires, but to do other things as well... She thought that Faith would probably understand. Angel had sensed it, and tried to pull away; Dracula spelled it out; and Spike happily used it against her. And now, caught in this moment that was probably just a dream, she felt that surely it was true. That she was bonded to these creatures of the night in more than just death and that she was created to dance a very different sort of dance with them. That life and death and blood and sex really were all the same thing...
Then they pulled apart, and she was surprised at the acute sense of disappointment that suddenly filled her.
“Please... don’t stop...” she whispered, not knowing if her words would actually carry in this place.
And then the scene shattered.
Their heads snapped around, their faces bearing identical looks of shock.
As though in slow motion Buffy’s head began to join the dots and make sense of what had happened. First: She was actually awake. Second: She was in the abandoned house where she’d found Spike and Angel. Third: She’d just witnessed them kissing - and asked them to keep on!
She blinked and sat up, desperately trying to think of something to say. They were still staring at her, arms around each other, as though frozen in space. The primitive part of her brain noticed that one of Angel’s hands was tangled up in Spike’s hair, the same way hers used to...
She felt the bed sway under her, no idea what to do.
Angel found his voice first, as he slowly let go of Spike. “Buffy?”
Then Spike pulled him back in, looking from one to the other. “No... don’t let go. She likes it!” Slowly a smile crept over his features, a wicked roguish smile that she remembered far too well.
“You see Angel... vampires make her hot! Well at least these two particular vampires... Don’t they?”
She nodded, mutely, and swallowed, not trusting her voice anymore.
Angel’s face was full of uncertainty and the familiar, hopeless longing that had been their companion ever since he came back from hell, obviously unable to decide how to respond. But Spike was grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning who had been given every toy he had ever wanted. Never taking his eyes off Buffy’s face, he slowly took hold of one of Angel’s hands and experimentally sucked a finger.
Buffy grabbed hold of the blanket, mouth gone dry. How come he could still reduce her to a puddle just with a look or a gesture? It wasn’t fair. It had been so long since Spike had used his sensuality to pull her in that she’d almost forgotten just how... irresistible he could make himself. Looking at Angel she could see that he was also caught in that undefined territory between lust and confusion, and seeing him thus enthralled was - apart from being very, very hot - somehow reassuring. She wasn’t the only one to be mostly helpless against Spike’s charms.
“Now this... is the opportunity of a lifetime!” Spike said, happily. “I know it’s a cliché, but who’s up for a threesome?”
Buffy’s mouth fell open. “That’s not even funny,” she snapped. She remembered this too - Spike being an idiot.
Spike looked back at her. “I wasn’t joking!” he replied.
“But...” she shook her head, wondering which of a million reasons to pick. Maybe she should just go with the obvious. “You know we can’t!” She motioned from herself to Angel, but Spike looked at her as though he had no clue what she was talking about.
“Course you can!” he said.
“But... the curse!” The fact that she couldn’t be with Angel was one of the most fundamental cornerstones in her life. She sometimes wondered what would have happened if things had been different - would their love have been as intense and all-consuming if they’d been allowed to well... consume it? Was the fact that the other was always out of reach what made their feelings so intense? Would they have stayed together or broken up? She was no longer 17, and life had become so much more complicated since then. She knew that love alone couldn’t make a relationship work... and she wasn’t even sure who Angel was anymore. To a great degree it was a stranger wearing those familiar and beloved features. If she could have him now... did she even want him?
“Curse, shmurse,” Spike said and shrugged, finally letting go of Angel. “He’s not going to lose his soul any more than I am. Let’s just say that the goalposts for ‘Perfect Happiness’ got moved from you and to... infinity.”
She blinked. “Splainy?”
Spike sighed, the happiness vanishing from his features as swiftly as it had arrived. He looked at Angel.
“Go on - tell her.”
Angel’s head snapped round, the look on his face one that Buffy didn’t like at all. Before he had a chance to speak, Spike continued. “Tell her the truth - like you should have done from the beginning!”
She frowned. The truth? What was this?
Looking from face to face she could feel the temperature plummet. Angel looked furious, the hands that had so recently been used for caresses balling up into tight fists. But his voice was low and calm when he spoke.
“Spike - we talked about this. Stop this now!”
“No.”
Oh she knew that look. Spike had made up his mind and nothing was going to change it. He was slowly backing away from Angel now, one careful step at a time.
“Spike...”
Buffy shivered. How could Angel pack so much cold anger into one name?
“I am trying to help you, you git!” Spike’s was temper was showing now, too.
What was happening? What was it that Angel hadn’t told her? And how terrible could it be, that Angel was taking such great pains to keep it from her?
“Help me? That’s funny. Feels more like you’re trying to stab me in the back from over here! I thought... I could trust you! Shows what a fool I am, I guess.”
Such controlled fury in Angel’s voice... Thin line between love and hatred indeed. They were circling each other, and she wanted to yell at them to stop - to just leave it, whatever it was. Except that was never going to work, was it?
“Dammit Angel!” Spike’s eyes were flashing now, exasperated. “Why do you have to make it so fuckin’ hard to love you?”
Buffy was taken aback by this, and so was Angel obviously. But Spike wasn’t finished:
“Either you tell her - or I will!”
Angel’s face segued from anger into something akin to alarm and terror.
“Spike... I’m warning you...”
After one last look at Angel, Spike turned to Buffy.
“He has a son-”
He got no further before Angel’s fist sent him flying across the room, crashing against the wall.
Buffy stifled a cry and turned towards Angel, shocked in more ways than one.
“Buffy...” he said, helplessly.
“Why... how... A son?” she stared at him, more unsure than ever.
There came a short sharp laugh from Spike. He was wiping the blood off his face, painfully pulling himself up to a sitting position against the wall.
“A human son - heartbeat and everything. Nice lookin’ kid too. Has his mother’s eyes...”
Buffy looked from one to the other, speechless. How could this be?
“Angel?” Slowly she got off the bed and walked towards him. The anger had left his face now, leaving only fear, and he tried to back away from her. Why?
“Tell me,” she said gently, and he shook his head.
“I can’t... Buffy. You don’t understand. It’s all my fault!”
This made no sense and she looked over her shoulder at Spike. He sighed, and slowly stood up.
“Angel. Tell her.” Spike sent her a look full of unspoken messages, and she wasn’t quite sure what he meant. But she took hold of Angel’s hand and led him over to the bed. She hadn’t realised that his leg was hurt, but he was limping as he walked. He sat down carefully, precisely, like every move was an effort - she forgot sometimes how much his past weighed on him. Sitting herself down across from him, his hand still in hers, she waited for him to begin.
“It... all started when I slept with Darla, trying to lose my soul...”
This time round the story came out slowly and haltingly. The calm exterior he had been wearing previously came apart, and she could almost see him unravelling in front of her. So much pain behind his eyes; in every word. How had he lived through it all? Eventually he came to the point when he’d done his deal with W&H, and finally she understood. She almost smiled with relief, because he was still her Angel, was still the same man she’d fallen in love with - willing to sacrifice everything for the one he loved. Older - so much older - and grimmer. But still her Angel. And she knew far too well what it was like choosing between two impossible fates.
He was looking at her now with despair in his eyes, searching her face for something - she didn’t know what.
“I saved my boy, but I doomed us all... Buffy... they all died because of me!”
And in her head she could still hear her conversation with Giles from years ago...
“If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn.”
“Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her.”
She’d found a way out - Angel hadn’t.
“Angel...” she stroked his face softly. “I understand.”
Oh she understood. She herself, her friends, Spike... Choices made that could never be undone, and consequences you had to live with every day.
“It’s OK... Angel, we’ve all done things that can’t be changed.”
“No - Buffy - you don’t understand!” He grabbed hold of her, hard enough to bruise. His face was tear-streaked now, and it was as though he was shattering completely, breaking right in front of her.
“I wouldn’t change it! I’d do it all again!” He started crying, burying his face in her chest.
“Oh God. I killed them all, but I wouldn’t change it!”
And she wrapped her arms around him, as he cried out his grief and guilt. Finally she understood what Spike had been trying to do - because he knew that she had been there too.
“But I knew ... what was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point.”
Just like her, Angel had clung to Spike when the world was a hopeless void. But Spike had known that it wasn’t him who could get Angel to release his pain. For some reason it had to be her - not that she could forgive him, but maybe she could help him forgive himself... Did he still see her as the epitome of beautiful innocence? Was this why he had so feared this revelation? Quite possibly, but for now it didn’t matter.
All she knew was that she wanted to make it better, wanted to help him somehow. She looked up and saw Spike leaning with his hands against the headboard of the bed, watching them. He smiled a little when he saw her, and softly said, “Go on.”
For a moment she didn’t understand what he meant, and then it hit her. The intensity of feeling took her by surprise - seven years worth of self-denial and suppression being swept away in a moment. Then she lifted up Angel’s face and kissed him, like she hadn’t done since their one and only night together. But she was no longer a little girl, unsure and tentative, waiting for him to lead. She knew exactly how to show him what she felt, how to give him what he needed.
He whispered her name, as though it were a prayer, and she could feel him letting himself go and surrender, swept away in passion once more. What was it about her and abandoned houses and sex with vampires? Although this time it really was vampires, plural...
There were kisses and caresses, lust and love and rapture; and sometimes it was Angel, and sometimes it was Spike, and she felt like laughing because finally - finally - she was touching the fire again.
It had always been about the fire, even though she knew that it was dangerous - but now she was holding it in her hands, and no one was dying, no one in danger. It was right there, dancing within her, without burning or consuming, and although blinding, she didn’t pull away.
Chapter 4.
Re: Because Cavemen Have Fire. Chapter 3.
Spike is the magical ingredient that makes it all work!!! :)