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Why did Spike not go to Buffy? (again)
You know, for the longest time I intended to write a follow-up post to my initial thoughts (since they were mostly ranty and not very well thought through), but in all honesty I can't be bothered.
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molly_may, swsa, jamalov29 and all the rest of you who felt all betrayed for Spuffy, what I'll do instead is to direct you to a ficlet I wrote a good while ago: Self Reflections. It's set just after the fade-to-black in 'Harm's Way' and is me trying to get inside Spike's head. I think you should like it, even if it's rather downbeat. (And yes of course self-pimping is bad form and all that, but sometimes fic can just tackle issues far better than meta.)
(This post brought to you by my boredom and avoidance of housework...)
So
molly_may, swsa, jamalov29 and all the rest of you who felt all betrayed for Spuffy, what I'll do instead is to direct you to a ficlet I wrote a good while ago: Self Reflections. It's set just after the fade-to-black in 'Harm's Way' and is me trying to get inside Spike's head. I think you should like it, even if it's rather downbeat. (And yes of course self-pimping is bad form and all that, but sometimes fic can just tackle issues far better than meta.)(This post brought to you by my boredom and avoidance of housework...)
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I will read your ficlet later in the day and will come back.
Thanks, Elisabeth!
-I love madly your icon.
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Indeed. Which is one reason I write so much of it! :)
Looking forward to what you think. And the icon is by
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Really? *is very flattered* Thank you!
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Thank you. :)
Your Spike is not "My Spike".
Now that I can't do anything about! *g* The main problem of course being the AtS writers who came up with Spike's reasons in the first place (no I never thought it was the most brilliant of resolutions...). But, there is another side to it, one that I explored in 'Maybe Someday'. Doing a bit of cutting and pasting from Chapter 5, where Spike and Buffy have their big talk after meeting again post-NFA:
Buffy: “I just never thought that you’d be the one to start lecturing me on what my life should be like! Maybe I don’t want children all that much... maybe - maybe I want you more!”
Spike looked so shell-shocked that she completely forgot what she was going to say next. He stared at her with eyes that were as terrified as that night after she got the scythe - then he spoke again, cutting through her thoughts: “Do you really mean that?”
She was unable to answer... ‘Were you there with me?’ ‘I was.’ ‘What does that mean?’ She still didn’t know. There had been so little time and he hadn’t pushed the issue. But now...
Spike tilted his head and looked at her earnestly. “Could you see us have an actual future? A life? If I asked... would you marry me?”
She looked at him dumbfounded. “M...M...Marry?” she asked feebly and sat down on the bed again, not feeling certain that her legs could support her any more. “As in white dress and rings and a priest?”
“As in everything Buffy.” He stopped and frowned slightly. “See, this is the bit that I could never get to fit when I tried to think it through. Because I did - over and over again, back when I was a ghost walking around the empty corridors of Wolfram & Hart at night... could it ever have worked? We were off the scale of the dysfunction-o-meter, we hurt each other so much...” He swallowed. “If... if I could offer you a life - not just undying love, but an actual future - could you be with me forever? Could we work? Could we take all the crap and work through it?”
She just looked at him, unable to make her brain function. This was not at all what she had expected - this was bigger and more complicated than anything she had dealt with in a long, long time. She felt stranded far away from all familiar landmarks and had no idea what to say. She was no longer the young girl who had written ‘Buffy & Angel 4-ever!’ on her schoolbooks... forever had stopped being an option a long time ago.
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The only objection I would raise comes from the fact that , as much as I can believe that Spike might have been in this state of mind at that time , just when he gave up on the idea to take a plane to Rome , I can't and won't believe he remained in this mindset for long.
And there it is again - the joy and terror of being bathed, suffused, in sunlight after the darkness of more than a century. The feeling was incredible - everything inside aflame and more alive than ever. And he saw her - saw the love in her eyes, shining as brightly as the amulet on his chest. The love he had been seeking for so long, the prize that he had wanted more than any other. And he had to let it go. That imagery was beautiful and heart- breaking.
I loved many lines in the ficlet. Especially these :
He’d become her Champion - and now he can’t go back. I agree and I disagree. :)
But you know it.. since we discussed it a lot. Trying to find her again wouldn't diminish his glory -IMO
Buffy has been his chosen direction for so many years now, that the paths away from her have been obscured. Everywhere he looks there is darkness, overgrowth blocking his view. Oh this almost got me in tears. He can't have no particular goal than to figure out what it is to be a vampire with a soul. My Spike is a creature of love. And he loves Buffy , with all his heart and his soul.
In the way I see things , he would have made up his mind and decided to seek out Buffy. I don't see him accepting the situation and simply putting Buffy in the past . He achieved something extraordinary in the hellmouth , it's true and in my world he's willing to share this with the woman he loves.
In the deepest recess of your heart , do you believe he wouldn't try to go to her (later in the season)?
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Thank you! :)
The only objection I would raise comes from the fact that , as much as I can believe that Spike might have been in this state of mind at that time , just when he gave up on the idea to take a plane to Rome , I can't and won't believe he remained in this mindset for long.
Ah well, the fic obviously only concerns itself with a particular moment in time. As for later... well first there is Doyle/Lindsey who gives him a purpose. And after that there are only 2 episodes before Fred dies, which is of course the other major decision making moment. Angel offers to fund him leaving, and although he says that he doesn't have anywhere to go, it's quite possible that if he was driving around the world he'd end up meeting Buffy sooner or later. But - he chooses to join Angel's fight.
That imagery was beautiful and heart- breaking.
Aw, thank you. The whole fic is very heartbreaking.
But you know it.. since we discussed it a lot. Trying to find her again wouldn't diminish his glory -IMO
Well we can't help the fact that sometimes he's an idiot... ;)
In the way I see things , he would have made up his mind and decided to seek out Buffy. I don't see him accepting the situation and simply putting Buffy in the past . He achieved something extraordinary in the hellmouth , it's true and in my world he's willing to share this with the woman he loves.
Did you ever read my fic Play It Again, Sam? It's like a 'missing episode' set between TGiQ and Power Play, and Riley and Sam turn up in LA. This proves a catalyst for something else... it really is my best attempt at looking inside Spike's mindset re. Buffy that I've ever written I think.
And also... for me the story of Spike is *more* than just a lovestory... if Chosen really was the end of my golden couple I would be OK with that. Buffy and Angel proved that just because you love someone more than life itself doesn't mean that you're supposed to be together.