Entry tags:
Fic: Divided Destiny. Chapter 17
First chapter & notes here (on LJ), for DW just follow the tags, and Master post of whole 'verse here (also tagged on DW).
Can also be found on AO3.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: Teen. (Same warnings as the show basically.)
Characters: Spike, Angel, Illyria, Buffy, Scoobies + cameos from more or less everyone in the 'verse.
Main Ships: Spike/Buffy, Angel/Nina
Feedback: Is bloody ambrosia! (The secret ingredient is otter...)
Word count (this chapter): 3700 words approx.
Setting and Summary: As before. (Post-NFA epic quest thing.)
Beta: The ever wonderful![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kathyh
Chapter 17
January 2005
“OK guys, here’s the sitch.”
Buffy looked at the people sitting around the conference table, and had the strangest sensation of... well not déjà vu exactly, but something very similar. In less than a week she’d gathered together every Sunnydale veteran, and seeing them all together like this she felt a sudden, sharp stab of homesickness. This room - oak panelled and very proper as befitted the Headquarters of the Watcher’s Council - was somehow much too grand and official. She was used to small, friendly places for discussing the end of the world - the library, the Magic Box, her mom’s house...
Focus, Buffy, focus!
“We have almost a year to work out how to save the world. Again. Thankfully we were able to... retrieve Willow’s notes, since it seems she got a lot of work done out there in the desert.”
She managed to keep her voice mostly level, but a quick glance around the table revealed both Xander and Kennedy suddenly swallowing.
“So, we need to make sure that her - her sacrifice wasn’t in vain. Giles, Andrew, Dawn - I need all the best people we have to work on this. We need to find out what we’re dealing with if we want to have a fighting chance of winning. I need watch on all the remaining hellmouths, even though they don’t appear to be active at the moment. And finally we need to get all the slayers ready. We’ve had it easy until now-”
At this Faith cut her off. “Easy? Well speak for yourself and your comfy little dolce vita B, but nothing I’ve seen has been easy!”
Buffy tried not to flinch at the accusatory tone in the other’s voice. She knew that Faith had shouldered a lot of the harder matters. But she looked back evenly.
“We have not had a fight we couldn’t win. If the forerunner for this thing did away with Willow as easily as it apparently did, then we need to up our game a lot, and prepare all the new girls for what we might have to face. Try to put across to them what an apocalypse means. Last week I had Spike and Angel help me with my nine in Rome, but they’re gone again, so we need a plan...”
***
March 2005
Paris. Paris was a city for lovers, or so Buffy had been informed. Last time she’d been there, she’d still been in mourning... and this time her lover was goodness knew where. Still, she had work to do — she’d spent the day talking to the local slayers, and now needed something to eat. One of the girls had recommended a restaurant, although Buffy had a feeling she was hopelessly lost despite the straightforward directions. Funny how Paris wasn’t romantic and exotic, but just labyrinthine and foreign when it was a cold March day.
As she was trying to work out which way to go - and having almost decided to get a cab - her cellphone rang. Seeing the name that popped up on the screen, her heart was suddenly in her throat.
“Spike?” she asked and heard a low chuckle on the other end.
“Indeed. Where are you pet?”
She tried to explain where she was, and he obviously knew the town better than she. “Stay where you are love, I’ll find you,” he said, and she looked around expectantly. But five minutes later he still wasn’t there, and she retreated to the opening of an alley to get out of the wind that was beginning to make her shiver. She was wondering if she should give him a call when suddenly she felt a hand yanking at her arm. In a flash she’d drawn her stake and pinned the assailant against the wall, before realising that it was him... His eyes were sparkling in the darkness, as they drifted from the stake pressed against his chest and up to her face.
“Good to see you haven’t lost your touch pet,” he drawled, and then in a moment reversed their positions, cool hands sneaking under her top and then brushing a nipple as she gasped against his mouth.
“Only a flying visit love,” he murmured, nibbling down her neck, “and I happen to know this little place just round the corner... What do you say?”
His other hand grabbed her ass and pulled her flush against him, and she could only nod. All she wanted was him - his hands, his mouth, his body... and the secretive nature of the tryst made her shiver with anticipation. She remembered this - the delicious thrill of disappearing for a little while without anyone ever knowing.
And then she smiled, catching his eyes. “Who needs a room?”
A dirty low chuckle was the only answer she got, and then all thoughts fled as their urgent need took over.
When the world came back into focus she wasn’t sure she’d actually be able to walk. Spike however pulled out his cellphone, swore quietly, and explained that he had to run.
As he planted one last scorching kiss on her lips he whispered, “Might have some good news for you next time we meet...”
Half an hour later she was back at Slayer Central, having imbibed a burger and a coke before getting lost again and having to hail a taxi. Three Slayers were in the sitting room working on something as she came through the door. They all looked up, and one of them (dammit, what was her name?), spoke up:
“Did you find the restaurant, Miss Summers?” and she smiled back, a little dazed. “Found a restaurant, and am feeling much better now, thank you,” she replied, happy little butterflies still dancing around inside.
“Are you OK?” the girl asked, looking a little unsure. “You look a little... I mean you’ve torn your stockings...”
Buffy smiled a little. “Just ran into a vampire. He was a little rough, but sure helped me build up an appetite.”
***
April 2005
It was a few weeks later when Spike and Angel turned up again. Buffy was in Poland by then, but Illyria came and whisked her away to London. Buffy thought that having a portal opening deity would be really handy what with all the travelling she was doing now, but when she mentioned it Spike shook his head.
“There’s permanent jet-lag and a feeling of displacement no matter where you are. Also, proper travelling is fun. Trains especially - although they were better in the old days, when they had compartments. Dinner and free tickets all rolled up in one and nobody any the wiser...”
Realising what he was saying he suddenly stopped, as Angel silently shook his head in the background.
Giles coughed discreetly. “Very interesting Spike. Now you say you’ve come to talk about Willow. Well that is a very fortuitous coincidence, since I believe I have found a way to discover her whereabouts... presuming she hasn’t died of course.” He cleared his throat, then continued. “You see I came across references to Dinza, a dark demigoddess of the lost. No one living can enter her presence, but I was hoping that...”
His voice trailed off as Spike and Angel both lowered their eyes. Spike shrugged a little, then shook his head and, avoiding Buffy’s eyes, looked at Giles.
“Sorry mate, been there, done that - and they were out of T-shirts.”
“You mean you have visited her already? I didn’t know that you were familiar with her - or maybe Illyria-”
Angel took a deep breath and cut in. “I went to see her after Cordelia vanished, and she was actually sort of helpful then. This time...” he spread his hands, “she couldn’t tell us a thing.”
“Nothing?” Giles frowned, and Angel hesitated a little. “Her exact words were that Willow ‘had slipped through the cracks of time and she couldn’t see her’. Not even with Illyria threatening to pull off her wings did she say any more.”
“OK,” Buffy said quietly. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” Angel replied, then after an awkward pause added, “How’s the apocalypse progressing?”
She shrugged. “Got a few more leads. ‘Course now we wish we had 10 times more Slayers than we do...”
Illyria suddenly spoke up. “If you need fighters I have armies at my command, ready and willing to do battle.”
Buffy could feel her eyes widening, but Spike shook his head, trying to hide a smile.
“Doubt that what this apocalypse needs is another army of demons, your divine Blueness. The collateral damage would be-”
He suddenly stopped and shot Angel a look, but Angel had pulled one of his ‘I’m a stone’ metamorphosis, and didn’t react at all.
Buffy sighed. Everything was complicated and difficult, and the world was ending. Again. And for one absurd moment she longed for the calm and steady presence of The Immortal. To have just one part of her life be simple and straightforward...
***
May 2005
It was a beautiful Italian spring evening, just on the cusp of summer, and Buffy was wondering where to go for some dinner when her phone rang.
Seeing Spike’s name she could feel tiny pinpricks of excitement all over, and - despite the fact that Dawn would be back the next day and she had both housework and paperwork to do, since this was her first time home in weeks - asked if Illyria could pick her up and take her to the Hyperion.
And so, only a few minutes later she was astride Spike’s lap on his very roomy bed, eagerly pulling his shirt over his head and then shivering as he kissed his way up her neck.
“You know,” he mumbled, “I was just thinking the other day-”
“Shut up,” she replied, pushing him down on his back before starting to unbutton his pants, and he chuckled in response as he accommodatingly lifted his hips.
Then suddenly the words caught up with her - a memory from long ago rearing its ugly head, and in a flash she abruptly saw her actions in the past many months in a new light.
“Oh God. I’m doing it again!”
***
It took Spike a few moments before he realised that she had spoken, and trying to get his thoughts back into some sort of rational state he studied her, trying to work out what had happened - because judging by the look on her face she was very upset.
“Doin’ what again, Buffy?”
She lifted her eyes and he could see far too many echoes of the worried, depressed girl he’d once known for comfort.
“I’m using you,” she replied, with a finality to her tone that left no doubt in his mind that she was utterly serious. But he really couldn’t work out what she was on about.
“Sorry pet - but I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking ‘bout.”
“I’m using you to make myself feel better. My life is...” she dragged a tired hand through her hair, “a total bitch at the moment.”
She stared at his chest for a moment, then started talking. Maybe more to herself than to him, he realised.
“When... when we first went around gathering up all the slayers, we told them all about how they could save the world. Now... I have to tell them if they do, they’ll probably die. I hoped...” she swallowed, “I hoped that now there were so many of us that I’d never have to do the ‘A Slayer’s life is all about death’ speech again, but I’m right back where I was with all the Potentials when The First was rising. And Willow is gone, Dawn is busy with her studies and doesn’t need me, Xander is in India, and whenever he calls he just talks about his new girlfriend - he keeps saying that they’re ‘just friends’, but it’s wicked obvious what’s really going on. Giles keeps telling me about the stuff they’ve translated which is always depressing...” she took a deep shaky breath, “So... when you come to visit I just want to hide away from it all.”
Seeing the look on his face, she shook her head. “When was the last time we had an actual conversation, just you and me? ‘Cause I can’t remember. We just go straight for the sex - every time.”
“Buffy...” he reached out and cupped her face, “Do you love me?”
“Of course I do-”
“Good. It’s nothing like we were back then.” He said this very carefully, because he needed her to get away from that. Whatever problems they might have now, it was new, because they were different. Literally.
“But... I... I know nothing about what you do or why you are travelling. I don’t think I’ve even asked about it.”
“Buffy-”
“I always do this. I get so caught up in my own stuff that I completely forget to think about anyone else - I mean look at the way Dawn acted out back in Sunnydale. And now you - who are clearly doing something important and dangerous - and I can’t even be bothered to ask. Spike-”
“Buffy! Shut up!”
She stopped talking, and he sat up, taking a deep breath as he tried to work out what to say.
“Look. The reason you don’t know what I’m doing is because I haven’t told you.” He saw her opening her mouth and put a finger against her lips. “And I’m not going to. Understood?”
“But...” he could see the hurt on her face, and knew that the next moment they’d be discussing trust issues. He sighed. “Listen, it’s too dangerous. Yes - I know that you’re little Miss Top Slayer, and that they’d not dare touch you. Problem being that they needn’t touch you to extract information from your head.”
“Oh,” she replied, clearly thrown. “But still. We don’t talk. When we meet I just want you to make me forget everything - to run away for a while.”
He couldn’t help chuckling. “Love - what do you think I want? I’ve just spent the best part of two months trudging around a swamp - and not even a fun, scary swamp full of dead warriors like in the Lord of the Rings, but just a smelly, foggy one, with nothing to eat except fish, and no company except Illyria - who might as well have taken a vow of silence - and Angel... Do you have any idea how grouchy he gets when he’s not getting any?”
Seeing the incredulous look on her face, Spike belatedly figured that this might not have been the thing to mention, and hastily continued. “Anyway, when we finally found the wizard we were looking for, he had been cut into about twenty different pieces, which is Wolfram & Hart’s way of saying ‘Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah’, and we’re back to square one. So yeah - I want to get away from it too.”
He sighed, and let his eyes travel over the room without really seeing it. Absentmindedly he grabbed hold of the pendant, and Buffy reached out and put her hand on top of his.
“Where did you get the necklace? Can you tell me that at least? I’ve never seen you take it off.”
He smiled and let his thumb caress the familiar symbols, before telling her about the big battle where they’d nearly been slaughtered before Illyria had up and left - and their subsequent stay with the demons.
“Then one day this little kid comes running up and presses this necklace in my hand - a present from the mother apparently, for sparing the father’s life when we were fighting. Thing is - I don’t have a clue what I did. Can’t remember anything much except trying not to get killed. But apparently I at some point went for the hurt and not the kill, and because of that a family is still intact...”
Looking up he caught Buffy’s eyes. “So I wear this to remind myself to hold back - that I can maybe do some good just by not killing. It’s so easy to forget that other people are just living their lives until we come stumbling in.”
She smiled back at him, and he softly stroked her cheek. “Would bring you with me if I could, trust me. But knowing that you’re here makes more of a difference than you can imagine. Never know where I am anymore, and feeling all... disconnected all the time. Can’t remember when the last time was that I went down to an ordinary pub and had a pint, or saw a film, or watched the telly and knew what the hell was going on. You remind me why I do this. Buffy-”
He studied her carefully, every facet of her face familiar to him, and yet new every time. “I wish things were different, I wish I could be there for you like I promised, but I can’t. If... if you need that, need someone like that, then please understand that you owe me nothing.”
Her eyes widened as she took in the implications of his words. “How - how dare you? Like breaking up with me will make me happy?”
“I’m not breaking up with you, you silly bint! I’m just saying that... that this is all we can have right now. Meeting up in secret, more or less, without any ordinary relationship stuff. Maybe someday it’ll be different, maybe it won’t. I don’t know how long this... quest of ours will take. Dunno if I’ll survive next week. All I know is that I love you. Is that enough?”
For along moment she looked at him, then she nodded. “Yes.”
And yet when he kissed her he could feel a new determination, and new fear. Could they make it work? Where would they be in a year’s time? Five? Already their lives were wildly out of synch.
For her it had been less than a year since they met again. For him it had been… He wasn’t sure. Two years minimum. Possibly three. Maybe more? The dimensions stacked up, all bleeding together, ten, twenty, fifty, a hundred, two hundred… Wonders and terrors and dullness and fighting for their lives. Over and over and over, an endless merry-go-round, and one of the only things tethering him to sanity was the woman in his arms.
Yes, Buffy loved him and she was his... but for how long?
Chapter 18 on LJ
Chapter 18 on DW
Can also be found on AO3.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: Teen. (Same warnings as the show basically.)
Characters: Spike, Angel, Illyria, Buffy, Scoobies + cameos from more or less everyone in the 'verse.
Main Ships: Spike/Buffy, Angel/Nina
Feedback: Is bloody ambrosia! (The secret ingredient is otter...)
Word count (this chapter): 3700 words approx.
Setting and Summary: As before. (Post-NFA epic quest thing.)
Beta: The ever wonderful
kathyhJanuary 2005
“OK guys, here’s the sitch.”
Buffy looked at the people sitting around the conference table, and had the strangest sensation of... well not déjà vu exactly, but something very similar. In less than a week she’d gathered together every Sunnydale veteran, and seeing them all together like this she felt a sudden, sharp stab of homesickness. This room - oak panelled and very proper as befitted the Headquarters of the Watcher’s Council - was somehow much too grand and official. She was used to small, friendly places for discussing the end of the world - the library, the Magic Box, her mom’s house...
Focus, Buffy, focus!
“We have almost a year to work out how to save the world. Again. Thankfully we were able to... retrieve Willow’s notes, since it seems she got a lot of work done out there in the desert.”
She managed to keep her voice mostly level, but a quick glance around the table revealed both Xander and Kennedy suddenly swallowing.
“So, we need to make sure that her - her sacrifice wasn’t in vain. Giles, Andrew, Dawn - I need all the best people we have to work on this. We need to find out what we’re dealing with if we want to have a fighting chance of winning. I need watch on all the remaining hellmouths, even though they don’t appear to be active at the moment. And finally we need to get all the slayers ready. We’ve had it easy until now-”
At this Faith cut her off. “Easy? Well speak for yourself and your comfy little dolce vita B, but nothing I’ve seen has been easy!”
Buffy tried not to flinch at the accusatory tone in the other’s voice. She knew that Faith had shouldered a lot of the harder matters. But she looked back evenly.
“We have not had a fight we couldn’t win. If the forerunner for this thing did away with Willow as easily as it apparently did, then we need to up our game a lot, and prepare all the new girls for what we might have to face. Try to put across to them what an apocalypse means. Last week I had Spike and Angel help me with my nine in Rome, but they’re gone again, so we need a plan...”
March 2005
Paris. Paris was a city for lovers, or so Buffy had been informed. Last time she’d been there, she’d still been in mourning... and this time her lover was goodness knew where. Still, she had work to do — she’d spent the day talking to the local slayers, and now needed something to eat. One of the girls had recommended a restaurant, although Buffy had a feeling she was hopelessly lost despite the straightforward directions. Funny how Paris wasn’t romantic and exotic, but just labyrinthine and foreign when it was a cold March day.
As she was trying to work out which way to go - and having almost decided to get a cab - her cellphone rang. Seeing the name that popped up on the screen, her heart was suddenly in her throat.
“Spike?” she asked and heard a low chuckle on the other end.
“Indeed. Where are you pet?”
She tried to explain where she was, and he obviously knew the town better than she. “Stay where you are love, I’ll find you,” he said, and she looked around expectantly. But five minutes later he still wasn’t there, and she retreated to the opening of an alley to get out of the wind that was beginning to make her shiver. She was wondering if she should give him a call when suddenly she felt a hand yanking at her arm. In a flash she’d drawn her stake and pinned the assailant against the wall, before realising that it was him... His eyes were sparkling in the darkness, as they drifted from the stake pressed against his chest and up to her face.
“Good to see you haven’t lost your touch pet,” he drawled, and then in a moment reversed their positions, cool hands sneaking under her top and then brushing a nipple as she gasped against his mouth.
“Only a flying visit love,” he murmured, nibbling down her neck, “and I happen to know this little place just round the corner... What do you say?”
His other hand grabbed her ass and pulled her flush against him, and she could only nod. All she wanted was him - his hands, his mouth, his body... and the secretive nature of the tryst made her shiver with anticipation. She remembered this - the delicious thrill of disappearing for a little while without anyone ever knowing.
And then she smiled, catching his eyes. “Who needs a room?”
A dirty low chuckle was the only answer she got, and then all thoughts fled as their urgent need took over.
When the world came back into focus she wasn’t sure she’d actually be able to walk. Spike however pulled out his cellphone, swore quietly, and explained that he had to run.
As he planted one last scorching kiss on her lips he whispered, “Might have some good news for you next time we meet...”
Half an hour later she was back at Slayer Central, having imbibed a burger and a coke before getting lost again and having to hail a taxi. Three Slayers were in the sitting room working on something as she came through the door. They all looked up, and one of them (dammit, what was her name?), spoke up:
“Did you find the restaurant, Miss Summers?” and she smiled back, a little dazed. “Found a restaurant, and am feeling much better now, thank you,” she replied, happy little butterflies still dancing around inside.
“Are you OK?” the girl asked, looking a little unsure. “You look a little... I mean you’ve torn your stockings...”
Buffy smiled a little. “Just ran into a vampire. He was a little rough, but sure helped me build up an appetite.”
April 2005
It was a few weeks later when Spike and Angel turned up again. Buffy was in Poland by then, but Illyria came and whisked her away to London. Buffy thought that having a portal opening deity would be really handy what with all the travelling she was doing now, but when she mentioned it Spike shook his head.
“There’s permanent jet-lag and a feeling of displacement no matter where you are. Also, proper travelling is fun. Trains especially - although they were better in the old days, when they had compartments. Dinner and free tickets all rolled up in one and nobody any the wiser...”
Realising what he was saying he suddenly stopped, as Angel silently shook his head in the background.
Giles coughed discreetly. “Very interesting Spike. Now you say you’ve come to talk about Willow. Well that is a very fortuitous coincidence, since I believe I have found a way to discover her whereabouts... presuming she hasn’t died of course.” He cleared his throat, then continued. “You see I came across references to Dinza, a dark demigoddess of the lost. No one living can enter her presence, but I was hoping that...”
His voice trailed off as Spike and Angel both lowered their eyes. Spike shrugged a little, then shook his head and, avoiding Buffy’s eyes, looked at Giles.
“Sorry mate, been there, done that - and they were out of T-shirts.”
“You mean you have visited her already? I didn’t know that you were familiar with her - or maybe Illyria-”
Angel took a deep breath and cut in. “I went to see her after Cordelia vanished, and she was actually sort of helpful then. This time...” he spread his hands, “she couldn’t tell us a thing.”
“Nothing?” Giles frowned, and Angel hesitated a little. “Her exact words were that Willow ‘had slipped through the cracks of time and she couldn’t see her’. Not even with Illyria threatening to pull off her wings did she say any more.”
“OK,” Buffy said quietly. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” Angel replied, then after an awkward pause added, “How’s the apocalypse progressing?”
She shrugged. “Got a few more leads. ‘Course now we wish we had 10 times more Slayers than we do...”
Illyria suddenly spoke up. “If you need fighters I have armies at my command, ready and willing to do battle.”
Buffy could feel her eyes widening, but Spike shook his head, trying to hide a smile.
“Doubt that what this apocalypse needs is another army of demons, your divine Blueness. The collateral damage would be-”
He suddenly stopped and shot Angel a look, but Angel had pulled one of his ‘I’m a stone’ metamorphosis, and didn’t react at all.
Buffy sighed. Everything was complicated and difficult, and the world was ending. Again. And for one absurd moment she longed for the calm and steady presence of The Immortal. To have just one part of her life be simple and straightforward...
May 2005
It was a beautiful Italian spring evening, just on the cusp of summer, and Buffy was wondering where to go for some dinner when her phone rang.
Seeing Spike’s name she could feel tiny pinpricks of excitement all over, and - despite the fact that Dawn would be back the next day and she had both housework and paperwork to do, since this was her first time home in weeks - asked if Illyria could pick her up and take her to the Hyperion.
And so, only a few minutes later she was astride Spike’s lap on his very roomy bed, eagerly pulling his shirt over his head and then shivering as he kissed his way up her neck.
“You know,” he mumbled, “I was just thinking the other day-”
“Shut up,” she replied, pushing him down on his back before starting to unbutton his pants, and he chuckled in response as he accommodatingly lifted his hips.
Then suddenly the words caught up with her - a memory from long ago rearing its ugly head, and in a flash she abruptly saw her actions in the past many months in a new light.
“Oh God. I’m doing it again!”
It took Spike a few moments before he realised that she had spoken, and trying to get his thoughts back into some sort of rational state he studied her, trying to work out what had happened - because judging by the look on her face she was very upset.
“Doin’ what again, Buffy?”
She lifted her eyes and he could see far too many echoes of the worried, depressed girl he’d once known for comfort.
“I’m using you,” she replied, with a finality to her tone that left no doubt in his mind that she was utterly serious. But he really couldn’t work out what she was on about.
“Sorry pet - but I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking ‘bout.”
“I’m using you to make myself feel better. My life is...” she dragged a tired hand through her hair, “a total bitch at the moment.”
She stared at his chest for a moment, then started talking. Maybe more to herself than to him, he realised.
“When... when we first went around gathering up all the slayers, we told them all about how they could save the world. Now... I have to tell them if they do, they’ll probably die. I hoped...” she swallowed, “I hoped that now there were so many of us that I’d never have to do the ‘A Slayer’s life is all about death’ speech again, but I’m right back where I was with all the Potentials when The First was rising. And Willow is gone, Dawn is busy with her studies and doesn’t need me, Xander is in India, and whenever he calls he just talks about his new girlfriend - he keeps saying that they’re ‘just friends’, but it’s wicked obvious what’s really going on. Giles keeps telling me about the stuff they’ve translated which is always depressing...” she took a deep shaky breath, “So... when you come to visit I just want to hide away from it all.”
Seeing the look on his face, she shook her head. “When was the last time we had an actual conversation, just you and me? ‘Cause I can’t remember. We just go straight for the sex - every time.”
“Buffy...” he reached out and cupped her face, “Do you love me?”
“Of course I do-”
“Good. It’s nothing like we were back then.” He said this very carefully, because he needed her to get away from that. Whatever problems they might have now, it was new, because they were different. Literally.
“But... I... I know nothing about what you do or why you are travelling. I don’t think I’ve even asked about it.”
“Buffy-”
“I always do this. I get so caught up in my own stuff that I completely forget to think about anyone else - I mean look at the way Dawn acted out back in Sunnydale. And now you - who are clearly doing something important and dangerous - and I can’t even be bothered to ask. Spike-”
“Buffy! Shut up!”
She stopped talking, and he sat up, taking a deep breath as he tried to work out what to say.
“Look. The reason you don’t know what I’m doing is because I haven’t told you.” He saw her opening her mouth and put a finger against her lips. “And I’m not going to. Understood?”
“But...” he could see the hurt on her face, and knew that the next moment they’d be discussing trust issues. He sighed. “Listen, it’s too dangerous. Yes - I know that you’re little Miss Top Slayer, and that they’d not dare touch you. Problem being that they needn’t touch you to extract information from your head.”
“Oh,” she replied, clearly thrown. “But still. We don’t talk. When we meet I just want you to make me forget everything - to run away for a while.”
He couldn’t help chuckling. “Love - what do you think I want? I’ve just spent the best part of two months trudging around a swamp - and not even a fun, scary swamp full of dead warriors like in the Lord of the Rings, but just a smelly, foggy one, with nothing to eat except fish, and no company except Illyria - who might as well have taken a vow of silence - and Angel... Do you have any idea how grouchy he gets when he’s not getting any?”
Seeing the incredulous look on her face, Spike belatedly figured that this might not have been the thing to mention, and hastily continued. “Anyway, when we finally found the wizard we were looking for, he had been cut into about twenty different pieces, which is Wolfram & Hart’s way of saying ‘Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah’, and we’re back to square one. So yeah - I want to get away from it too.”
He sighed, and let his eyes travel over the room without really seeing it. Absentmindedly he grabbed hold of the pendant, and Buffy reached out and put her hand on top of his.
“Where did you get the necklace? Can you tell me that at least? I’ve never seen you take it off.”
He smiled and let his thumb caress the familiar symbols, before telling her about the big battle where they’d nearly been slaughtered before Illyria had up and left - and their subsequent stay with the demons.
“Then one day this little kid comes running up and presses this necklace in my hand - a present from the mother apparently, for sparing the father’s life when we were fighting. Thing is - I don’t have a clue what I did. Can’t remember anything much except trying not to get killed. But apparently I at some point went for the hurt and not the kill, and because of that a family is still intact...”
Looking up he caught Buffy’s eyes. “So I wear this to remind myself to hold back - that I can maybe do some good just by not killing. It’s so easy to forget that other people are just living their lives until we come stumbling in.”
She smiled back at him, and he softly stroked her cheek. “Would bring you with me if I could, trust me. But knowing that you’re here makes more of a difference than you can imagine. Never know where I am anymore, and feeling all... disconnected all the time. Can’t remember when the last time was that I went down to an ordinary pub and had a pint, or saw a film, or watched the telly and knew what the hell was going on. You remind me why I do this. Buffy-”
He studied her carefully, every facet of her face familiar to him, and yet new every time. “I wish things were different, I wish I could be there for you like I promised, but I can’t. If... if you need that, need someone like that, then please understand that you owe me nothing.”
Her eyes widened as she took in the implications of his words. “How - how dare you? Like breaking up with me will make me happy?”
“I’m not breaking up with you, you silly bint! I’m just saying that... that this is all we can have right now. Meeting up in secret, more or less, without any ordinary relationship stuff. Maybe someday it’ll be different, maybe it won’t. I don’t know how long this... quest of ours will take. Dunno if I’ll survive next week. All I know is that I love you. Is that enough?”
For along moment she looked at him, then she nodded. “Yes.”
And yet when he kissed her he could feel a new determination, and new fear. Could they make it work? Where would they be in a year’s time? Five? Already their lives were wildly out of synch.
For her it had been less than a year since they met again. For him it had been… He wasn’t sure. Two years minimum. Possibly three. Maybe more? The dimensions stacked up, all bleeding together, ten, twenty, fifty, a hundred, two hundred… Wonders and terrors and dullness and fighting for their lives. Over and over and over, an endless merry-go-round, and one of the only things tethering him to sanity was the woman in his arms.
Yes, Buffy loved him and she was his... but for how long?
Chapter 18 on LJ
Chapter 18 on DW
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Great work, as always *^^*
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And whether the last line is foreshadowing, or just Spike's fears... Well, my lips are sealed. ;)