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Fic: Dating the Cleverest Boy in the World. Chapter 20.
There is ONE scene in this chapter that was part of the original plan. Everything else just... appeared, because of other things. But you don't mind, right? You like stupidly long chapters, right? *hopeful look* Well, Ten is one of the new additions so I'm just gonna cross my fingers and pray. Make sure you've read the Christmas chapter first though.
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Spring 2028
Characters (this chapter): Alex, Allison, Tenth Doctor, Josh, Jamie, Matt.
Rating: PG (some swearing)
Wordcount: 5700 words.
Feedback: Would make my day and more besides! <3
Chapter 20
Contrary to what Allison had imagined, life after Christmas became easier than before.
She had worried about Alex’s mental stability, but Boxing Day seemed to have been the worst of it, and in the days that followed he managed to find his equilibrium - although with subtle differences. He was more quiet, but also more content...
Regaining ‘his freedom’ (as he had put) didn’t result in him running off, leaving her on her own for the last half year of her studies - quite the opposite. So far he had avoided university as if it was a plague, immersing himself in endless projects - now, however, he came up with the idea of doing not just his BA, but also cramming in a Master’s degree as well as a Doctorate.
“In half a year?” she asked when he first told her, and he nodded happily.
“It’ll be tricky, but fun.”
“Um. Good luck with it...”
And somehow the Powers That Be agreed to his attempt. She didn’t know what he told them, but the upshot was that suddenly his study was full of books and papers, arranged in incredibly neat and organised piles; the clear evidence of a mind organised down to the last molecule - and which managed to project this outwards too. She tried not to be jealous. Her own study was... well, she knew where everything was. (She had banned him from entering and he tactfully never mentioned it.)
The other difference was the fact that his Uncle suddenly became a part of their lives.
It started a perfectly ordinary Saturday in late January. Alex had spent the best part of the morning rearranging the piles on his desk and adding several more, as well as cleaning the flat (which involved things such as removing invisible dust from all surfaces), when there was a knock on the door, immediately followed by Alex’s uncle sailing through it, coat billowing in his wake and hair like a rooster’s.
“Good morning!” he beamed, looking gorgeously tanned and fit as if he’d stepped in from a hot summer’s day and not cold January mists.
“Hi,” Allison said (grateful that she’d managed a shower and clothes), as Alex came out of the kitchen, drying a cup. But before he could say anything, Bob the Roomba scooted out from behind the sofa.
“Doctor. It truly is a pleasure to see you again. Hopefully you have been well?” it said, and somewhat to Allison’s surprise he crouched down and patted the dome.
“Bob! Good to see you too! Long time, no see, eh?”
“Indeed. Canine and Mr Smith send their greetings.”
(This made little sense - as Alex’s uncle was Mr Smith, and which dog was it talking about? - but then Allison suspected a few loose wires here or there. Now and again Bob would completely ignore the crumbs and just sit on a corner bleeping to itself and talking in code. Alex might be good at creating artificial intelligence, but even he had his limits...)
The uncle seemed unfazed however, and kept smiling.
“Tell them I’ll drop by soon - I’ve been... a little caught up.”
“Hello Doctor,” Alex cut in, pleasant, but obviously a bit cautious. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Jumping back to his feet his uncle answered, voice so light that even Allison could tell l that something was afoot.
“You asked me have a look at your PhD proposals, remember?”
“Right...” Alex replied. “Let me just put the tea towel away.”
As he vanished into the kitchen Allison stood up, feeling rather awkward (she was sort of the hostess, wasn’t she?) and holding out her hand.
“Um, it’s nice to see you again-”
“Just call me Doctor,” he replied, shaking her hand. “I’m pretty sure we established that last time.”
“OK, Doctor it is,” she said, as his smile dropped and he leaned forward.
“Is he OK?” he asked, nodding towards Alex and the kitchen, and Allison suddenly twigged that this was a ‘checking up on Alex’ visit.
When she got over the surprise she realised that she was both touched and grateful - she kept thinking that Alex was her responsibility, completely forgetting about his family. And the Doctor was very conscientious, she seemed to remember...
“Yes,” she said quickly and quietly. “He’s doing really well.”
A moment later Alex returned, and uncle and nephew walked off to Alex’s study - Allison following and hovering in the doorway, unable to help her amusement as the Doctor within mere moment reduced impeccable tidiness to chaos, Alex nearly tearing his hair out in frustration.
“No, no, no - maybe, maybe, definitely no-” the Doctor muttered, shuffling the piles around and casually throwing notes in the bin and missing, papers falling like leaves.
“Doctor!” Alex exclaimed, as he clamped his hands down over the Doctor’s. “Stop! Please, just... don’t touch anything. And what was wrong with the last one? That was my favourite!”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow, as Alex cautiously let go of his hands.
“You know exactly what was wrong with it. Stop pretending to be stupid.”
Picking up another proposal he scanned it casually, before shooting Alex another look.
“By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice the little stunt you pulled at NASA.”
Alex lowered his eyes, looking somewhere between stubborn and bashful.
“I only shaved off a year. And it was Adelaide. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done something similar...”
“Don’t presume to know what I would do!” the Doctor replied, slowly lowering the paper, and it was like a cloud passing across the sun, the temperature rapidly plummeting.
Alex shook his head, clearly unimpressed with his uncle’s dramatics.
“Right, just spit it out. What is this about?”
The Doctor didn’t move, but his reply had a visible effect on Alex.
“A certain ‘Christmas Hero’...”
Alex swallowed, eyes widening.
“I...”
“Do you have even the slightest idea how much damage you could have caused?” the Doctor asked, eyes fixed on Alex with thinly disguised anger, and voice coldly furious.
“We were really careful-” Alex began, but this time his uncle nearly exploded.
“Careful? Careful? You got lucky, that’s all! Far luckier than you deserve. One wrong step and-” he dragged his hands through his hair, somehow managing to make it even more gravity defying than before. “There could have been Reapers!”
Allison didn’t have a clue what any of this meant, but the impact on Alex was indisputable.
“Reapers?” he whispered, going pale. “I didn’t mean to... I just...”
He closed his eyes, head falling.
“I couldn’t let that boy die. Not after... everything. I had to save him. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
The Doctor, the anger falling off him in an instant, immediately wrapped up his nephew in a big hug.
“And you did. But next time - just ask for help. I’m always here.”
Alex nodded, head buried in the Doctor’s shoulder, and Allison quietly tiptoed out of the doorway. Inadvertedly she had been given the answer to several questions, as well as reassurance.
However he had done it, Alex had saved the little boy, but it had clearly been a stupendously dangerous undertaking. But he’d been called on it, and not argued, just agreed to not do it again... His uncle getting through to him was a relief she couldn’t quite quantify.
("What are Reapers?" she asked later, and Alex fidgeted. "Like... Black Ops? They only turn up if you really screw up on a monumental scale...")
***
She had thought the visit a one-off until the Doctor turned up the following week, mere minutes after Alex had left for a long meeting with Professor Trinder.
“Sorry, he’s going to be a while...” she said, but the Doctor only nodded.
“Good. It’s you I wanted to talk to.”
“Me?” she asked, and he nodded again. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” she replied, and after a moment of indecision he settled himself in an armchair.
“So... you wanted to talk?” Allison said, as she seated herself in the sofa, waiting for him to speak, and he leaned forward, elbows on knees.
“How... is he? How has he been these past few years? I’m not exactly an expert on child-rearing. I’ve tried to do my best, to give him as normal a childhood as I could. Give him what we could never have. But then...”
He buried his head in his hands momentarily, staring out through his fingers, eyes oddly lost. Eventually he lowered his hands again, speaking almost as if to himself.
“Then he... Well, it was all Jack’s doing really, but... Alexander was so incredibly stubborn about the whole thing I had no choice but to do something drastic. Asked his friends to keep an eye on him, which wasn’t the most ideal of arrangements, but then there was you which was a huge weight off my shoulders. Mostly though I’ve kept my distance. Given him some space. Which worked well enough until Christmas... I thought that keeping him here would keep him safe and sheltered. Comparatively, at least. But it’s too late now.”
Allison didn’t know what to say. It was a little like Christmas two years ago when her mother had talked to her like an adult for the first time... Seeing Alex’s uncle (the authority figure, the one he was rebelling against) as just a person, someone thrown into the deep end as father-figure for a child, and just trying his best was an eyeopener to say the least. There had been no guide book. No help. It was sobering.
The Doctor, unaware of her thoughts, kept talking. Clearly the ability to natter on was a family trait.
“He’s... too clever. That’s always been the problem, and I never knew what to do with him. His father, of course, just wants to exploit it, so I did my best to make sure he was happy and safe and loved. But the cleverness... What do you do with that? Figured it was better to make him aware, as that would hopefully make him cautious. Which it did, for the most part.”
A frown, as he pursed his lips and his eyes narrowed.
“That whole business with the ‘Christmas Hero’ is the first time he’s done anything genuinely hazardous. And don’t tell him this, but it was flawless... And he’s only 20, hardly more than a child and has barely even begun his proper teaching...”
Shaking his head, he sighed, and Allison finally managed to find her voice.
“Why are you telling me all this?”
He seemed surprised at the question, and then rather at a loss to answer it.
“Well...” he reached up and grabbed the back of his neck, studying her. “You love him. Yet you’re not in awe of him. And you challenge him. If only-”
He stopped, and she waited for a moment before prompting.
“If only?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just- nothing.” He dislodged his hand and waved a finger at her: “Actually I’ve been thinking about maybe trying to teach him a bit more of the family history - where he comes from, that kinda thing. Give him some proper perspective. There is a... distant relative who would be perfect, except she and his father have a... difficult back story. I’m not sure how she’ll react to him. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?”
He was being avoid-y, but really she couldn’t challenge him - he didn’t owe her anything, and this heart-to-heart was far more than she’d ever expected.
***
After that, he began to drop in regularly. Alex would roll his eyes and say something about him being ‘without a companion’, which Allison found a hilariously old-fashioned turn of phrase, but nevertheless he’d turn up more or less once a week, helping himself to anything in the kitchen and often staying the evening, playing cards or watching TV or whatever else he could think of. He seemed to have the attention span of a three year old, which was odd when considered in the light of... everything else.
One Wednesday night the Doctor decided that they were watching ‘A Matter of Life and Death’ - a film Allison had never even heard of, but that was apparently a classic. It centred around a WWII pilot who was supposed to have died, but didn’t, and there was lots of stopping time whilst characters discussed all the issues, and whether falling in love entitled the hero to a life despite the fact that he was technically dead... All of which Allison decided she could live without seeing through, as she had to get up early. Alex and the Doctor barely noticed when she went off to bed, being utterly swept up.
She had trouble getting to sleep, however, and decided that a glass of water might be necessary. Opening the bedroom door stealthily, she noticed that uncle and nephew were now sitting next to each other on the sofa, their backs to her and the glare from the TV dancing bright shadows across the walls, and she was just about to tiptoe out when Alex spoke, his voice so quiet that it immediately caught her attention, freezing her to the spot.
“Can you actually stop time?”
“Sure,” his uncle answered lightly. “Bit dull in the long run though. Could loop it, if you wanted - same day repeated, Groundhog Day style. Or make a pocket universe. Mind you, they’re complicated. And unstable. You’d just wink out of existence, and I believe that would rather defeat the object of the exercise...”
Alex nodded, and when he spoke his voice was oddly tight, as if he was fighting back tears.
“I don’t want it to end.”
“I know,” his uncle said, voice as soft as a caress, looping an arm around Alex’s shoulders. “I know.”
They fell silent after that, Alex resting his head on the Doctor’s shoulder, and Allison silently withdrew, the glass of water forgotten.
‘I don’t want it to end’...
What had he meant? Sure their life here at Cambridge was a little like living in a bubble, but the rest of their lives was a new sort of adventure waiting around the corner - different, but exciting and wonderful.
Maybe it was the Christmas trauma rearing its head again? She wanted to ask him, but it had been such a private moment that she didn’t want to admit to snooping, however accidentally.
***
Spring 2028
The last evening of term, and the Student Union bar was nicely crowded. Plenty of students had gone home already, but those that were left were happy to party twice as hard.
At one point someone got the jukebox to play ‘I Kissed a Boy and I Liked It’ (the latest version of about a million, and that was without counting the Katy Perry original with Girl instead of Boy), and every student in the place seemed to join in, singing loudly - and mostly off key - although it was the enthusiastic participation of Josh and Matt that made Allison take notice, especially as Alex had gone very quiet as they sang, winking at him. Jamie, of course, never sang, instead silently concentrating on hir gin and tonic.
“Go on then,” Josh eventually said, leaning forward, eyes dancing. “Tell us allllll about it. Was it good? It looked good to us...”
Alex looked from Josh to Matt, before his eyes narrowed, and when he spoke his voice was low and angry.
“How the hell...”
“Jack!” Josh said with a leer, Matt picking up the thread:
“It’s the screen saver on his phone. He didn’t really show us, we just... happened to see it.”
Alex was now staring at them, incredulous, although at least he seemed to know what they were talking about. Unlike Allison.
“He uses it as a screen saver?” he asked, as the other two were fighting giggles.
“Well,” Josh replied once he’d managed to find his voice again, “it was obviously a memorable moment. Thank the Lord for CCTV eh? Didn’t think about that, did you...”
For a moment Alex just sat there, seemingly frozen, before abruptly getting to his feet, turning to Allison.
“Allie - please excuse me. I need to go kill Jack. Should be back in not too long.”
However as he started walking away Matt jumped from his seat and did a proper rugby tackle, throwing Alex to the ground, before promptly sitting on him.
“Don’t kill Jack. Besides, we need a word with you.”
“Really?” Alex said, voice a little crushed.
“Oh yes. You’re a liar Alexander Saxon!”
“And what are you going to do? Tell your dad?”
Josh walked over and looked down at him, victory in his eyes.
“No. We just want you to admit it. Out loud. With no caveats.”
A beat, then Alex sighed deeply.
“Fine. I lied. To your faces. Repeatedly. I am not straight. As a matter of fact I am so far from straight that I am practically a circle. And now my last, tiny little shred of normality has been destroyed. Thank you. I hope you’re happy.”
Shooting Josh a victorious smile Matt stood up, letting Alex get up to a sitting position on the floor, whilst Josh shook his head.
“And what about us? Don’t you think we deserved the truth? All this time, all these years, I had you in the ‘unavailable’ box. Just... what a waste.”
Brow drawing together Alex studied him, with that unnerving concentration that Allison knew meant that the rest of the world had fallen away. The way he’d looked at Adelaide. A sort of breathless anticipation.
“Josh... are you serious? You’d have been interested?”
“Well I... might have been?” Josh replied, a touch of exasperation in his voice. “Dammit you’re... you!”
“I thought me being me was the problem,” Alex replied drolly and Josh seemed to hesitate.
“Well at least I would have known it was an option! I could have had the pleasure of... turning you down.”
Alex nodded slowly, strangely wary, but they were still focussed on each other to such an extent that Allison wanted to wave a hand in front of his face. There was this whole chunk of Alex that he shared with only his friends, a part she couldn’t reach - or rather, that he wouldn’t share with her. Something that allowed him and Josh to have a whole conversation that she was completely cut out of. (Conversation was not the right word. They were basically flirting. Right in front of her...)
Time to take charge.
“Josh - hands off Alex. Even the metaphorical ones.”
Glancing at Jamie, who was looking like sie was wishing hirself a million miles away, Allison shot Josh a significant look.
“And I don’t think your fiancée is too happy about this either. Now if you’ll excuse me I would like to talk to my boyfriend in private.”
Without waiting for any kind of reply she grabbed her coat with one hand and Alex with the other before steering him out of the Student Union, not stopping until she’d found a nice secluded bench where they could talk in peace.
For a moment she allowed herself to wish for a normal boyfriend, one where she didn’t have to explain everything all the time, one where she could have normal arguments about looking at scantily clad girls, not suddenly wanting to sleep with his best friend. And this one was easy compared to the thorny moral and ethical issues that cropped up on a regular basis.
‘More interesting’ Toby whispered in her head, and she closed her eyes and prayed that he was right.
Alex had stayed mercifully silent, waiting for her to say something.
“I... don’t even know where to start, although I suppose Jack would be as good a place as any. Were you planning on ever actually telling me that you’d been kissing him?”
“I didn’t kiss Jack!” he replied, indignantly. “He’s like my big brother, it’d be... wrong. I...” A delicate pause. “I kissed Ianto.”
“Okay, that’s just...” she stopped, trying to wrap her head around the revelation, “...weird. Alex... you not being straight is not exactly a surprise. But why did you lie to me?”
He sighed, and she could see the grief rear its head again.
“It was Christmas. I wanted to cheer Jack up. It seemed like a good idea. Plus, I was incredibly drunk. That’s not an excuse, I’d probably have done it anyway, but... So drunk. Can’t quite remember it as clearly as I’d like, I’m sad to say.”
“But why didn’t you tell me? A kiss is nothing compared to whatever it was you did saving that boy...”
He studied her for the longest moment, before he slowly shook his head, and if the earth had actually cracked open between them she couldn’t have felt him slip more out of her grasp.
“It was private,” he said eventually, and she threw her hands in the air.
“Alex we’re in a relationship! One kiss isn’t much, and really I don’t mind at all, but don’t lie to me! You can’t just label something ‘private’ and then keep it from me, that’s not how relationships work!”
He didn’t answer. Instead he just looked at her, completely still and silent, and she suddenly felt a chill going through her that had nothing to do with the cool evening air.
“Alex... Is there something you want to tell me?”
His eyes narrowed a fraction, like he was carefully weighing something in his mind, and when he spoke the cautiousness in his words was unmistakable.
“What if it was more than a kiss? Not in physical terms, but... Oh, I can’t describe it. Very intimate.”
She stared at him, uncomprehending.
“What the hell are you talking about? And what exactly did you and Ianto do?”
He waved his hand dismissively.
“I’m not talking about Ianto. That really was nothing more than a drunken kiss. I’m talking about... Jamie. And me.”
At first it didn’t make sense. Maybe it was all some sort of elaborate joke because she’d over reacted?
“Jamie? What do you mean? Josh’s Jamie?”
“Do you know any others?” he shot back, and she could only blink. Jamie was... Well, sie’d thawed somewhat, but Allison still had the distinct impression that anyone who tried it on and wasn’t Josh was likely to come away with a broken face. At least.
“I don’t understand. You... and Jamie? Are you serious?”
He simply nodded - as though it was a normal conversation; as though he wasn’t rapidly making the ground beneath her feet disappear. She was desperately trying to remember past interactions between Alex and Jamie, clues she might have missed, significant looks she hadn’t noticed at the time...
The only thing that sprang to mind was the first time they’d met up after Christmas. Jamie had laid a hand on Alex’s arm saying simply: “I heard. I’m sorry.” Alex had momentarily closed his eyes, before thanking hir, but other than that-
Oh. Jamie’s face only moments before. The discomfort hadn’t been discomfort. It had been guilt.
And she’d been so worried about Helena at the circus, and Adelaide at NASA - the real problem had been there all along, right under her nose...
“It was only the once,” he continued, studying her carefully, “and I still don’t know how to categorise it.”
Somewhere inside she was simultaneously going hot and cold. It wasn’t just the betrayal, it was the fact that she’d thought that he might be many things, but at least he was faithful... The truth was beyond bitter:
“You are unbelievable! Are you seriously trying to tell me that not only did you cheat on me, you cheated on me with your best friend’s fiancé?”
He was still much too quiet, and she wanted to shake him.
“Can I explain what actually happened? Because it’s not exactly what you think...”
“You did something you shouldn’t and then you lied about it. Seems pretty straightforward to me. I don’t really want the details.”
“Listen! It was the day after they got engaged-”
“The day after! Bloody hell. I thought it was something to do with acting out after seeing those people die. But no. You choose-”
“Let me finish!” he said, and she shut her mouth angrily. Damn him. Damn him to hell. And Jamie too. What a fantastic basis for marriage sie’d created.
“I invited Jamie over just to chat, since I figured sie might need someone to talk to. What with being so terrified.”
She could still hear the music from the Student Union, the chatter of happy voices. It was like a parallel world, utterly cut off from this bench in the darkness where everything seemed to be falling apart. Had she been happy just 5 minutes ago?
“Sorry what?”
“Jamie. Terrified. Remember me, Christmas before last? I know terrified of love when I see it. I thought I could help. And I did.”
And now he was casting himself in the role of hero. It just kept getting better!
“And you were so great that Jamie just decided to jump you in gratitude.”
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Metaphorically speaking, yes. Jamie is half-alien, remember. Half Star Poet, and highly telepathic. And sie... sang to me. Mind to mind.”
He briefly laid his fingertips on her temples, like something out of Star Trek, before letting his hands fall, voice dreamy as he continued, eyes distant and smiling at something only he could see.
“You know that part in the second movement of Concierto de Aranjuez - when the music builds and builds and then it all seems to... overflow, and it’s almost like a physical release, making you shiver? It was a bit like that, just... more. I really don’t have the words to describe it. But that’s the nearest. It was... unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”
Of course, she though to herself. Of course. Something new and different and unusual. He’d not go off and sleep with some busty chav, no he’d go for the weird alien... It made sense, but that didn’t really make it hurt any less. And she was familiar enough with sci-fi tropes to be able to label it.
“So it was mind sex, is what you’re saying?”
Abruptly snapped out of his mood, he refocussed on her, eyes darkening.
“I’m not going to let you turn it into something... sordid!”
Her jaw dropped, and her feelings immediately regained focus, irate and incredulous.
“Not going to let me-? Are you fucking kidding? You cheated on me, and you dare tell me how to label it?”
“It wasn’t human!” he shot back, with such feeling that she was genuinely taken aback. “You can’t use human labels!”
“But then what the hell am I supposed to use?”
A beat, as they stared at each other, furious, then the anger seemed to vanish as quickly as it had arrived and he shook his head, looking strangely lost.
“I don’t know. It’s one reason I never told you...”
Trying to steady herself, she took a few deep breaths, gathering her thoughts and attempting to get an overview of what he’d been saying.
“Are you even sorry?” she asked eventually, and he tilted his head, studying her very carefully.
“I’m sorry I lied about it. And I’m sorry you’re upset.”
“But you’re not sorry it happened?”
He shook his head.
“No.”
She had to bury her head in her hands to steady herself. It was the same as every other time. He couldn’t even see it. Or if he did, he just chose to ignore it...
Time to be brutal. This wasn’t about differing points of view or morals, it was about the two of them, and if they couldn’t work it out then they didn’t have a future:
“And that’s the problem. You put your... pleasure above my feelings!”
As his mouth fell open, she stood up, looking down on him, seething and hurt and determined not to give an inch.
“I suggest you do a lot of thinking about what exactly you want from this relationship. Because this? Is not OK.”
Taking a deep breath she quickly tried to work out what to do now... They’d not had any concrete plans, except for the fact that it was his birthday just after Easter. But as it was, she didn’t think she could share a bed with him just yet. Living together made things... difficult in ways she’d not anticipated.
Mind made up, she spoke.
“I think I’ll catch a late train and just head home. I need... some space. Maybe you could go stay with your uncle, as he seems to be the only person in your whole family who actually has a working moral compass.”
His eyes flickered at this, but then he reached out, catching her hand.
“But you and me? What does ‘space’ mean? Are you breaking up with me... Again?”
She leaned in then, studying him, the darkness rendering his face in hues of blue, and his soft brown eyes black and alien and unknowable.
“Not a chance. That would just let you off the hook. You are a goddamn genius Alex, there is no way the rules of relationships are too complicated for you. And if you love me at all you’re going to do a lot better from now on. Understood?”
He nodded, and she turned and walked away.
***
Matt had gone for more drinks as Jamie’s phone vibrated, and sie brought it out, seeing a new message from Alex.
‘Told Allie about you and me. She didn’t take it well. Am going to the Doctor’s for Easter. S.’
As Jamie absorbed the news, Josh leaned over, reading the message before sie could stop him. He frowned, lifting his eyes to study Jamie.
“You and Alex?”
This... was not how it was supposed to happen. Sie would have to be careful, as she seemed to have been thrown into confession mode with no hope of escape.
“I sang to him. As I told you, he showed me how to...” sie put a hand to Josh’s temple, letting the tiniest flicker of desire register before letting go, “...and I wanted to try it. That’s how I discovered that I could sing.”
“Right...”
Josh didn’t seem to know what to say. Singing was their private, their very own, special thing. Theirs and no one else’s...
“Sorry I never told you. But you had so many before me. And I had none. This way it felt... like we were even?”
“Even?” Josh asked, taken aback, and Jamie pressed hir advantage immediately.
“Besides... I didn’t want to make you jealous.”
Breathing an internal sigh of relief Jamie could see Josh’s mind flipping everything over, reassessing what sie had said, eyes changing from hostile to curious. Jamie could have kissed Alex (again) for the flirting earlier on - it had paved the way perfectly.
“What was it like?” Josh asked, and Jamie let hir mind slip back, delving into the memory with practised ease.
“It was like... touching eternity. Bright and golden and... impossible. He is... you have no idea.”
Josh looked thoroughly mesmerised, and Jamie hoped this would be sufficient to explain that the temptation had been utterly irresistible...
The moment was interrupted by Matt returning, balancing three glasses in his hands.
“The queues aren’t that bad, but I think everyone must have ordered 10 drinks each! I didn’t get anything for Alex and Allie, they can fight that battle themselves...”
Noticing the silence, he looked from Josh to Jamie.
“What happened?”
Returning hir phone to hir pocket, Jamie tried to smile.
“They... had a bit of a row apparently.”
Matt’s face fell.
“Really? Over the kiss?”
Josh shot Jamie a swift look, then replied, a little uncomfortable.
“There was more to it, I think. But I’m sure they’ll patch things up.”
Matt sat down and took a sip of his lager.
“Hope so. It’s Alex’s 21st in a few weeks, and then it’s the last term... It can’t end like this, can it?”
***
The train was late, which was serendipitous in the extreme as otherwise Allison wouldn’t have caught it.
No sooner had she found a seat, however, than a strange-looking man with greasy hair and a coat that looked approximately a hundred years old decided that she was his new confidante.
“It was aliens, you know!”
“I’m sorry?” she replied, and he tilted his head upwards, indicating the bland announcer welcoming new passengers aboard.
“They’re saying it was technical difficulties that delayed the train, but it was aliens. I saw something,” he gave her a significant look, “out there!”
Despite her very personal reasons for happily blaming everything on ‘bloody aliens’ (damn Jamie!), her logic won out.
“And why, exactly, would aliens delay this train? We’re hardly going to space.”
“Oooh they have their own reasons. You never know. Something is going to happen, mark my words. Something big. I can feel it... Just you wait and see!”
Deciding that life was too short for nutters on trains, she put in her ear phones and tried to concentrate on the mess that was her personal life.
Trying to work out exactly what the issue was (other than being angry and hurt - don't cry yet, she told herself), she thought it might be disappointment. She’d thought him... better than that. He had flaws, certainly, but she knew them. Flaws consistent with being a genius that could turn his hand to anything, not to mention all the issues arising from his parentage and upbringing.
Indeed, sometimes his genius was such that it almost made her think there had to be more to him than what met the eye...
She supposed that tonight had been an unwelcome eye opener. Despite all his brilliance, he was still fallible and far too human. Tempted by a pretty face and something different and exciting (something exciting enough to keep Josh enthralled) - yeah, he was just human.
Or, getting right down to it - just a man.
Still, she would have to make up a story for her parents. ‘He cheated on me with a half-alien’ wouldn’t work in any shape or form. What had her life come to that this was the reality of her situation? ‘Got drunk and kissed a boy’ would have to do. And it wasn’t even a lie...
Leaning back in the seat, 'I don’t want it to end’ came back to her, and her eyes hardened.
He’d have to fight for it.
TBC
(Crossing over to the Roda 'verse, this ficlet: Guileless Child 3/3 gives you an insight into his life away from Allison, and his first proper meeting with Roda. If you're not familiar with Roda, don't worry, the ficlet does a marvellous job of sketching in her background story.)
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Spring 2028
Characters (this chapter): Alex, Allison, Tenth Doctor, Josh, Jamie, Matt.
Rating: PG (some swearing)
Wordcount: 5700 words.
Feedback: Would make my day and more besides! <3
Chapter 20
Contrary to what Allison had imagined, life after Christmas became easier than before.
She had worried about Alex’s mental stability, but Boxing Day seemed to have been the worst of it, and in the days that followed he managed to find his equilibrium - although with subtle differences. He was more quiet, but also more content...
Regaining ‘his freedom’ (as he had put) didn’t result in him running off, leaving her on her own for the last half year of her studies - quite the opposite. So far he had avoided university as if it was a plague, immersing himself in endless projects - now, however, he came up with the idea of doing not just his BA, but also cramming in a Master’s degree as well as a Doctorate.
“In half a year?” she asked when he first told her, and he nodded happily.
“It’ll be tricky, but fun.”
“Um. Good luck with it...”
And somehow the Powers That Be agreed to his attempt. She didn’t know what he told them, but the upshot was that suddenly his study was full of books and papers, arranged in incredibly neat and organised piles; the clear evidence of a mind organised down to the last molecule - and which managed to project this outwards too. She tried not to be jealous. Her own study was... well, she knew where everything was. (She had banned him from entering and he tactfully never mentioned it.)
The other difference was the fact that his Uncle suddenly became a part of their lives.
It started a perfectly ordinary Saturday in late January. Alex had spent the best part of the morning rearranging the piles on his desk and adding several more, as well as cleaning the flat (which involved things such as removing invisible dust from all surfaces), when there was a knock on the door, immediately followed by Alex’s uncle sailing through it, coat billowing in his wake and hair like a rooster’s.
“Good morning!” he beamed, looking gorgeously tanned and fit as if he’d stepped in from a hot summer’s day and not cold January mists.
“Hi,” Allison said (grateful that she’d managed a shower and clothes), as Alex came out of the kitchen, drying a cup. But before he could say anything, Bob the Roomba scooted out from behind the sofa.
“Doctor. It truly is a pleasure to see you again. Hopefully you have been well?” it said, and somewhat to Allison’s surprise he crouched down and patted the dome.
“Bob! Good to see you too! Long time, no see, eh?”
“Indeed. Canine and Mr Smith send their greetings.”
(This made little sense - as Alex’s uncle was Mr Smith, and which dog was it talking about? - but then Allison suspected a few loose wires here or there. Now and again Bob would completely ignore the crumbs and just sit on a corner bleeping to itself and talking in code. Alex might be good at creating artificial intelligence, but even he had his limits...)
The uncle seemed unfazed however, and kept smiling.
“Tell them I’ll drop by soon - I’ve been... a little caught up.”
“Hello Doctor,” Alex cut in, pleasant, but obviously a bit cautious. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Jumping back to his feet his uncle answered, voice so light that even Allison could tell l that something was afoot.
“You asked me have a look at your PhD proposals, remember?”
“Right...” Alex replied. “Let me just put the tea towel away.”
As he vanished into the kitchen Allison stood up, feeling rather awkward (she was sort of the hostess, wasn’t she?) and holding out her hand.
“Um, it’s nice to see you again-”
“Just call me Doctor,” he replied, shaking her hand. “I’m pretty sure we established that last time.”
“OK, Doctor it is,” she said, as his smile dropped and he leaned forward.
“Is he OK?” he asked, nodding towards Alex and the kitchen, and Allison suddenly twigged that this was a ‘checking up on Alex’ visit.
When she got over the surprise she realised that she was both touched and grateful - she kept thinking that Alex was her responsibility, completely forgetting about his family. And the Doctor was very conscientious, she seemed to remember...
“Yes,” she said quickly and quietly. “He’s doing really well.”
A moment later Alex returned, and uncle and nephew walked off to Alex’s study - Allison following and hovering in the doorway, unable to help her amusement as the Doctor within mere moment reduced impeccable tidiness to chaos, Alex nearly tearing his hair out in frustration.
“No, no, no - maybe, maybe, definitely no-” the Doctor muttered, shuffling the piles around and casually throwing notes in the bin and missing, papers falling like leaves.
“Doctor!” Alex exclaimed, as he clamped his hands down over the Doctor’s. “Stop! Please, just... don’t touch anything. And what was wrong with the last one? That was my favourite!”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow, as Alex cautiously let go of his hands.
“You know exactly what was wrong with it. Stop pretending to be stupid.”
Picking up another proposal he scanned it casually, before shooting Alex another look.
“By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice the little stunt you pulled at NASA.”
Alex lowered his eyes, looking somewhere between stubborn and bashful.
“I only shaved off a year. And it was Adelaide. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done something similar...”
“Don’t presume to know what I would do!” the Doctor replied, slowly lowering the paper, and it was like a cloud passing across the sun, the temperature rapidly plummeting.
Alex shook his head, clearly unimpressed with his uncle’s dramatics.
“Right, just spit it out. What is this about?”
The Doctor didn’t move, but his reply had a visible effect on Alex.
“A certain ‘Christmas Hero’...”
Alex swallowed, eyes widening.
“I...”
“Do you have even the slightest idea how much damage you could have caused?” the Doctor asked, eyes fixed on Alex with thinly disguised anger, and voice coldly furious.
“We were really careful-” Alex began, but this time his uncle nearly exploded.
“Careful? Careful? You got lucky, that’s all! Far luckier than you deserve. One wrong step and-” he dragged his hands through his hair, somehow managing to make it even more gravity defying than before. “There could have been Reapers!”
Allison didn’t have a clue what any of this meant, but the impact on Alex was indisputable.
“Reapers?” he whispered, going pale. “I didn’t mean to... I just...”
He closed his eyes, head falling.
“I couldn’t let that boy die. Not after... everything. I had to save him. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
The Doctor, the anger falling off him in an instant, immediately wrapped up his nephew in a big hug.
“And you did. But next time - just ask for help. I’m always here.”
Alex nodded, head buried in the Doctor’s shoulder, and Allison quietly tiptoed out of the doorway. Inadvertedly she had been given the answer to several questions, as well as reassurance.
However he had done it, Alex had saved the little boy, but it had clearly been a stupendously dangerous undertaking. But he’d been called on it, and not argued, just agreed to not do it again... His uncle getting through to him was a relief she couldn’t quite quantify.
("What are Reapers?" she asked later, and Alex fidgeted. "Like... Black Ops? They only turn up if you really screw up on a monumental scale...")
She had thought the visit a one-off until the Doctor turned up the following week, mere minutes after Alex had left for a long meeting with Professor Trinder.
“Sorry, he’s going to be a while...” she said, but the Doctor only nodded.
“Good. It’s you I wanted to talk to.”
“Me?” she asked, and he nodded again. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” she replied, and after a moment of indecision he settled himself in an armchair.
“So... you wanted to talk?” Allison said, as she seated herself in the sofa, waiting for him to speak, and he leaned forward, elbows on knees.
“How... is he? How has he been these past few years? I’m not exactly an expert on child-rearing. I’ve tried to do my best, to give him as normal a childhood as I could. Give him what we could never have. But then...”
He buried his head in his hands momentarily, staring out through his fingers, eyes oddly lost. Eventually he lowered his hands again, speaking almost as if to himself.
“Then he... Well, it was all Jack’s doing really, but... Alexander was so incredibly stubborn about the whole thing I had no choice but to do something drastic. Asked his friends to keep an eye on him, which wasn’t the most ideal of arrangements, but then there was you which was a huge weight off my shoulders. Mostly though I’ve kept my distance. Given him some space. Which worked well enough until Christmas... I thought that keeping him here would keep him safe and sheltered. Comparatively, at least. But it’s too late now.”
Allison didn’t know what to say. It was a little like Christmas two years ago when her mother had talked to her like an adult for the first time... Seeing Alex’s uncle (the authority figure, the one he was rebelling against) as just a person, someone thrown into the deep end as father-figure for a child, and just trying his best was an eyeopener to say the least. There had been no guide book. No help. It was sobering.
The Doctor, unaware of her thoughts, kept talking. Clearly the ability to natter on was a family trait.
“He’s... too clever. That’s always been the problem, and I never knew what to do with him. His father, of course, just wants to exploit it, so I did my best to make sure he was happy and safe and loved. But the cleverness... What do you do with that? Figured it was better to make him aware, as that would hopefully make him cautious. Which it did, for the most part.”
A frown, as he pursed his lips and his eyes narrowed.
“That whole business with the ‘Christmas Hero’ is the first time he’s done anything genuinely hazardous. And don’t tell him this, but it was flawless... And he’s only 20, hardly more than a child and has barely even begun his proper teaching...”
Shaking his head, he sighed, and Allison finally managed to find her voice.
“Why are you telling me all this?”
He seemed surprised at the question, and then rather at a loss to answer it.
“Well...” he reached up and grabbed the back of his neck, studying her. “You love him. Yet you’re not in awe of him. And you challenge him. If only-”
He stopped, and she waited for a moment before prompting.
“If only?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just- nothing.” He dislodged his hand and waved a finger at her: “Actually I’ve been thinking about maybe trying to teach him a bit more of the family history - where he comes from, that kinda thing. Give him some proper perspective. There is a... distant relative who would be perfect, except she and his father have a... difficult back story. I’m not sure how she’ll react to him. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?”
He was being avoid-y, but really she couldn’t challenge him - he didn’t owe her anything, and this heart-to-heart was far more than she’d ever expected.
After that, he began to drop in regularly. Alex would roll his eyes and say something about him being ‘without a companion’, which Allison found a hilariously old-fashioned turn of phrase, but nevertheless he’d turn up more or less once a week, helping himself to anything in the kitchen and often staying the evening, playing cards or watching TV or whatever else he could think of. He seemed to have the attention span of a three year old, which was odd when considered in the light of... everything else.
One Wednesday night the Doctor decided that they were watching ‘A Matter of Life and Death’ - a film Allison had never even heard of, but that was apparently a classic. It centred around a WWII pilot who was supposed to have died, but didn’t, and there was lots of stopping time whilst characters discussed all the issues, and whether falling in love entitled the hero to a life despite the fact that he was technically dead... All of which Allison decided she could live without seeing through, as she had to get up early. Alex and the Doctor barely noticed when she went off to bed, being utterly swept up.
She had trouble getting to sleep, however, and decided that a glass of water might be necessary. Opening the bedroom door stealthily, she noticed that uncle and nephew were now sitting next to each other on the sofa, their backs to her and the glare from the TV dancing bright shadows across the walls, and she was just about to tiptoe out when Alex spoke, his voice so quiet that it immediately caught her attention, freezing her to the spot.
“Can you actually stop time?”
“Sure,” his uncle answered lightly. “Bit dull in the long run though. Could loop it, if you wanted - same day repeated, Groundhog Day style. Or make a pocket universe. Mind you, they’re complicated. And unstable. You’d just wink out of existence, and I believe that would rather defeat the object of the exercise...”
Alex nodded, and when he spoke his voice was oddly tight, as if he was fighting back tears.
“I don’t want it to end.”
“I know,” his uncle said, voice as soft as a caress, looping an arm around Alex’s shoulders. “I know.”
They fell silent after that, Alex resting his head on the Doctor’s shoulder, and Allison silently withdrew, the glass of water forgotten.
‘I don’t want it to end’...
What had he meant? Sure their life here at Cambridge was a little like living in a bubble, but the rest of their lives was a new sort of adventure waiting around the corner - different, but exciting and wonderful.
Maybe it was the Christmas trauma rearing its head again? She wanted to ask him, but it had been such a private moment that she didn’t want to admit to snooping, however accidentally.
Spring 2028
The last evening of term, and the Student Union bar was nicely crowded. Plenty of students had gone home already, but those that were left were happy to party twice as hard.
At one point someone got the jukebox to play ‘I Kissed a Boy and I Liked It’ (the latest version of about a million, and that was without counting the Katy Perry original with Girl instead of Boy), and every student in the place seemed to join in, singing loudly - and mostly off key - although it was the enthusiastic participation of Josh and Matt that made Allison take notice, especially as Alex had gone very quiet as they sang, winking at him. Jamie, of course, never sang, instead silently concentrating on hir gin and tonic.
“Go on then,” Josh eventually said, leaning forward, eyes dancing. “Tell us allllll about it. Was it good? It looked good to us...”
Alex looked from Josh to Matt, before his eyes narrowed, and when he spoke his voice was low and angry.
“How the hell...”
“Jack!” Josh said with a leer, Matt picking up the thread:
“It’s the screen saver on his phone. He didn’t really show us, we just... happened to see it.”
Alex was now staring at them, incredulous, although at least he seemed to know what they were talking about. Unlike Allison.
“He uses it as a screen saver?” he asked, as the other two were fighting giggles.
“Well,” Josh replied once he’d managed to find his voice again, “it was obviously a memorable moment. Thank the Lord for CCTV eh? Didn’t think about that, did you...”
For a moment Alex just sat there, seemingly frozen, before abruptly getting to his feet, turning to Allison.
“Allie - please excuse me. I need to go kill Jack. Should be back in not too long.”
However as he started walking away Matt jumped from his seat and did a proper rugby tackle, throwing Alex to the ground, before promptly sitting on him.
“Don’t kill Jack. Besides, we need a word with you.”
“Really?” Alex said, voice a little crushed.
“Oh yes. You’re a liar Alexander Saxon!”
“And what are you going to do? Tell your dad?”
Josh walked over and looked down at him, victory in his eyes.
“No. We just want you to admit it. Out loud. With no caveats.”
A beat, then Alex sighed deeply.
“Fine. I lied. To your faces. Repeatedly. I am not straight. As a matter of fact I am so far from straight that I am practically a circle. And now my last, tiny little shred of normality has been destroyed. Thank you. I hope you’re happy.”
Shooting Josh a victorious smile Matt stood up, letting Alex get up to a sitting position on the floor, whilst Josh shook his head.
“And what about us? Don’t you think we deserved the truth? All this time, all these years, I had you in the ‘unavailable’ box. Just... what a waste.”
Brow drawing together Alex studied him, with that unnerving concentration that Allison knew meant that the rest of the world had fallen away. The way he’d looked at Adelaide. A sort of breathless anticipation.
“Josh... are you serious? You’d have been interested?”
“Well I... might have been?” Josh replied, a touch of exasperation in his voice. “Dammit you’re... you!”
“I thought me being me was the problem,” Alex replied drolly and Josh seemed to hesitate.
“Well at least I would have known it was an option! I could have had the pleasure of... turning you down.”
Alex nodded slowly, strangely wary, but they were still focussed on each other to such an extent that Allison wanted to wave a hand in front of his face. There was this whole chunk of Alex that he shared with only his friends, a part she couldn’t reach - or rather, that he wouldn’t share with her. Something that allowed him and Josh to have a whole conversation that she was completely cut out of. (Conversation was not the right word. They were basically flirting. Right in front of her...)
Time to take charge.
“Josh - hands off Alex. Even the metaphorical ones.”
Glancing at Jamie, who was looking like sie was wishing hirself a million miles away, Allison shot Josh a significant look.
“And I don’t think your fiancée is too happy about this either. Now if you’ll excuse me I would like to talk to my boyfriend in private.”
Without waiting for any kind of reply she grabbed her coat with one hand and Alex with the other before steering him out of the Student Union, not stopping until she’d found a nice secluded bench where they could talk in peace.
For a moment she allowed herself to wish for a normal boyfriend, one where she didn’t have to explain everything all the time, one where she could have normal arguments about looking at scantily clad girls, not suddenly wanting to sleep with his best friend. And this one was easy compared to the thorny moral and ethical issues that cropped up on a regular basis.
‘More interesting’ Toby whispered in her head, and she closed her eyes and prayed that he was right.
Alex had stayed mercifully silent, waiting for her to say something.
“I... don’t even know where to start, although I suppose Jack would be as good a place as any. Were you planning on ever actually telling me that you’d been kissing him?”
“I didn’t kiss Jack!” he replied, indignantly. “He’s like my big brother, it’d be... wrong. I...” A delicate pause. “I kissed Ianto.”
“Okay, that’s just...” she stopped, trying to wrap her head around the revelation, “...weird. Alex... you not being straight is not exactly a surprise. But why did you lie to me?”
He sighed, and she could see the grief rear its head again.
“It was Christmas. I wanted to cheer Jack up. It seemed like a good idea. Plus, I was incredibly drunk. That’s not an excuse, I’d probably have done it anyway, but... So drunk. Can’t quite remember it as clearly as I’d like, I’m sad to say.”
“But why didn’t you tell me? A kiss is nothing compared to whatever it was you did saving that boy...”
He studied her for the longest moment, before he slowly shook his head, and if the earth had actually cracked open between them she couldn’t have felt him slip more out of her grasp.
“It was private,” he said eventually, and she threw her hands in the air.
“Alex we’re in a relationship! One kiss isn’t much, and really I don’t mind at all, but don’t lie to me! You can’t just label something ‘private’ and then keep it from me, that’s not how relationships work!”
He didn’t answer. Instead he just looked at her, completely still and silent, and she suddenly felt a chill going through her that had nothing to do with the cool evening air.
“Alex... Is there something you want to tell me?”
His eyes narrowed a fraction, like he was carefully weighing something in his mind, and when he spoke the cautiousness in his words was unmistakable.
“What if it was more than a kiss? Not in physical terms, but... Oh, I can’t describe it. Very intimate.”
She stared at him, uncomprehending.
“What the hell are you talking about? And what exactly did you and Ianto do?”
He waved his hand dismissively.
“I’m not talking about Ianto. That really was nothing more than a drunken kiss. I’m talking about... Jamie. And me.”
At first it didn’t make sense. Maybe it was all some sort of elaborate joke because she’d over reacted?
“Jamie? What do you mean? Josh’s Jamie?”
“Do you know any others?” he shot back, and she could only blink. Jamie was... Well, sie’d thawed somewhat, but Allison still had the distinct impression that anyone who tried it on and wasn’t Josh was likely to come away with a broken face. At least.
“I don’t understand. You... and Jamie? Are you serious?”
He simply nodded - as though it was a normal conversation; as though he wasn’t rapidly making the ground beneath her feet disappear. She was desperately trying to remember past interactions between Alex and Jamie, clues she might have missed, significant looks she hadn’t noticed at the time...
The only thing that sprang to mind was the first time they’d met up after Christmas. Jamie had laid a hand on Alex’s arm saying simply: “I heard. I’m sorry.” Alex had momentarily closed his eyes, before thanking hir, but other than that-
Oh. Jamie’s face only moments before. The discomfort hadn’t been discomfort. It had been guilt.
And she’d been so worried about Helena at the circus, and Adelaide at NASA - the real problem had been there all along, right under her nose...
“It was only the once,” he continued, studying her carefully, “and I still don’t know how to categorise it.”
Somewhere inside she was simultaneously going hot and cold. It wasn’t just the betrayal, it was the fact that she’d thought that he might be many things, but at least he was faithful... The truth was beyond bitter:
“You are unbelievable! Are you seriously trying to tell me that not only did you cheat on me, you cheated on me with your best friend’s fiancé?”
He was still much too quiet, and she wanted to shake him.
“Can I explain what actually happened? Because it’s not exactly what you think...”
“You did something you shouldn’t and then you lied about it. Seems pretty straightforward to me. I don’t really want the details.”
“Listen! It was the day after they got engaged-”
“The day after! Bloody hell. I thought it was something to do with acting out after seeing those people die. But no. You choose-”
“Let me finish!” he said, and she shut her mouth angrily. Damn him. Damn him to hell. And Jamie too. What a fantastic basis for marriage sie’d created.
“I invited Jamie over just to chat, since I figured sie might need someone to talk to. What with being so terrified.”
She could still hear the music from the Student Union, the chatter of happy voices. It was like a parallel world, utterly cut off from this bench in the darkness where everything seemed to be falling apart. Had she been happy just 5 minutes ago?
“Sorry what?”
“Jamie. Terrified. Remember me, Christmas before last? I know terrified of love when I see it. I thought I could help. And I did.”
And now he was casting himself in the role of hero. It just kept getting better!
“And you were so great that Jamie just decided to jump you in gratitude.”
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Metaphorically speaking, yes. Jamie is half-alien, remember. Half Star Poet, and highly telepathic. And sie... sang to me. Mind to mind.”
He briefly laid his fingertips on her temples, like something out of Star Trek, before letting his hands fall, voice dreamy as he continued, eyes distant and smiling at something only he could see.
“You know that part in the second movement of Concierto de Aranjuez - when the music builds and builds and then it all seems to... overflow, and it’s almost like a physical release, making you shiver? It was a bit like that, just... more. I really don’t have the words to describe it. But that’s the nearest. It was... unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”
Of course, she though to herself. Of course. Something new and different and unusual. He’d not go off and sleep with some busty chav, no he’d go for the weird alien... It made sense, but that didn’t really make it hurt any less. And she was familiar enough with sci-fi tropes to be able to label it.
“So it was mind sex, is what you’re saying?”
Abruptly snapped out of his mood, he refocussed on her, eyes darkening.
“I’m not going to let you turn it into something... sordid!”
Her jaw dropped, and her feelings immediately regained focus, irate and incredulous.
“Not going to let me-? Are you fucking kidding? You cheated on me, and you dare tell me how to label it?”
“It wasn’t human!” he shot back, with such feeling that she was genuinely taken aback. “You can’t use human labels!”
“But then what the hell am I supposed to use?”
A beat, as they stared at each other, furious, then the anger seemed to vanish as quickly as it had arrived and he shook his head, looking strangely lost.
“I don’t know. It’s one reason I never told you...”
Trying to steady herself, she took a few deep breaths, gathering her thoughts and attempting to get an overview of what he’d been saying.
“Are you even sorry?” she asked eventually, and he tilted his head, studying her very carefully.
“I’m sorry I lied about it. And I’m sorry you’re upset.”
“But you’re not sorry it happened?”
He shook his head.
“No.”
She had to bury her head in her hands to steady herself. It was the same as every other time. He couldn’t even see it. Or if he did, he just chose to ignore it...
Time to be brutal. This wasn’t about differing points of view or morals, it was about the two of them, and if they couldn’t work it out then they didn’t have a future:
“And that’s the problem. You put your... pleasure above my feelings!”
As his mouth fell open, she stood up, looking down on him, seething and hurt and determined not to give an inch.
“I suggest you do a lot of thinking about what exactly you want from this relationship. Because this? Is not OK.”
Taking a deep breath she quickly tried to work out what to do now... They’d not had any concrete plans, except for the fact that it was his birthday just after Easter. But as it was, she didn’t think she could share a bed with him just yet. Living together made things... difficult in ways she’d not anticipated.
Mind made up, she spoke.
“I think I’ll catch a late train and just head home. I need... some space. Maybe you could go stay with your uncle, as he seems to be the only person in your whole family who actually has a working moral compass.”
His eyes flickered at this, but then he reached out, catching her hand.
“But you and me? What does ‘space’ mean? Are you breaking up with me... Again?”
She leaned in then, studying him, the darkness rendering his face in hues of blue, and his soft brown eyes black and alien and unknowable.
“Not a chance. That would just let you off the hook. You are a goddamn genius Alex, there is no way the rules of relationships are too complicated for you. And if you love me at all you’re going to do a lot better from now on. Understood?”
He nodded, and she turned and walked away.
Matt had gone for more drinks as Jamie’s phone vibrated, and sie brought it out, seeing a new message from Alex.
‘Told Allie about you and me. She didn’t take it well. Am going to the Doctor’s for Easter. S.’
As Jamie absorbed the news, Josh leaned over, reading the message before sie could stop him. He frowned, lifting his eyes to study Jamie.
“You and Alex?”
This... was not how it was supposed to happen. Sie would have to be careful, as she seemed to have been thrown into confession mode with no hope of escape.
“I sang to him. As I told you, he showed me how to...” sie put a hand to Josh’s temple, letting the tiniest flicker of desire register before letting go, “...and I wanted to try it. That’s how I discovered that I could sing.”
“Right...”
Josh didn’t seem to know what to say. Singing was their private, their very own, special thing. Theirs and no one else’s...
“Sorry I never told you. But you had so many before me. And I had none. This way it felt... like we were even?”
“Even?” Josh asked, taken aback, and Jamie pressed hir advantage immediately.
“Besides... I didn’t want to make you jealous.”
Breathing an internal sigh of relief Jamie could see Josh’s mind flipping everything over, reassessing what sie had said, eyes changing from hostile to curious. Jamie could have kissed Alex (again) for the flirting earlier on - it had paved the way perfectly.
“What was it like?” Josh asked, and Jamie let hir mind slip back, delving into the memory with practised ease.
“It was like... touching eternity. Bright and golden and... impossible. He is... you have no idea.”
Josh looked thoroughly mesmerised, and Jamie hoped this would be sufficient to explain that the temptation had been utterly irresistible...
The moment was interrupted by Matt returning, balancing three glasses in his hands.
“The queues aren’t that bad, but I think everyone must have ordered 10 drinks each! I didn’t get anything for Alex and Allie, they can fight that battle themselves...”
Noticing the silence, he looked from Josh to Jamie.
“What happened?”
Returning hir phone to hir pocket, Jamie tried to smile.
“They... had a bit of a row apparently.”
Matt’s face fell.
“Really? Over the kiss?”
Josh shot Jamie a swift look, then replied, a little uncomfortable.
“There was more to it, I think. But I’m sure they’ll patch things up.”
Matt sat down and took a sip of his lager.
“Hope so. It’s Alex’s 21st in a few weeks, and then it’s the last term... It can’t end like this, can it?”
The train was late, which was serendipitous in the extreme as otherwise Allison wouldn’t have caught it.
No sooner had she found a seat, however, than a strange-looking man with greasy hair and a coat that looked approximately a hundred years old decided that she was his new confidante.
“It was aliens, you know!”
“I’m sorry?” she replied, and he tilted his head upwards, indicating the bland announcer welcoming new passengers aboard.
“They’re saying it was technical difficulties that delayed the train, but it was aliens. I saw something,” he gave her a significant look, “out there!”
Despite her very personal reasons for happily blaming everything on ‘bloody aliens’ (damn Jamie!), her logic won out.
“And why, exactly, would aliens delay this train? We’re hardly going to space.”
“Oooh they have their own reasons. You never know. Something is going to happen, mark my words. Something big. I can feel it... Just you wait and see!”
Deciding that life was too short for nutters on trains, she put in her ear phones and tried to concentrate on the mess that was her personal life.
Trying to work out exactly what the issue was (other than being angry and hurt - don't cry yet, she told herself), she thought it might be disappointment. She’d thought him... better than that. He had flaws, certainly, but she knew them. Flaws consistent with being a genius that could turn his hand to anything, not to mention all the issues arising from his parentage and upbringing.
Indeed, sometimes his genius was such that it almost made her think there had to be more to him than what met the eye...
She supposed that tonight had been an unwelcome eye opener. Despite all his brilliance, he was still fallible and far too human. Tempted by a pretty face and something different and exciting (something exciting enough to keep Josh enthralled) - yeah, he was just human.
Or, getting right down to it - just a man.
Still, she would have to make up a story for her parents. ‘He cheated on me with a half-alien’ wouldn’t work in any shape or form. What had her life come to that this was the reality of her situation? ‘Got drunk and kissed a boy’ would have to do. And it wasn’t even a lie...
Leaning back in the seat, 'I don’t want it to end’ came back to her, and her eyes hardened.
He’d have to fight for it.
TBC
(Crossing over to the Roda 'verse, this ficlet: Guileless Child 3/3 gives you an insight into his life away from Allison, and his first proper meeting with Roda. If you're not familiar with Roda, don't worry, the ficlet does a marvellous job of sketching in her background story.)
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Alex has dug himself quite a hole, and honestly I think he deserves most of the flack he's gotten. Mind you, I don't think Allison understands everything. Then again that's Alex's fault. I think she's right for making Alex work to fix things, but a part of me doesn't think it will truly be fixed until Allison knows the whole truth. Of course that is also the opinion of someone who isn't in a relationship, but it at least sounded good.
Thanks for another wonderful chapter, I look forward to seeing where things go from here.
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That makes me happy! And I hope this week is much better for you. <3
Alex has dug himself quite a hole, and honestly I think he deserves most of the flack he's gotten.
Oh yes. I hope his motivations/actions are understandable, but he hasn't taken the best path...
Mind you, I don't think Allison understands everything. Then again that's Alex's fault. I think she's right for making Alex work to fix things, but a part of me doesn't think it will truly be fixed until Allison knows the whole truth.
Spot-on. And Allison is pretty formidable. It's one reason he's so attracted to her, but he is also aware that it's a problem. You could see his confession here are a test, to see how she'd take a revelation about having lied to her... And the answer is of course: She really, really doesn't take it very well.
Of course that is also the opinion of someone who isn't in a relationship, but it at least sounded good.
It's perfectly sound advice! (People on the outside can often see things far more clearly.) The other thing of course is that they're just incredibly different - Allison has a stable and loving family, and (despite everything) doesn't really understand just how much Alex's background affects him. Both Josh/Jamie and Toby/Troy are mirrors in their own way, but in both those circumstances there are different factors that don't come into play with Allison & Alex... Stay tuned!
Thanks for another wonderful chapter, I look forward to seeing where things go from here.
Thank YOU for reading! ♥ And oh, the next chapter is one I've looked forward to writing since FOREVER! *is excited*
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(Other than Roda? I was very pleased with how I wove her in btw. And your fic has the perfect introduction! *draws hearts*)
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*sigh*
Loved this update. Hope he can work things out with her - and soon. Hoping he'll TELL her...
*HUGS*
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He has his issues, bless him. Plus, he is of course very young, and still very much trying to work everything out for himself - he is very lucky to have Allison as a stabilising force, although she's of course dealing with far more than she knows... (I got you to sigh - I'll count that as a successful update! *g*)
Loved this update.
♥
Hope he can work things out with her - and soon. Hoping he'll TELL her...
Stay tuned... ;)
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Listening to “Everything Means Something” as prep. Sorry, but did anyone think that Alex ever had a sense of proportion? :)
as well as a Doctorate.
– Because, really, why not, once you’ve got the first two?
Her own study was... well, she knew where everything was. (She had banned him from entering and he tactfully never mentioned it.)
– !!!
followed by Alex’s uncle sailing through it, coat billowing in his wake and hair like a rooster’s
– !!! (Shut up and stop trying to argue, Ten. That is *exactly* what it looks like.)
looking gorgeously tanned and fit as if he’d stepped in from a hot summer’s day and not cold January mists.
– “It's a time machine. We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates. Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.”
Canine and Mr Smith send their greetings.”
(This made little sense
– But as fan-service is gratefully accepted. :)
“Hello Doctor,” Alex cut in, pleasant, but obviously a bit cautious.
– I’ll bet he was. He presumably hasn’t been told off about Project Pitstop yet.
his uncle answered, voice so light that even Allison could tell l that something was afoot.
– !!!
And the Doctor was very conscientious, she seemed to remember...
– Absolutely. It’s just the being thick as two short planks in this context that is the problem. :)
unable to help her amusement as the Doctor within mere moment reduced impeccable tidiness to chaos, Alex nearly tearing his hair out in frustration.
– !!!
“Stop! Please, just... don’t touch anything. And what was wrong with the last one? That was my favourite!”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow, as Alex cautiously let go of his hands.
“You know exactly what was wrong with it. Stop pretending to be stupid.”
– Okay, obviously it gave the humans an advance they weren’t supposed to discover until later and by somebody else, but was there something specific?
“By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice the little stunt you pulled at NASA.”
– Right on schedule...
“Don’t presume to know what I would do!” the Doctor replied, slowly lowering the paper, and it was like a cloud passing across the sun, the temperature rapidly plummeting.
Alex shook his head, clearly unimpressed with his uncle’s dramatics.
– Four to the Pirate Captain: “Hard to listen, isn't it, Captain, when someone's got a finger on a nerve. What is it you're really up to?” Interesting to see the same technique work against the Doctor...
“Careful? Careful? You got lucky, that’s all! Far luckier than you deserve. One wrong step and-” he dragged his hands through his hair, somehow managing to make it even more gravity defying than before.
– And Ten channels Six for an instant.
“I couldn’t let that boy die. Not after... everything.
– We never see this “onscreen”, right? ETA: ah, in chapter 22. Got it.
His uncle getting through to him was a relief she couldn’t quite quantify.
– Oh, how little she knows. Four and Scaroth: “I can’t let you fool about with time.” “What else do you ever do?”
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LOL. His proportions are just vastly different to everyone else's. :) (Love that song. Love love love.)
– Because, really, why not, once you’ve got the first two?
Exactly.
– !!! (Shut up and stop trying to argue, Ten. That is *exactly* what it looks like.)
And it must be on purpose.
– “It's a time machine. We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates. Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.”
*g*
– But as fan-service is gratefully accepted. :)
Fan service is why we write...
– I’ll bet he was. He presumably hasn’t been told off about Project Pitstop yet.
But he will in about 2 minutes.
– Absolutely. It’s just the being thick as two short planks in this context that is the problem. :)
Well, he's Ten. You can hold that against him, but it won't do much good.
– Okay, obviously it gave the humans an advance they weren’t supposed to discover until later and by somebody else, but was there something specific?
Um, no idea. Make something up.
– Four to the Pirate Captain: “Hard to listen, isn't it, Captain, when someone's got a finger on a nerve. What is it you're really up to?” Interesting to see the same technique work against the Doctor...
Kids...
– And Ten channels Six for an instant.
I have never watched Six. I really should.
– Oh, how little she knows. Four and Scaroth: “I can’t let you fool about with time.” “What else do you ever do?”
Well, the Doctor DOES get through to him. ;)
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– Obviously it’s what is happening, but it is so difficult to imagine the Doctor, the rebel, as the authority figure to be rebelled against.
someone thrown into the deep end as father-figure for a child, and just trying his best was an eyeopener to say the least. There had been no guide book. No help. It was sobering.
– And everybody’s growing up continues.
I never knew what to do with him. His father, of course, just wants to exploit it, so I did my best to make sure he was happy and safe and loved.
– Is it as telling as it feels that the Doctor did his best to make sure he was happy and safe and loved *because* the Master was trying to exploit it? So Alex is like the time-flow analogue experiments that Three and Delgado!Master reminisce about mutually thwarting? No wonder Alex was fed up. This goes back to my problem of wanting the Doctor to be more insightful because he’s The Doctor, to which Amy would rightfully retort, “It's just what they're called. It doesn't mean he actually knows what he's doing.” Except he did have children before, though we don’t know how his child and Susan’s parent was raised, and maybe he wasn’t involved in the upbringing. And in any case it was almost a thousand years ago and maybe he’s forgotten. But it feels as though he ought not to have made such a pig’s breakfast of Alex’s upbringing as he did.
And don’t tell him this, but it was flawless... And he’s only 20, hardly more than a child and has barely even begun his proper teaching...”
– !!! “proper teaching” because human university is chopped liver, obviously...
“Well...” he reached up and grabbed the back of his neck, studying her. “You love him. Yet you’re not in awe of him. And you challenge him. If only-”
He stopped, and she waited for a moment before prompting.
“If only?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just- nothing.”
– And on that “If only” so much hangs. It’s heartbreaking. Just tell her the truth, one of you, please. (And yes, I know, Rule One, and even if not for that the Doctor might think it Alex’s secret to tell, but... so frustrating.)
He was being avoid-y, but really she couldn’t challenge him - he didn’t owe her anything, and this heart-to-heart was far more than she’d ever expected.
– I’m just going to sit here having my heart broken by Allison. Don’t mind me.
He seemed to have the attention span of a three year old, which was odd when considered in the light of... everything else.
– Obviously Allison hasn’t watched “The Power of Three”, either. :) Why does Allison think it odd, though? Because the Doctor has maintained this punishment for two and a half years when with the attention span of a three year old he might have been expected to forget after four months? Which of course just means she hasn’t seen “The Family of Blood” either...
“I don’t want it to end.”
“I know,” his uncle said, voice as soft as a caress, looping an arm around Alex’s shoulders. “I know.”
They fell silent after that, Alex resting his head on the Doctor’s shoulder, and Allison silently withdrew, the glass of water forgotten.
– Okay, equal opportunity heart-break now, working for all three of them.
Thank the Lord for CCTV eh?
– They have CCTV inside Torchwood?? Oh, hang on, it’s Torchwood. The top-secret organization with the name of the organization on their SUVs. Of course they have CCTV. Sorry, lost it for a moment.
There was this whole chunk of Alex that he shared with only his friends, a part she couldn’t reach - or rather, that he wouldn’t share with her.
– And, finally, we decide that enough is this is enough. Go, Allison!
one where she could have normal arguments about looking at scantily clad girls, not suddenly wanting to sleep with his best friend.
‘More interesting’ Toby whispered in her head, and she closed her eyes and prayed that he was right.
– !!! For both of them. Brothers and sisters, as I’ve said before.
“I didn’t kiss Jack!” he replied, indignantly.
– Count of three, and then, in chorus: “Why does everybody think that??” And, drink.
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I think this is part of the issue? The Doctor is, by his nature, the 'fun' one. Having to be The Authority doesn't sit well with him.
– Is it as telling as it feels that the Doctor did his best to make sure he was happy and safe and loved *because* the Master was trying to exploit it? So Alex is like the time-flow analogue experiments that Three and Delgado!Master reminisce about mutually thwarting? No wonder Alex was fed up.
*nods* That's it, very much. From Chapter 4 of the original 'Not the Last':
'The Master had surprised him by following every rule to the letter, but sadly the Doctor had not been able to stop him filling the boy’s head with dangerous dreams... He had not foreseen the Master fighting over the boy through the boy, and there was nothing he, the Doctor, could do. The child was still too young to understand the darkness of his father's actions, and not for all the world did the Doctor want to ruin his innocence.'
This goes back to my problem of wanting the Doctor to be more insightful because he’s The Doctor, to which Amy would rightfully retort, “It's just what they're called. It doesn't mean he actually knows what he's doing.” [...] But it feels as though he ought not to have made such a pig’s breakfast of Alex’s upbringing as he did.
I think he would probably have done a lot better if the circumstances had been better and if Alex had been anyone except who he is. The Doctor is, after all, bringing up the son of his arc-enemy, with said arc-enemy fighting him every step of the way. He does his best, and I think Alex realises this, but he is still very very alone in his duty. He could have done far, far worse. Again from Chapter 4:
'Oh he could save the world, easily, could cope in the most heated of situations, but this day-to-day stuff, juggling all these people and trying to raise a child without letting his parents ruin him was incredibly difficult and frustrating - as was constantly having to hold him back'.
– !!! “proper teaching” because human university is chopped liver, obviously...
Human university is not quite on par with the Academy on Gallifrey that was...
– And on that “If only” so much hangs. It’s heartbreaking. Just tell her the truth, one of you, please. (And yes, I know, Rule One, and even if not for that the Doctor might think it Alex’s secret to tell, but... so frustrating.)
Sadly I can no longer remember what that 'If only' would have ended with.
– I’m just going to sit here having my heart broken by Allison. Don’t mind me.
*pets* EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER. WITH RAINBOW SPARKLES.
– Obviously Allison hasn’t watched “The Power of Three”, either. :) Why does Allison think it odd, though? Because the Doctor has maintained this punishment for two and a half years when with the attention span of a three year old he might have been expected to forget after four months? Which of course just means she hasn’t seen “The Family of Blood” either...
I think it's more that she's trying to work out how these people function, she knows that Alex can be infinitely patient, and that the Doctor is some sort of Special Agent - so how can he be so easily bored? And where has he been for 2 1/2 years? etc.
– Okay, equal opportunity heart-break now, working for all three of them.
♥ ♥ ♥
– They have CCTV inside Torchwood?? Oh, hang on, it’s Torchwood. The top-secret organization with the name of the organization on their SUVs. Of course they have CCTV. Sorry, lost it for a moment.
The CCTV inside Torchwood is canon, oh yes.
– And, finally, we decide that enough is this is enough. Go, Allison!
Except she doesn't like what she discovers...
– !!! For both of them. Brothers and sisters, as I’ve said before.
Aaaand I was going to send you Troy's story, wasn't I? Um...
– Count of three, and then, in chorus: “Why does everybody think that??” And, drink.
CHEERS!
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– q.v. from another post about the Doctor and children, http://elisi.livejournal.com/869719.html, “AMY: So is this how it works, Doctor? You never interfere in the affairs of other peoples or planets, unless there's children crying?” / “And because of children’s nightmares, the Doctor intervenes and changes children’s lives. Here’s a handful of examples:”
And the Master would know the Doctor’s reverence for childhood, and would therefore know that at the beginning he would have a free hand because the Doctor would not interfere, even if Alex’s innocence was already being ruined, and it might have been more helpful if the Doctor had treated Alex as an adult – as everyone else was sort of doing – but he couldn’t, and the Master would know that he couldn’t. The Master turning his oldest enemy’s strength into a weakness. Quite brilliant. Also, terrifying.
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The Doctor can't tell Alex why what his father is doing is wrong, without explaining what it all means, but explaining will ruin said innocence, so he's pretty helpless...
Perfect catch-22, and the Master knows it, and exploits it.
This could... Also explain why he's so hesitant to discuss sex etc. I think it's the fact that the Doctor has ideals, that he tries his best to follow a moral code - whereas the Seeker likes facts, and is extremely pragmatic. (Tenth Doctor was probably the worst Doctor to bring him up. But hey ho, that's the one that was around at the time...) As I've said before, I was very pleased when the show began to look at how the Doctor could negatively impact a child's life (Amy, River) - esp River what with the Time Headedness.
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“It was private,” he said eventually, and she threw her hands in the air.
“Alex we’re in a relationship! One kiss isn’t much, and really I don’t mind at all, but don’t lie to me! You can’t just label something ‘private’ and then keep it from me, that’s not how relationships work!”
– Again, and I understand that part of the trouble is that Alex is partly or started out as treating this as a scientific experiment, but wouldn’t whatever preliminary research Alex did on the subject have brought out that no sealed-off boxes is an expectation of human relationships? I can’t understand how this could come as a surprise. And maybe at first it was mostly a scientific experiment and he didn’t care, but by chapter 13 when Alex says to Troy “This is... the jackpot of families. They have their quirks, but I’m hanging in with everything I’ve got.”, shouldn’t he be regulating himself to fit more closely into what Allison expects a human relationship to work like, as part of hanging in with everything he’s got? Yes, the Doctor and River lie to each other, but that is presumably mostly to stop the web of time from ripping to shreds.
He didn’t answer. Instead he just looked at her, completely still and silent, and she suddenly felt a chill going through her that had nothing to do with the cool evening air.
– looks for a cushion or something to hold on to, as this is not going to be pleasant...
“Alex... Is there something you want to tell me?”
His eyes narrowed a fraction, like he was carefully weighing something in his mind, and when he spoke the cautiousness in his words was unmistakable.
– I hardly know where to begin.
“What if it was more than a kiss? Not in physical terms, but... Oh, I can’t describe it. Very intimate.”
– Really? That’s what you’re starting with? You don’t think “Remember how Jamie is half-alien? I’m actually entirely alien, and by the way, Jack really is a time-traveller from the far future.” is more relevant, in terms of all the lies that you’ve told so far?
He simply nodded - as though it was a normal conversation; as though he wasn’t rapidly making the ground beneath her feet disappear.
– A totally different world.
She was desperately trying to remember past interactions between Alex and Jamie, clues she might have missed, significant looks she hadn’t noticed at the time...
– This.
“Can I explain what actually happened? Because it’s not exactly what you think...”
“You did something you shouldn’t and then you lied about it. Seems pretty straightforward to me.
– What she said.
She could still hear the music from the Student Union, the chatter of happy voices. It was like a parallel world, utterly cut off from this bench in the darkness where everything seemed to be falling apart. Had she been happy just 5 minutes ago?
– And this.
And now he was casting himself in the role of hero. It just kept getting better!
– ...
It was... unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
– No, Seeker, we get that you’re the Seeker at this point, but you forget that Allison still thinks that you’re Alex. And it is hard to believe that you being able to forget this means that you don’t care enough to remember. Which I know contradicts what you said in chapter 13 about hanging on with everything you’ve got, but so does this behaviour, so...
He’d not go off and sleep with some busty chav, no he’d go for the weird alien... It made sense, but that didn’t really make it hurt any less.
– ...
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I don't think it's a surprise to him. Jamie brings it up immediately, and he is unsure how to make the two worlds (dancing/singing) line up together. Now this is sort of where writing the George story has been useful, because I'm getting a look at (younger) teenaged Alex, and I can trace his development. From previous stories:
It's a development from unconscious 'leaning' (not really mind control) age 4, to more deliberate leaning age 6, to quite deliberate leaning & manipulation for own purposes age 8, to 'experimental' manipulation age 11, sort of using humans as 'test subjects' as they're all around him and interesting and he doesn't really understand them. And a) the results tell him interesting fact and b) help him blend in better, should he want to. (I keep thinking of 'living with otters' which isn't quite the same, but not incorrect either.
Now the thing about Allison is that he decides to conduct the relationship 'as a human'. Partly because he wants to experience it 'from the inside' (rather than sticking electrodes on his friend's head, he'll experience it all himself) and partly because - as he tells Josh - he wants them to be equals. If he says 'Oh I'm alien, like Jamie, that's why' he steps outside the boundaries of the human/human relationship, and Allison will hold him to different standards, and the whole point is that the standards are the same. Of course he tries to stretch the boundaries, but he does it from within their shared world. (Which is why it often doesn't fit.) But he wants to be judged on human merits, which might be stupid of him, but there it is. There is method in it.
Aaaand now I have overstretched my lunch, and will get myself back to work! Will try to write more later, but as we're going out for a meal tonight as it's my mother's birthday, I'm not holding my breath...
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– Still lots of things here to mull over, but this quote suddenly started reverberating against this:
“… And you are trying to tell me, very delicately, that it might be safer if we camouflaged your interest.”
“Safer for you.”
“Yes – though I can’t see why you think so. But you’re sure I’d rather die than make such an embarrassing pretence.”
“Well, wouldn’t you?”
“And on the whole you’d rather see me dead than embarrassed.”
“That is probably another form of egotism. But I am entirely at your service.”
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Also minor point: When Alex does step out of their shared human world, he tends not to make excuses or to explain himself much. Like the paparazzi situation - he just says 'This is how things are, take it or leave it'. This is when saying 'I'm alien' would help, but he doesn't 'take that out', as it were.
ETA: What I mean is, he doesn't try to justify himself within a human framework. This of course comes to a head here, when he is pushed on the issue and he throws it back at her - 'It wasn't human, you can't use human labels'. And she, in return, but her finger exactly on the sore spot, because what else can she use.
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And yes. The Ten / John Smith parallel feels clearer and clearer over the next sixteen chapters, particularly when he bids the mask farewell and later talks about not being able to put it back on again. And I see how Allison comes to accept it, comes to see how it all fits together and is perhaps sufficiently more science-y (or just a sufficiently better person) that the fact of it all fitting together almost makes up for the three years of lying. And yes, showing her that she too could put her pleasure above the feelings of another person she cared about was useful in showing her how to be bigger about it than I am being.
ETA: partly parallel partly contrast, because of course while Ten was John Smith he was entirely human – he wasn’t lying – he was only in one world at once, whereas Seeker/Alex was always in both at the same time, and knew what he was doing.
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I thought that might be it, but was wary of leaping to conclusions.
And yes. The Ten / John Smith parallel feels clearer and clearer over the next sixteen chapters, particularly when he bids the mask farewell and later talks about not being able to put it back on again.
It's a flawed simile, but useful to keep in mind.
And I see how Allison comes to accept it, comes to see how it all fits together and is perhaps sufficiently more science-y (or just a sufficiently better person) that the fact of it all fitting together almost makes up for the three years of lying.
Well, there is the fact that she sort of gets overwhelmed with it all...
And yes, showing her that she too could put her pleasure above the feelings of another person she cared about was useful in showing her how to be bigger about it than I am being.
Allison is (deliberately) an example of the Seeker turning her into himself, the same way the Doctor turns his Companions into the Doctor. With nearly the all the same attendant issues and problems. But she gets to see the world 'through his eyes' before coming to a point of making up her mind.
ETA: partly parallel partly contrast, because of course while Ten was John Smith he was entirely human – he wasn’t lying – he was only in one world at once, whereas Seeker/Alex was always in both at the same time, and knew what he was doing.
But only a teenager, not 900/30s.
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Yes and no... She is right in her assessment of him just being beguiled and straying just because it was there, because Jamie offered - he could have pulled away, but he didn't. Very typical bloke, in that regard. Otherwise, then yes he adores her family and so forth, but this is Spring, and they have mere months left before the end of university. He can see the end. And he never expects it to last - I think that's key. Weighing the odds, he figures she'll leave. This very much plays into his reveal, he is slowly telling her more truths - and she (not surprisingly) reacts very badly [to this one].
– looks for a cushion or something to hold on to, as this is not going to be pleasant...
*hands you twenty teddy bears*
– I hardly know where to begin.
Because it's so calculated?
– Really? That’s what you’re starting with? You don’t think “Remember how Jamie is half-alien? I’m actually entirely alien, and by the way, Jack really is a time-traveller from the far future.” is more relevant, in terms of all the lies that you’ve told so far?
The subject is cheating. So that's where he starts.
– A totally different world.
With different rules. Although these rules are more 51st Century than 'alien'. (Maybe he should have brought that up...)
– This.
There really aren't any. Bloody telepaths.
– What she said.
And she's not wrong.
– No, Seeker, we get that you’re the Seeker at this point, but you forget that Allison still thinks that you’re Alex. And it is hard to believe that you being able to forget this means that you don’t care enough to remember. Which I know contradicts what you said in chapter 13 about hanging on with everything you’ve got, but so does this behaviour, so...
The problem is that he is being honest. And he's not good at... cushioning. She wants to know, he'll let her know.
Other issue: In his head, the perfect solution to the whole issue is a foursome. Jamie, thanks to Jack's influence on Josh's upbringing, pulls the same card, and it works a treat. Allison - who is really NOT au fait with 51st Century morals or relationship conduct - does in no way pick up on the fact that this is [indirectly] supposed to entice her and is instead alienated and hurt far more.
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Also, didn’t see Alex’s perfect solution coming, even with the Jamie parallel – though given Jamie’s gratitude for Alex’s flirting having paved the way, can now see that this was pre-planned on Alex’s part, like mentioning Marcus Aurelius to Clara much later. And the fact that it’s so difficult for him to keep his own different contexts together is perhaps some explanation for how he just sometimes doesn’t get Allison’s context.
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Yes, he is not so much lying as trying his best to make Troy believe that it's real. Because he knows Troy needs it, and can have it.
Also, didn’t see Alex’s perfect solution coming, even with the Jamie parallel – though given Jamie’s gratitude for Alex’s flirting having paved the way, can now see that this was pre-planned on Alex’s part, like mentioning Marcus Aurelius to Clara much later.
Ah, no, this is vastly different. 300 year old Seeker setting up a carefully orchestrated and pre-planned meeting with someone he has carefully re-searched is miles and miles from 20 year old Seeker who has just been taken completely by surprise and is busy trying to work out what this now means...
'Foursome yay!' was a very crude shorthand really. The main point is that Josh and Alex have had... issues ever since Josh found out about what Alex was - specifically/initially the Doctor's role in the Time War, but it made him very wary of the sort of power Time Lords have and what they can do with it. Then of course there was the whole Keeping Secrets thing, which didn't help. But now - purely by chance, thanks to that CCTV - there is this huge development. Josh saying that he might consider getting together with Alex [if there were no such things are fiances and girlfriends] suddenly changes things on a fundamental level. It fixes/repairs a part of their friendship that Alex thought lost forever (quite apart from the fact that Josh is very attractive physically, which opens up a whole new dimension) - so Alex [and Josh] isn't /aren't] just 'flirting', they're reassessing their friendship and interactions and what this means on all sorts of different levels. Alex, in many ways, feels 'forgiven' (not quite the right word, but I'm sure you get my drift)/as if he's gotten a fresh chance and his mind is completely taken over by this as Allison drags him away. (It's a reconciliation - that's the word I was thinking of!)
Essentially his head is full of 'Josh said that if we weren't both with other people he might be dating me - except Jamie would too, so that means both of them...' so he, impulsively, decides to share a little bit more of the truth (Josh has come round - to an extent he never anticipated - so maybe he dares to let Allison another step closer). Except he is completely in his own frame of mind, not taking Allison's world view into account. He knows that 'cheating' is generally frowned up, but doesn't really understand the extent to which it is also incredibly hurtful - from his point of view he had a wonderful experience that he knows might be a little out there and borderline, but has no concept of how it's coming across to Allison. (Very clever/clueless idiot.)
She is, basically, 100% spot-on with him putting his pleasure above her feelings. And - for once - he will go on to concede the point and actually grasp, if not the actual thing she was trying to get him to see, then at least the fact that he does not get to have nice things just because he can, without considering others.
(Hope this isn't too muddled. It's been written in stages.)
ETA: Also I just want to point out that although she doesn't know The Truth she is now very familiar with how his world operates:
'...one where she could have normal arguments about looking at scantily clad girls, not suddenly wanting to sleep with his best friend.'
'Still, she would have to make up a story for her parents. ‘He cheated on me with a half-alien’ wouldn’t work in any shape or form. What had her life come to that this was the reality of her situation?'
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“I’m not going to let you turn it into something... sordid!”
Her jaw dropped, and her feelings immediately regained focus, irate and incredulous
– No, Seeker, Alex, remember? The Ten / John Smith parallel from “Human Nature” / “Family of Blood” just turned up, but it isn’t helping, because Ten didn’t know that John Smith would fall in love. The Seeker / Alex line feels more blurred: yes, the Seeker might not have expected Alex to fall in love, but once he was in it, he was knowingly both the Seeker and Alex, unlike John Smith, who could perfectly innocently fall in love because he didn’t know he would only be existing for three months...
“Not going to let me-? Are you fucking kidding? You cheated on me, and you dare tell me how to label it?”
– And this.
“It wasn’t human!” he shot back, with such feeling that she was genuinely taken aback. “You can’t use human labels!”
– And we go back to the uneasy suspicion that Time Lords do really regard humans as insects when the Gauntlets of Rassilon are off...
“But then what the hell am I supposed to use?”
– Because, dear lover mine, you still haven’t told me that you’re an alien, remember?
“Are you even sorry?” she asked eventually, and he tilted his head, studying her very carefully.
– Oh, Seeker. Oh, you stupid alien man.
She had to bury her head in her hands to steady herself. It was the same as every other time. He couldn’t even see it. Or if he did, he just chose to ignore it...
– Not stupid, our Allison. And has filed them all away somewhere in her head where she chooses not to look at them too often, clearly...
Time to be brutal. This wasn’t about differing points of view or morals, it was about the two of them, and if they couldn’t work it out then they didn’t have a future:
“And that’s the problem. You put your... pleasure above my feelings!”
As his mouth fell open, she stood up, looking down on him, seething and hurt and determined not to give an inch.
“I suggest you do a lot of thinking about what exactly you want from this relationship. Because this? Is not OK.”
– And he did, and it is. Well done, Allison. (He might say it was his scientific curiosity that he put above her feelings, but it wouldn’t really make it any better.)
Maybe you could go stay with your uncle, as he seems to be the only person in your whole family who actually has a working moral compass.
– I... would probably need to think a long time about whether I agreed with this statement. (Either in terms of the Seeker not having one or in terms of the Doctor having one.) But I agree from Allison’s point of view it is apt.
She leaned in then, studying him, the darkness rendering his face in hues of blue, and his soft brown eyes black and alien and unknowable.
– Usefully ambiguous word, “alien”, in this context.
“Not a chance. That would just let you off the hook. You are a goddamn genius Alex, there is no way the rules of relationships are too complicated for you. And if you love me at all you’re going to do a lot better from now on. Understood?”
– Go, Allison! And she’s quite right. He ought to have been able to predict this and prevent it. The fact that he didn’t...
Lucky that sie'd already tried to work out what to say
– Um.
Jamie could have kissed Alex (again) for the flirting earlier on - it had paved the way perfectly.
– And given how in later versions this would have been deliberate, you have to pause and wonder whether it was in this case too...
Josh shot Jamie a swift look, then replied, a little uncomfortable.
“There was more to it, I think. But I’m sure they’ll patch things up.”
– Bless him.
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More blurred, also vastly younger.
– And this.
She is spot-on.
– And we go back to the uneasy suspicion that Time Lords do really regard humans as insects when the Gauntlets of Rassilon are off...
Not that I don't love the Gauntlet of Rassilon, but I'm not sure how this applies to 'You can't use human labels', which is essentially the Seeker having stepped out of the human world and unable to bridge the gap as there is no vocabulary. He tells her on the spur of the moment, without thinking it through, and then ends up in a bind.
– Because, dear lover mine, you still haven’t told me that you’re an alien, remember?
Even so - it's probably still cheating.
– Oh, Seeker. Oh, you stupid alien man.
Ayup.
– Not stupid, our Allison. And has filed them all away somewhere in her head where she chooses not to look at them too often, clearly...
M-hm. She knows that if she does examine it all, and force the issues, they'll probably end up where they were with the paparazzi guy.
– And he did, and it is. Well done, Allison. (He might say it was his scientific curiosity that he put above her feelings, but it wouldn’t really make it any better.)
She is pretty amazing right here. It's exactly the right approach, and you can (if you want a Gaudy Night parallel) compare it to Peter's handling of his nephew.
– I... would probably need to think a long time about whether I agreed with this statement. (Either in terms of the Seeker not having one or in terms of the Doctor having one.) But I agree from Allison’s point of view it is apt.
Heh. Yes, it's very much Allison's POV. Otherwise it's a tangle and a mess.
– Usefully ambiguous word, “alien”, in this context.
I like words.
– Go, Allison! And she’s quite right. He ought to have been able to predict this and prevent it. The fact that he didn’t...
Well it happened, so that's that. All he could do was lie about it, or tell the truth. Of course he basically handed Jamie some matches and Jamie then lit a fire which he didn't put out (and maybe he should have expected the fire...), but the fact is that he allowed himself to be seduced.
– Um.
Sie was probably always intending to tell Josh once Alex came clean. So - since hir relationship with Josh is permanent sie's tried to be prepared. (There you go - Jamie was more organised/prepared than Alex!)
– And given how in later versions this would have been deliberate, you have to pause and wonder whether it was in this case too...
Like I say above - really not planned at all. Alex is on the backfoot throughout, pretty much. Even in talking to Allie he screws up.
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“It was aliens, you know!”
– I get that this is just a random nutter, and the fact that I want it to be Seven in deep cover is entirely my own problem.
Despite her very personal reasons for happily blaming everything on ‘bloody aliens’ (damn Jamie!), her logic won out.
– Jamie, because of course he still hasn’t told her. Poor stupid pillock...
Indeed, sometimes his genius was such that it almost made her think there had to be more to him than what met the eye...
– What did Martha say to Joan at the dance? “ And sometimes he says these strange things, like people and places you've never heard of, yeah? But it's deeper than that. Sometimes when you look in his eyes you know, you just know that there's something else in there. Something hidden. Right behind the eyes, something hidden away in the dark.” / “the awful thing is it doesn't even matter what you think. But you're nice. And you're lucky. And I just wanted to say sorry for what I'm about to do.” That’s what this story needs, or not needs, rather, because the story is doing heartbreaking perfectly well on its own, but someone like Martha who knew the alien-ness and the unintentional thoughtless-ness and who could cushion the blow for Allison would have been a kindness.
Despite all his brilliance, he was still fallible and far too human. Tempted by a pretty face and something different and exciting (something exciting enough to keep Josh enthralled) - yeah, he was just human.
Or, getting right down to it - just a man.
– Ouch. Oh, Allison. (Pets Allison gently.)
Leaning back in the seat, 'I don’t want it to end’ came back to her, and her eyes hardened.
He’d have to fight for it.
– And the terrifying thing is, he won’t understand that at all. He’s a goddamn genius, and he just won’t get it.
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... I had never thought of that. Although since I love Seven, that could be neat. Also, whoever-he-is, he is absolutely right. It's very subtle, but the train is delayed just enough for Allison to catch it - and that was Alex's doing.
– Jamie, because of course he still hasn’t told her. Poor stupid pillock...
Well, she is perfectly correct in her 'Bloody aliens!' grousing. Even more than she knows. ;)
That’s what this story needs, or not needs, rather, because the story is doing heartbreaking perfectly well on its own, but someone like Martha who knew the alien-ness and the unintentional thoughtless-ness and who could cushion the blow for Allison would have been a kindness.
Josh could have been that, I think, and semi-fulfils that role, except he has his own issues, and they develop at a different rate to hers. Or maybe Matt...
– Ouch. Oh, Allison. (Pets Allison gently.)
This is sort of where she goes wrong? As in, she (not being stupid) thinks there might be more to him. But doesn't take into account that 'more' can still include bloke-ish stupidity.
– And the terrifying thing is, he won’t understand that at all. He’s a goddamn genius, and he just won’t get it.
Not quite sure I get what you mean...
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and that was Alex's doing.
– Totally missed that. The trouble with random nutters is that you tend to dismiss them, even if they are right. Now I wonder what he did see out there...
Not quite sure I get what you mean...
– Oh, just that without Roda, I’m not sure the Seeker would have figured out that an apology was in order. As Allison says earlier, he’s a goddamn genius, there’s no way the rules of relationships are too complicated for him, but I doubt that his original terribly clever, with subheadings and everything, letter was an apology...
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Well I didn't really expect people to pick up on it. But it was there for a reason. (Also meant to refer to the nutter in Chapter 21, with Allison saying something about this weirdo having said the thing about aliens delaying the train and 'something big coming' and Alex was supposed to look at her like 'WHY DID YOU KEEP THIS FROM ME?!?' But I forgot.)
Now I wonder what he did see out there...
Possibly he's a little psychic and can see stuff that's shielded, or maybe he saw a little of Alex's spaceship or... something. Make something up! :) (If it was Seven, he would of course pick up on 'something out there'.)
– Oh, just that without Roda, I’m not sure the Seeker would have figured out that an apology was in order.
Aah, gotcha.
As Allison says earlier, he’s a goddamn genius, there’s no way the rules of relationships are too complicated for him, but I doubt that his original terribly clever, with subheadings and everything, letter was an apology...
I have a draft of it somewhere. I wonder if I can find it... ETA: Ha! Yes, I've got it. Do you want it now, or with the next chapter?
Also have been mulling over a particular bit of story we never saw, and came across the start of a ficlet for it. Am v. pleased.
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– Oh golly, yes. In the context of the Longest Day, that makes *total* sense. Though Allison’s response could still totally be “Because you still haven’t told me that you’re an alien, remember?” Not that I’m holding a long grudge on Allison’s behalf or anything.
Will absolutely take draft letter now (I don’t suppose he admits in it that he’s an alien either?), though chapter 21 comments are probably still delayed until tomorrow sometime. I appear to be destruct-testing the hypothesis that the tech blog just doesn’t write itself. :)
Also, very much hurrah for start of ficlet!
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I thought I’d write a letter - partly because you can’t interrupt me in writing.
I told you I was scared of love, and maybe you can now see why? I made a sort of list to explain things:
The first thing I ever learned about love is that it can be a weapon. I was used as one, and still am. I do my best to avoid it, but Shakespeare had it right: ‘Here’s much to do with hate but more with love.’ I would never ever want you or me to use love in that way, but it frightens me that I might.
The second thing I learned is that love can overcome almost anything. It can surmount lies, deceit and even death. (Remind me to tell you Jack and Ianto’s story one day. They have both threatened to kill each other and meant every word.)
The third thing is... times change. Conventions change. A hundred years ago your brother would have had to live a lie or been branded a deviant and a criminal. You are perfectly right in saying that I’m smart enough to understand the common rules. But I’m also smart enough to question them.
Which brings me to the fourth thing: Jamie. What Jamie is, what Jamie can do, doesn’t fit into ‘the common rules’. Sie is something new, quite probably something entirely unique, something that will never exist again. Because of who I am, I would no more walk away from that experience than the chance to see Atlantis. Mostly I want to share it with you, because it is... something that fits no description.
Fifth. We come from different worlds. To you love is something good, something comforting. It means the safety of family, the thing that catches you when you fall. To me, it is something wonderful, but also something powerful and dangerous, something far too often used and abused. I am trying my best to work out my own rules and ideas and morals, and I don’t know how much they overlap with yours. Enough, I hope, that we can have a relationship that we both can accept.
I am sorry I never made any of this clearer earlier on. I tried, but it’s difficult, and I don’t think you understood what I meant. Plus it’s a work in progress.
Yours forever, until the end of time,
S.
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~ ~ ~
ARIEL
That if you now beheld them, your affections
Would become tender.
PROSPERO
Dost thou think so, spirit?
ARIEL
Mine would, sir, were I human.
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♥
And poor broken Alex...
And I'm glad I have managed to help you see the world from his perspective... He really is struggling, and scared, and so young - trying his best to work his way through moral and ethical conundrums he is not well equipped to tackle.
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Plus I hadn’t read Guileless Child before, which gave another glimpse of how horribly weaponized it was from the very first week...
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Oh no, never 'cool', I don't think. More 'outside normal rules of society'.
Plus I hadn’t read Guileless Child before, which gave another glimpse of how horribly weaponized it was from the very first week...
Ah yes. The Master uses his son with deadly precision and accuracy - and then twists the knife. He knows Roda always wanted children, but can't have them. Knows the Doctor's history - and that he killed everyone... From the very, very first chapter:
I think that in many ways the Seeker sees lying as a way of protecting Allison. He knows how horrifically difficult and complicated and blood drenched his 'family' is - and is probably also taking into account Josh's reaction. He just can't see that telling the truth is a particularly attractive or pleasant task. ETA: Certainly not while he is still grounded and can't show her any of the good things.
ETA: And as you see later, Troy straight away (because of his own experiences) immediately grasps the 'Love can be a weapon' angle of the whole thing.
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And yes, thank goodness for Troy, later.
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*nods* You can also see his lying as a form of escapism - he can pretend that his family life is less of a disaster than it really is. (And when the nicer option includes 'My father murdered the cabinet and the American President', you can easily see why the issues are so great.) Mostly then I don't think you can pin point a single main reason for the lying. It's a combination of things, which I rather like - he's too complicated to pin down.
And yes, thank goodness for Troy, later.
Not many people would understand the issues - Troy does, and I think that really helps. She isn't imagining things, and she is not alone. (I could begin to tinker with what I have of the Troy story and send you bits if you're interested? Or would you rather wait?)
ETA: Oh and I've (very very very belatedly) started looking at Colleges (as in the Cambridge ones, not 6th form) and I think they're all at Queens'. Might go back at some point & thread some 'local colour' into everything.
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Just back from Emacs coaching session, brain exploded all over the surrounding countryside. More (and more coherence) later.
I would of course love the Troy story bits sooner rather than later, and that might be useful before Troy re-emerges into this story (and its chapter-by-chapter commentaries) later on...
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*looks innocent* Whatever gave you that idea? (Ahem.) Although having given it some thought, then he goes there under suffrage... Which means that I need Josh, Matt & Allison to all choose it for themselves. Allison is fairly easy, actually, I can definitely see why she would go for Queens. And it's entirely possible that Alex helped Matt & Josh to choose, and it is fairly probable that he talked them into Queens because the scarves are green with two white stripes... (Very Slytherin.) They would only have discovered this later. (He might have gotten the Doctor to take them back in time to meet the Queens in question, or something - like I said, at some point I'll flesh out the actual Cambridge part of it.)
Just back from Emacs coaching session, brain exploded all over the surrounding countryside. More (and more coherence) later.
Oh dear. I'd send you a nice cup of tea if I could... (We make GOOD tea. Proper leaf tea, and we mix it - two parts 'ordinary' tea to one part Earl Grey.)
I would of course love the Troy story bits sooner rather than later, and that might be useful before Troy re-emerges into this story (and its chapter-by-chapter commentaries) later on...
Might have a stab at it later on then. :)
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And I went to Trinity, so I won’t be much help for local colour for Queens. I was coming from Canada, which made it fiendishly expensive, and Trinity had more bursaries and scholarships and whatnot. Otherwise I might have gone for Corpus Christi – not because of Christopher Marlowe, but because their library includes the Parker Library, which holds one of the very few manuscripts of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. I only saw it once in all my time there, but that was a very good day.
And tea is always good. I follow as far as making proper leaf tea at this end, but mixing it is a mystery farther than I normally go. :)
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And I am yet again writing several things at the same time...
And I went to Trinity, so I won’t be much help for local colour for Queens.
I sort of meant Cambridge generally - it helps that I've actually *been* myself (briefly, but I have more of a feel for it), and I can probably google my way to stuff. ;)
I was coming from Canada, which made it fiendishly expensive, and Trinity had more bursaries and scholarships and whatnot.
Makes sense! (We are counting on Miss M getting a scholarship. As she is very bright, and we don't have money. *g*)
Otherwise I might have gone for Corpus Christi – not because of Christopher Marlowe, but because their library includes the Parker Library, which holds one of the very few manuscripts of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. I only saw it once in all my time there, but that was a very good day.
Oh very nice!
And tea is always good. I follow as far as making proper leaf tea at this end, but mixing it is a mystery farther than I normally go. :)
It's very simple. And niiiiiiice.
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– Having read those two chapters, I have no fear on this score. :)
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(For her mock exams in January she got all As and A*s. And one B - in art. But her art teacher is a bit of an idiot and she doesn't care.)
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Nothing to do with being an alien - but in the world of Doctor Who you should always listen to nutters!
though chapter 21 comments are probably still delayed until tomorrow sometime. I appear to be destruct-testing the hypothesis that the tech blog just doesn’t write itself. :)
LOL. And no worries, it's my parents' last evening, so I'm not going to have time either.
Also, very much hurrah for start of ficlet!
It was more the fact that I had zero recollection of writing it. And had constructed something from a different POV - and then I had already started. *g* ETA: So that's technically three things I'm working on... /o\ (George, Troy and this thing.)