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Fic: Twilight/Torchwood crossover. Bella/Jack/Edward. PG-13.
DO NOT JUDGE ME! This just... came to me. Less than 500 words, un-beta'd, un-everything. But you *know* that Jack would go for it. Nothing but crack beneath the cut. Spoilers for 'Breaking Dawn' - no spoilers for TW.
Hello
It’s a cool summer's evening in Leicester Square, London. Tourists are milling around in the way they do. There is also a certain former Time Agent and current Torchwood Boss, who - having finished his London-mission early - is hanging out watching the tourists. Then he spots a particularly gorgeous couple...
Jack: Hel-lo! So, tell me, what are you two? See my clever wrist strap here informs me that you’re kinda cool and marble-like and without heart beats, so are you aliens - possibly with some mutated version of Petrifold Regression, or - I dunno - vampires?
Edward (coldly and taken aback): Vampires. I am Edward Cullen and this is my wife Bella. Who are you?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing in London?
Bella: We decided to come here for our 2nd honeymoon while our 4 year old daughter is arranging her wedding to my best friend whom I almost married myself.
Jack: O...kay. That is creepy as hell. But I’m an open-minded kinda guy and you two are quite the prettiest creatures I’ve seen in a long while. Also I’ve never slept with vampires, so what do you say that we get ourselves a hotel room and have some threesome fun before I have to skedaddle back to Cardiff tomorrow?
Edward (through clenched teeth): How dare you insinuate such foulness? No one shall touch my wife beside myself! (Even though I did offer to let her best friend boink her so she could have some puppies, but that’s beside the point.) I did not keep myself pure for a century, waiting for her, just to have some random human insult us like this!
Jack (boggles): You didn’t have sex for a hundred years? Voluntarily?
Edward: There was no one tempting enough until I met my wondrous Bella. And whilst your scent is intriguing - it is quite frankly impossible for us to be intimate with you, human. We are much too strong and would probably kill you.
Jack (smirks, lifts eyebrow): Try me! I’m immortal and... very experienced in every way imaginable. What do you say?
Bella (beginning to be intrigued, and thinking that Jack is rather pretty): But you don’t sparkle.
Jack: Honey - I don’t need to sparkle! ... Wait - you sparkle?
[A little later, in Torchwood Cardiff.]
Ianto (on the phone): Just let me get this straight Jack - you called to ask if I would mind if you have group sex with sparkly vampires... [slowly drags hand across face] Well as long as you never ever mention it again, understood? And you have to take a drug test as soon as you come back!
Jack (delighted): You're the best boyfriend ever!
Ianto (sighs deeply): Please do not use that word. Goodbye. [puts phone down, thinks for a moment] Gwen - fancy going out? I think I need to get very, very drunk tonight.
PART 2!
It’s a cool summer's evening in Leicester Square, London. Tourists are milling around in the way they do. There is also a certain former Time Agent and current Torchwood Boss, who - having finished his London-mission early - is hanging out watching the tourists. Then he spots a particularly gorgeous couple...
Jack: Hel-lo! So, tell me, what are you two? See my clever wrist strap here informs me that you’re kinda cool and marble-like and without heart beats, so are you aliens - possibly with some mutated version of Petrifold Regression, or - I dunno - vampires?
Edward (coldly and taken aback): Vampires. I am Edward Cullen and this is my wife Bella. Who are you?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing in London?
Bella: We decided to come here for our 2nd honeymoon while our 4 year old daughter is arranging her wedding to my best friend whom I almost married myself.
Jack: O...kay. That is creepy as hell. But I’m an open-minded kinda guy and you two are quite the prettiest creatures I’ve seen in a long while. Also I’ve never slept with vampires, so what do you say that we get ourselves a hotel room and have some threesome fun before I have to skedaddle back to Cardiff tomorrow?
Edward (through clenched teeth): How dare you insinuate such foulness? No one shall touch my wife beside myself! (Even though I did offer to let her best friend boink her so she could have some puppies, but that’s beside the point.) I did not keep myself pure for a century, waiting for her, just to have some random human insult us like this!
Jack (boggles): You didn’t have sex for a hundred years? Voluntarily?
Edward: There was no one tempting enough until I met my wondrous Bella. And whilst your scent is intriguing - it is quite frankly impossible for us to be intimate with you, human. We are much too strong and would probably kill you.
Jack (smirks, lifts eyebrow): Try me! I’m immortal and... very experienced in every way imaginable. What do you say?
Bella (beginning to be intrigued, and thinking that Jack is rather pretty): But you don’t sparkle.
Jack: Honey - I don’t need to sparkle! ... Wait - you sparkle?
[A little later, in Torchwood Cardiff.]
Ianto (on the phone): Just let me get this straight Jack - you called to ask if I would mind if you have group sex with sparkly vampires... [slowly drags hand across face] Well as long as you never ever mention it again, understood? And you have to take a drug test as soon as you come back!
Jack (delighted): You're the best boyfriend ever!
Ianto (sighs deeply): Please do not use that word. Goodbye. [puts phone down, thinks for a moment] Gwen - fancy going out? I think I need to get very, very drunk tonight.
PART 2!