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Fic: Mrs Saxon's Diary. Part 8/10
It is COLD and snowing and I don't want to go out. *whimpers* Why don't we live right next to the school? (I actually did that for a couple of years when I was 9-10 years old. I was nearly always late...)
Anyway, I'm posting fic to take my mind off it. I am very pleased with this chapter, since I try to explain something that was never explained and I think it works this way. *crosses fingers* Let me know, please?
Setting: Post-'Sound of Drums'.
Spoilers: End of S3.
Pairing: Lucy/Harry.
Rating: PG-13.
Previous parts here.
Five months after the fall of the Earth.
I can't remember what I said. I know it probably doesn't matter, but still I wish I could recall it. I guess my mind has just blanked it out.
Today was just another day - bright and beautiful the way the days always are up here in the clouds - and I was talking with my Master as he was busy with some paperwork or other, calibrating something using those odd symbols that I know are really numbers.
But then I said something - a silly, stupid joke of some sort (at his expense) that made me laugh - and the next thing I knew I was on the floor, the side of my face burning with pain as he stood above me, hand still raised. Our eyes met, and I could see that even he was taken aback. In all the time I have known him he has never so much as raised his voice to me, and this sudden lashing out was clearly unexpected for him also - despite the fact that his temper is notoriously unpredictable.
The thing is... I saw something else too. Saw that look in his eyes that I know far too well: That look of undiluted pleasure he gets from inflicting pain. And the more people matter to him, the more he enjoys their pain - that I discovered the very first day he took over the world. So I know that it will happen again, sooner or later. He isn't capable of stopping himself - and even if he was, he doesn't want to stop.
He didn't say anything afterwards, just slowly lowered his hand and then abruptly walked away. And I guess I will learn to live with this too, along with everything else.
I could feel the Doctor watching me as I too left the room a little later. He never talks to me, but I know that he’d be a shoulder to cry on, if I wanted it - I can see it in his eyes, as clear as day. How little he understands me. I would never want his concern or pity, no matter what.
I just... I just wish I could remember what I said.
Part 9.
Anyway, I'm posting fic to take my mind off it. I am very pleased with this chapter, since I try to explain something that was never explained and I think it works this way. *crosses fingers* Let me know, please?
Setting: Post-'Sound of Drums'.
Spoilers: End of S3.
Pairing: Lucy/Harry.
Rating: PG-13.
Previous parts here.
Five months after the fall of the Earth.
I can't remember what I said. I know it probably doesn't matter, but still I wish I could recall it. I guess my mind has just blanked it out.
Today was just another day - bright and beautiful the way the days always are up here in the clouds - and I was talking with my Master as he was busy with some paperwork or other, calibrating something using those odd symbols that I know are really numbers.
But then I said something - a silly, stupid joke of some sort (at his expense) that made me laugh - and the next thing I knew I was on the floor, the side of my face burning with pain as he stood above me, hand still raised. Our eyes met, and I could see that even he was taken aback. In all the time I have known him he has never so much as raised his voice to me, and this sudden lashing out was clearly unexpected for him also - despite the fact that his temper is notoriously unpredictable.
The thing is... I saw something else too. Saw that look in his eyes that I know far too well: That look of undiluted pleasure he gets from inflicting pain. And the more people matter to him, the more he enjoys their pain - that I discovered the very first day he took over the world. So I know that it will happen again, sooner or later. He isn't capable of stopping himself - and even if he was, he doesn't want to stop.
He didn't say anything afterwards, just slowly lowered his hand and then abruptly walked away. And I guess I will learn to live with this too, along with everything else.
I could feel the Doctor watching me as I too left the room a little later. He never talks to me, but I know that he’d be a shoulder to cry on, if I wanted it - I can see it in his eyes, as clear as day. How little he understands me. I would never want his concern or pity, no matter what.
I just... I just wish I could remember what I said.
Part 9.
no subject
It was very striking that Lucy was obsessing so much about what she'd said, how it opened and closed the fic. Because it'd been so sudden, so unexpected, and she could somehow sense where it was coming from, both in the moment and deep down, but the exact origin was missing. And it left her confused, off-balance. The little wife who wanted to take care of everything for her Master, be the only he relied in… What did she do?
I loved the fact that the sudden development surprised the two of them equally, and the fact that he'd never gotten upset at her before. And I loved how she understood him so much. Could read the feeling in his eyes, could focus on him only, not wonder "how could he do this to me?" or even only "what did I do?", but have enough understanding of his character that she wouldn't believe herself to be the exception—that she'd focus on him and analyse his reactions, instead of making it all about her since she'd received the blow. It was perfect insight that the more important people were, the more he wanted to hurt them. Oh, the Doctor.
And she knew it would happen again… that he wouldn't stop it himself… and she accepted it. Like a part of him that she just took in her stride. ♥
And the way she saw the Doctor's reaction, and despised it—rejected any kind of pity… It was amazing.
no subject
Thank you! (I'm very proud of it.)
It was very striking that Lucy was obsessing so much about what she'd said, how it opened and closed the fic. Because it'd been so sudden, so unexpected, and she could somehow sense where it was coming from, both in the moment and deep down, but the exact origin was missing. And it left her confused, off-balance. The little wife who wanted to take care of everything for her Master, be the only he relied in… What did she do?
Of course, it doesn't matter. It would have happened sooner or later - and she knows it. But by trying to pin it down on something specific she can pretend that maybe if she'd not said what-ever-it-was, it wouldn't have happened.
I loved the fact that the sudden development surprised the two of them equally, and the fact that he'd never gotten upset at her before. And I loved how she understood him so much. Could read the feeling in his eyes, could focus on him only, not wonder "how could he do this to me?" or even only "what did I do?", but have enough understanding of his character that she wouldn't believe herself to be the exception—that she'd focus on him and analyse his reactions, instead of making it all about her since she'd received the blow. It was perfect insight that the more important people were, the more he wanted to hurt them. Oh, the Doctor.
Indeed. And - in her own twisted way - it makes her feel special? He loves her enough to hurt her...
And she knew it would happen again… that he wouldn't stop it himself… and she accepted it. Like a part of him that she just took in her stride. ♥
SO TWISTED.
And the way she saw the Doctor's reaction, and despised it—rejected any kind of pity… It was amazing.
I don't think she'd understand compassion - all she can see is pity, and that she would never want.
no subject
You might!
Of course, it doesn't matter. It would have happened sooner or later - and she knows it. But by trying to pin it down on something specific she can pretend that maybe if she'd not said what-ever-it-was, it wouldn't have happened.
She may accept it as part of what he is, but she still needs some measure of coping process…
Indeed. And - in her own twisted way - it makes her feel special? He loves her enough to hurt her...
*insert incoherent little sound*
I don't think she'd understand compassion - all she can see is pity, and that she would never want.
Yes… There is no point to compassion…
no subject
Exactly!
*insert incoherent little sound*
So twisted... (We keep coming back to that word.)
no subject
"What's that word you use? I like that word…"
no subject