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Maybe Someday. Chapter 5
Ok, this chapter? Has been hell. And I'm still not sure I'm satisfied with it 100%, but I'm getting thoroughly tired of re-writing it, so I thought that since it's mostly ok, I'd post before you - my wonderful and cherished readers - forget all about this story.
HUGE thanks to my ever-brilliant beta![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kathyh, who made me go back and re-work all the problems. And also for re-assuring me. This is the big Buffy-and-Spike-have-their-talk chapter and I'm really worried what you're all going to think. But well, only one way to find out I guess (::takes deep breath and presses 'post' button::).
ETA: How could I forget? This chapter is dedicated tothe_royal_anna! For about a million different reasons, but if I had to pick one I'd say the lovely parcel she sent me recently... I hope angst and schmoop are ok? It's the Spuffiest thing I've written (so far) which was why I thought of you! :)
Previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter 5
As Buffy closed the bedroom door, Spike undid the sword from his belt and carefully put it down in a corner. Then he stretched and sat down on the bed.
“Right Buffy, what do you want to know?”
She looked at him, and was suddenly lost for words. He was just sitting there, patiently waiting for her to tell him what she wanted. He was real and solid and she felt all the places inside that had been empty for so long begin to fill up again. And God, how much of a cliché was that? But did it matter if it was true? Her emotions were so conflicted, that she barely knew what to say. One question however kept returning.
“When did you come back?”
He considered for a moment. “Oh, more than a year ago.... about a fortnight after we beat The First.”
The anger she had been forgetting suddenly came back in full force, as her hands balled into fists: “A year? And you could never even be bothered to call? I mourned you! I... I... - what the hell were you thinking?”
He looked down. “It’s complicated Buffy. If you want to beat me up, that’s fine. Otherwise... just listen to me, ok? I know I’ve not been fair to you. And I’m sorry about that. But... I didn’t think I’d still be alive by now.”
“Huh? What.. what do you mean?”
He sighed. “Sit down and I’ll tell you.”
She nodded and sat down next to him, and for a moment had a barrage of ‘Spike - my bed - metal frame - silk scarf - ‘ images flashing through her head, but quickly stomped down on them. No violence or sex tonight! And then Spike began to speak:
“Well, it’s all the amulet’s fault really!”
Buffy nodded and waited. The explanation wasn’t far behind. “Came from Wolfram & Hart you see - I was sort of trapped in it, and re-emerged when Angel was sent it in the mail. Only... I was a sort of ghost.”
Buffy frowned. “A ghost?”
“Yeah. It was... it was sort of the opposite of when you came back I guess. Except for... well, thinking it was over and then realising it’s not.”
He looked at her then, and she remembered another conversation, nearly three years ago...
I was finished. Complete...
As she recalled her despair, she swallowed. No-one should have to go through that! He had been so proud - her Champion, saving the world. His final big gesture. And then to be brought back again... she didn’t even notice that the anger turned into something else.
How lonely it must have been for him - I could have helped him, like he helped me - I would have been there for him, I would have understood...
He shook his head slightly, as though reading her thoughts. “Anyway - no sensory overload for me. No senses to speak of - I couldn’t touch or taste or smell... could turn invisible though and walk through walls and all that stuff, although I wasn’t actually technically a ghost. Fred said she didn’t know what to make of me.”
He smiled: “She was one of Angel’s friends. Science-girl. Looked after me. Reminded me of Tara sometimes. She was - kind. Genuine, y'know? Anyway, I couldn’t leave LA. Kept popping up back at Angel’s new place. So although I wanted to, I couldn’t get to you.” He sighed. “But - to make a long story short, sometime in November I became solid again. And then...”
He stopped and looked down. “There is this prophecy about a vampire with a soul. A Champion who’ll fight in the Apocalypse. Everyone obviously thought it was Angel, but apparently dying to save the world moves you up the ranks. I’m in the running. Only the universe doesn’t like unsolved problems - my being ‘real’ again made a tear in the fabric of reality. There was this whole thing with an extra bit of prophecy that turned out to be complete bullshit, but I did have the pleasure of beating up Angel!”
He smiled, a wicked glint in his eyes. It was only there for a second however, and vanished as soon as he continued talking. “The Senior Partners fixed the wonkiness - for now anyway. There’s a whole long story behind it all that’s not really important. What matters is, that I set off to see you Buffy - I got my boat ticket and everything, but then... “
There was a distant look in his eyes, and she suddenly remembered that night in the church when he had told her about his soul. Before she could think of anything to say however, he looked at her. “I did a lot of thinking when I was a ghost - not much else to do really. I thought about me and you, about what we did - what I did... the good and the bad. Do you - do you remember the time I came back to Sunnydale after Dru dumped me?”
She nodded.
“I said I was love’s bitch then, and it was true. Now if I ran to you, I wouldn’t be any different from who I was back then. The whole dying in fire and glory wouldn’t matter...” He stopped, his face sombre: “Buffy - the universe was unstabilised because *I* existed! And the implications of that kinda threw me. So, I decided to work things out properly for once. Never had any patience, but the ghost thing must have taught me something. So, I waited and tried to think - not a strong point either. Took time. Especially with all the drinking I got done too. The thing is - I once told you that I had stopped dreaming about a crypt for two with a white picket fence. And I still can’t see it happening. It hurts like hell, but I’m used to that now. Been used to it for a long time.”
He stopped again, but then continued, as though worried that she was going to contradict him.
“So, I stayed in LA - I tried to do all the hero stuff, saving damsels in distress and what not. Or, as it’s more commonly known - patrolling. Not like Angel had the time anymore. Didn’t have it bad, truth be told - had a little basement flat, as many demons as I liked to kill, Angel’s mates to talk to and Angel himself to annoy when I was bored. He got tired of me hanging around though, and offered to make me a kind of rogue agent, sort of Bond without the tux. It was mighty tempting, but then... then Fred died.”
There was sadness and hurt in his voice now, and she recalled Angel’s grim ‘everyone’. Spike wasn’t looking at her anymore, his eyes suddenly lost somewhere she couldn’t follow... He sighed and tiredly ran a hand across his face, as though trying to wipe away painful memories. She wanted to take his hand, to hold him, but she knew that it wasn’t the right time.
Then he pulled himself together and explained how and why Fred had died, and what had happened next: “There’s an apocalypse happening right now Buffy... and not just an apocalypse, but the Apocalypse! We stopped it for a while, but the ultimate outcome is anyone’s guess. And we’re bound to it - if we don’t fight, the world might fall because of our neglect. We can’t risk that. You were the one who made me a Champion, and - “
A strange light came into his eyes, stubborn and proud, “ - I discovered a reason for fighting, an actual purpose in my life. A - a mission if you will. Something other than love to motivate me! If there’s one thing I’ve learnt these last few years - and I’m a slow learner - it’s that I can’t build my life on love alone. Buffy - I can’t stay.”
She sat very, very still trying to understand what had just happened. In the space of a few hours she had just found and lost the man she had been mourning for more than a year.This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Spike was hers! She used to be his reason to exist. And she was the one with the mission and the destiny, she was the one who couldn’t commit. They were supposed to talk and she’d yell and he’d be sorry, and then he would stay because that’s what he did. He did what she wanted. Until now...
He reached out and touched her face, just like that night when he had given her back hope. But this time she didn’t flinch, although he had now taken hope away. She looked at him and closed her eyes, trying to fight back the tears.
“Buffy... when I died I gave you a new beginning. A beginning where you can have a normal life if you want. Where you can have children and grandchildren and not have to fight alone. Where you won’t have to worry about whether you’ll live to 25. You deserve a happy ending - I don’t.”
His words brought back a barrage of painful memories, and suddenly she saw red. Jumping off the bed, she turned and faced him, eyes flashing: “You don’t get to do this! I’ve been through this crap once with Angel already - ‘you deserve a normal life blah, blah, blah...’ did he give you a special handbook explaining how best to break up with me?”
Spike looked at her, mouth open and looking as though she had just punched him. Then his eyes slowly narrowed and he asked her, a dangerous edge to his voice: “What exactly does Angel have to do with this?”
She could see that this could very quickly develop into a full-blown argument, as he continued, voice eerily calm: “And what do you mean ‘break up’? As far as I know we were never actually dating!”
“That’s so not the point!” she countered, trying to quell the overwhelming urge she had to use her fists, “I just never thought that you’d be the one to start lecturing me on what my life should be like! Maybe I don’t want children all that much... maybe - maybe I want you more!”
Spike looked so shell-shocked that she completely forgot what she was going to say next. He stared at her with eyes that were as terrified as that night after she got the scythe - then he spoke again, cutting through her thoughts: “Do you really mean that?”
She was unable to answer... ‘Were you there with me?’ ‘I was.’ ‘What does that mean?’ She still didn’t know. There had been so little time and he hadn’t pushed the issue. But now...
Spike tilted his head and looked at her earnestly. “Could you see us have an actual future? A life? If I asked... would you marry me?”
She looked at him dumbfounded. “M...M...Marry?” she asked feebly and sat down on the bed again, not feeling certain that her legs could support her any more. “As in white dress and rings and a priest?”
“As in everything Buffy.” He stopped and frowned slightly. “See, this is the bit that I could never get to fit when I tried to think it through. Because I did - over and over again, back when I was a ghost walking around the empty corridors of Wolfram & Hart at night... could it ever have worked? We were off the scale of the dysfunction-o-meter, we hurt each other so much...” He swallowed. “If... if I could offer you a life - not just undying love, but an actual future - could you be with me forever? Could we work? Could we take all the crap and work through it?”
She just looked at him, unable to make her brain function. This was not at all what she had expected - this was bigger and more complicated than anything she had dealt with in a long, long time. She felt stranded far away from all familiar landmarks and had no idea what to say. She was no longer the young girl who had written ‘Buffy & Angel 4-ever!’ on her schoolbooks... forever had stopped being an option a long time ago.
He smiled lightly, obviously comprehending her predicament. “Buffy, you don’t have to answer and it’s not like I could stay even if I wanted to! And well... Angel told me about the whole cookie thing, so I guess you’re not ready to make that kind of decision. Figuring out who you are takes a good while - took me long enough, but I think I’m getting a pretty good idea.”
He looked down, serious again now. “And you not being there helped... it’s hard to think stuff through when I’m with you. I just want to be whoever you need. And that is.... “ he thought for a moment, “It’s not enough, you deserve more than that. Spike the lovesick puppy is not someone you need.”
She didn’t know what to say, but she thought that she was beginning to understand him and although it hurt, she was also proud of him - of how far he had come. Further than her she realised. He knew who he was now. He had chosen his path, eyes open and knowing what he had to give up.
Suddenly bashful, Spike spoke again:
“But... did you mean what you said? I mean... you gave me so much more than I ever thought possible - you believed in me, you let me be close, you chose me as your Champion, but...”
He looked at her and his eyes were blue and full of sadness. “Could I... could I have been The One?”
I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
His words were still etched in her mind, and she finally grasped what he was trying to say. She swallowed and asked a question that had been burning in her for more than a year now. “Was that why you said no, when I told you that I loved you...in...in the Hellmouth? Because I didn’t love you like you love me?”
He seemed taken aback. “Em, no not really. I think...” There came a far-away look in his eyes. “I didn’t need it. I just wanted you to get the hell out of there and love someone who wasn’t dying.”
Slowly his eyes focussed on hers. “It was all so clear to me.” She smiled then, as she lost herself in his eyes. “I know. I remember. And I was happy for you... I was sad for me, but I remembered that peace and clarity. Spike...”
She was whispering now, leaning into him, their eyes locked together. “I think that for a long time I was scared because I knew that if I gave in... if I let myself really love you there would be no way back. There would be only you. Only you Spike.”
Their foreheads touching, he softly breathed her name, but she silently covered his mouth with her own, and the world became soft and dark like velvet as they slowly sank down into the bed, words no longer needed.
Go to Chapter 6
HUGE thanks to my ever-brilliant beta
kathyh, who made me go back and re-work all the problems. And also for re-assuring me. This is the big Buffy-and-Spike-have-their-talk chapter and I'm really worried what you're all going to think. But well, only one way to find out I guess (::takes deep breath and presses 'post' button::). ETA: How could I forget? This chapter is dedicated to
the_royal_anna! For about a million different reasons, but if I had to pick one I'd say the lovely parcel she sent me recently... I hope angst and schmoop are ok? It's the Spuffiest thing I've written (so far) which was why I thought of you! :)Previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter 5
As Buffy closed the bedroom door, Spike undid the sword from his belt and carefully put it down in a corner. Then he stretched and sat down on the bed.
“Right Buffy, what do you want to know?”
She looked at him, and was suddenly lost for words. He was just sitting there, patiently waiting for her to tell him what she wanted. He was real and solid and she felt all the places inside that had been empty for so long begin to fill up again. And God, how much of a cliché was that? But did it matter if it was true? Her emotions were so conflicted, that she barely knew what to say. One question however kept returning.
“When did you come back?”
He considered for a moment. “Oh, more than a year ago.... about a fortnight after we beat The First.”
The anger she had been forgetting suddenly came back in full force, as her hands balled into fists: “A year? And you could never even be bothered to call? I mourned you! I... I... - what the hell were you thinking?”
He looked down. “It’s complicated Buffy. If you want to beat me up, that’s fine. Otherwise... just listen to me, ok? I know I’ve not been fair to you. And I’m sorry about that. But... I didn’t think I’d still be alive by now.”
“Huh? What.. what do you mean?”
He sighed. “Sit down and I’ll tell you.”
She nodded and sat down next to him, and for a moment had a barrage of ‘Spike - my bed - metal frame - silk scarf - ‘ images flashing through her head, but quickly stomped down on them. No violence or sex tonight! And then Spike began to speak:
“Well, it’s all the amulet’s fault really!”
Buffy nodded and waited. The explanation wasn’t far behind. “Came from Wolfram & Hart you see - I was sort of trapped in it, and re-emerged when Angel was sent it in the mail. Only... I was a sort of ghost.”
Buffy frowned. “A ghost?”
“Yeah. It was... it was sort of the opposite of when you came back I guess. Except for... well, thinking it was over and then realising it’s not.”
He looked at her then, and she remembered another conversation, nearly three years ago...
I was finished. Complete...
As she recalled her despair, she swallowed. No-one should have to go through that! He had been so proud - her Champion, saving the world. His final big gesture. And then to be brought back again... she didn’t even notice that the anger turned into something else.
How lonely it must have been for him - I could have helped him, like he helped me - I would have been there for him, I would have understood...
He shook his head slightly, as though reading her thoughts. “Anyway - no sensory overload for me. No senses to speak of - I couldn’t touch or taste or smell... could turn invisible though and walk through walls and all that stuff, although I wasn’t actually technically a ghost. Fred said she didn’t know what to make of me.”
He smiled: “She was one of Angel’s friends. Science-girl. Looked after me. Reminded me of Tara sometimes. She was - kind. Genuine, y'know? Anyway, I couldn’t leave LA. Kept popping up back at Angel’s new place. So although I wanted to, I couldn’t get to you.” He sighed. “But - to make a long story short, sometime in November I became solid again. And then...”
He stopped and looked down. “There is this prophecy about a vampire with a soul. A Champion who’ll fight in the Apocalypse. Everyone obviously thought it was Angel, but apparently dying to save the world moves you up the ranks. I’m in the running. Only the universe doesn’t like unsolved problems - my being ‘real’ again made a tear in the fabric of reality. There was this whole thing with an extra bit of prophecy that turned out to be complete bullshit, but I did have the pleasure of beating up Angel!”
He smiled, a wicked glint in his eyes. It was only there for a second however, and vanished as soon as he continued talking. “The Senior Partners fixed the wonkiness - for now anyway. There’s a whole long story behind it all that’s not really important. What matters is, that I set off to see you Buffy - I got my boat ticket and everything, but then... “
There was a distant look in his eyes, and she suddenly remembered that night in the church when he had told her about his soul. Before she could think of anything to say however, he looked at her. “I did a lot of thinking when I was a ghost - not much else to do really. I thought about me and you, about what we did - what I did... the good and the bad. Do you - do you remember the time I came back to Sunnydale after Dru dumped me?”
She nodded.
“I said I was love’s bitch then, and it was true. Now if I ran to you, I wouldn’t be any different from who I was back then. The whole dying in fire and glory wouldn’t matter...” He stopped, his face sombre: “Buffy - the universe was unstabilised because *I* existed! And the implications of that kinda threw me. So, I decided to work things out properly for once. Never had any patience, but the ghost thing must have taught me something. So, I waited and tried to think - not a strong point either. Took time. Especially with all the drinking I got done too. The thing is - I once told you that I had stopped dreaming about a crypt for two with a white picket fence. And I still can’t see it happening. It hurts like hell, but I’m used to that now. Been used to it for a long time.”
He stopped again, but then continued, as though worried that she was going to contradict him.
“So, I stayed in LA - I tried to do all the hero stuff, saving damsels in distress and what not. Or, as it’s more commonly known - patrolling. Not like Angel had the time anymore. Didn’t have it bad, truth be told - had a little basement flat, as many demons as I liked to kill, Angel’s mates to talk to and Angel himself to annoy when I was bored. He got tired of me hanging around though, and offered to make me a kind of rogue agent, sort of Bond without the tux. It was mighty tempting, but then... then Fred died.”
There was sadness and hurt in his voice now, and she recalled Angel’s grim ‘everyone’. Spike wasn’t looking at her anymore, his eyes suddenly lost somewhere she couldn’t follow... He sighed and tiredly ran a hand across his face, as though trying to wipe away painful memories. She wanted to take his hand, to hold him, but she knew that it wasn’t the right time.
Then he pulled himself together and explained how and why Fred had died, and what had happened next: “There’s an apocalypse happening right now Buffy... and not just an apocalypse, but the Apocalypse! We stopped it for a while, but the ultimate outcome is anyone’s guess. And we’re bound to it - if we don’t fight, the world might fall because of our neglect. We can’t risk that. You were the one who made me a Champion, and - “
A strange light came into his eyes, stubborn and proud, “ - I discovered a reason for fighting, an actual purpose in my life. A - a mission if you will. Something other than love to motivate me! If there’s one thing I’ve learnt these last few years - and I’m a slow learner - it’s that I can’t build my life on love alone. Buffy - I can’t stay.”
She sat very, very still trying to understand what had just happened. In the space of a few hours she had just found and lost the man she had been mourning for more than a year.This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Spike was hers! She used to be his reason to exist. And she was the one with the mission and the destiny, she was the one who couldn’t commit. They were supposed to talk and she’d yell and he’d be sorry, and then he would stay because that’s what he did. He did what she wanted. Until now...
He reached out and touched her face, just like that night when he had given her back hope. But this time she didn’t flinch, although he had now taken hope away. She looked at him and closed her eyes, trying to fight back the tears.
“Buffy... when I died I gave you a new beginning. A beginning where you can have a normal life if you want. Where you can have children and grandchildren and not have to fight alone. Where you won’t have to worry about whether you’ll live to 25. You deserve a happy ending - I don’t.”
His words brought back a barrage of painful memories, and suddenly she saw red. Jumping off the bed, she turned and faced him, eyes flashing: “You don’t get to do this! I’ve been through this crap once with Angel already - ‘you deserve a normal life blah, blah, blah...’ did he give you a special handbook explaining how best to break up with me?”
Spike looked at her, mouth open and looking as though she had just punched him. Then his eyes slowly narrowed and he asked her, a dangerous edge to his voice: “What exactly does Angel have to do with this?”
She could see that this could very quickly develop into a full-blown argument, as he continued, voice eerily calm: “And what do you mean ‘break up’? As far as I know we were never actually dating!”
“That’s so not the point!” she countered, trying to quell the overwhelming urge she had to use her fists, “I just never thought that you’d be the one to start lecturing me on what my life should be like! Maybe I don’t want children all that much... maybe - maybe I want you more!”
Spike looked so shell-shocked that she completely forgot what she was going to say next. He stared at her with eyes that were as terrified as that night after she got the scythe - then he spoke again, cutting through her thoughts: “Do you really mean that?”
She was unable to answer... ‘Were you there with me?’ ‘I was.’ ‘What does that mean?’ She still didn’t know. There had been so little time and he hadn’t pushed the issue. But now...
Spike tilted his head and looked at her earnestly. “Could you see us have an actual future? A life? If I asked... would you marry me?”
She looked at him dumbfounded. “M...M...Marry?” she asked feebly and sat down on the bed again, not feeling certain that her legs could support her any more. “As in white dress and rings and a priest?”
“As in everything Buffy.” He stopped and frowned slightly. “See, this is the bit that I could never get to fit when I tried to think it through. Because I did - over and over again, back when I was a ghost walking around the empty corridors of Wolfram & Hart at night... could it ever have worked? We were off the scale of the dysfunction-o-meter, we hurt each other so much...” He swallowed. “If... if I could offer you a life - not just undying love, but an actual future - could you be with me forever? Could we work? Could we take all the crap and work through it?”
She just looked at him, unable to make her brain function. This was not at all what she had expected - this was bigger and more complicated than anything she had dealt with in a long, long time. She felt stranded far away from all familiar landmarks and had no idea what to say. She was no longer the young girl who had written ‘Buffy & Angel 4-ever!’ on her schoolbooks... forever had stopped being an option a long time ago.
He smiled lightly, obviously comprehending her predicament. “Buffy, you don’t have to answer and it’s not like I could stay even if I wanted to! And well... Angel told me about the whole cookie thing, so I guess you’re not ready to make that kind of decision. Figuring out who you are takes a good while - took me long enough, but I think I’m getting a pretty good idea.”
He looked down, serious again now. “And you not being there helped... it’s hard to think stuff through when I’m with you. I just want to be whoever you need. And that is.... “ he thought for a moment, “It’s not enough, you deserve more than that. Spike the lovesick puppy is not someone you need.”
She didn’t know what to say, but she thought that she was beginning to understand him and although it hurt, she was also proud of him - of how far he had come. Further than her she realised. He knew who he was now. He had chosen his path, eyes open and knowing what he had to give up.
Suddenly bashful, Spike spoke again:
“But... did you mean what you said? I mean... you gave me so much more than I ever thought possible - you believed in me, you let me be close, you chose me as your Champion, but...”
He looked at her and his eyes were blue and full of sadness. “Could I... could I have been The One?”
I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
His words were still etched in her mind, and she finally grasped what he was trying to say. She swallowed and asked a question that had been burning in her for more than a year now. “Was that why you said no, when I told you that I loved you...in...in the Hellmouth? Because I didn’t love you like you love me?”
He seemed taken aback. “Em, no not really. I think...” There came a far-away look in his eyes. “I didn’t need it. I just wanted you to get the hell out of there and love someone who wasn’t dying.”
Slowly his eyes focussed on hers. “It was all so clear to me.” She smiled then, as she lost herself in his eyes. “I know. I remember. And I was happy for you... I was sad for me, but I remembered that peace and clarity. Spike...”
She was whispering now, leaning into him, their eyes locked together. “I think that for a long time I was scared because I knew that if I gave in... if I let myself really love you there would be no way back. There would be only you. Only you Spike.”
Their foreheads touching, he softly breathed her name, but she silently covered his mouth with her own, and the world became soft and dark like velvet as they slowly sank down into the bed, words no longer needed.
Go to Chapter 6
no subject
I loved the way Buffy could empathize with Spike being brought back. I also loved that Spike was not going to stay with her just because he's Spike and that's what he does. And Buffy's reaction -- anger and hurt, but then understanding and acceptance -- was just perfect.
no subject
Buffy and Spike are such complex characters, that I was really, really worried about not getting them right. But in my head, this is how I saw it happening. Thank you *so much* for your wonderful feedback. ::hugs::