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Fic: Dating the Cleverest Boy in the World. Chapter 28.
This chapter. I don't even know where to start... Am slightly worried, to be honest. But nevermind. It is what it is. And if you've ever wondered what Alex's friends look like, then I have managed to hunt down models on the internet: Jamie & Josh.
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Autumn 2028
Characters (this chapter): the Seeker, Jamie, Josh. (OCs)
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 5500 approx
Feedback: Makes my world go round... No really. You have no idea.
A/N: Written before we knew that Arcadia was a Gallifreyan city. Here it is a planet.
Chapter 28
He was woken by a persistent knocking on his door.
The building had been designed to amplify certain noises - such as someone knocking on the door - and the Seeker sat up in his bed, confused.
He was the only person on the whole planet, so who was knocking?
Well Jack had been looking after him for the past week, but he never knocked. And the Seeker couldn’t sense him.
Walking through the house on bare feet, trying to banish the dreams that still clung to him (hopeless, hopeful dreams, he wished he knew how to banish them), he ended up at the door, studying it. Eventually he pulled it open, and was greeted with what was pretty close to the last sight he’d expected.
“Hello Alex,” Josh said, looking even more stunning than usual in a loose white shirt combined with black trousers and tall boots.
Next to him Jamie was smiling enigmatically, wearing something golden and flowing that shifted in the gentle breeze, emphasising hir androgynous outline.
“Hello...” he replied, too stunned to say much, as he slowly took in the small mountain of luggage behind them.
“What... What are you doing here?”
“We’re on our honeymoon,” Josh replied, eyes dancing, “but Jack is getting tired of ferrying us around. So we thought you could be our chauffeur round the wonders of the universe.”
The Seeker slowly shook his head.
“But surely the Doctor will be happy to take you?”
Josh looked mildly offended.
“Because I really want to spend some of the most magical weeks of our lives running down dirty corridors foiling alien invasions.”
“And I can’t run in these shoes,” Jamie added.
Looking at the shoes in question, the Seeker thought that ‘shoe’ wasn’t really the correct word. They appeared to be some kind of sandals, fashioned from golden ribbons, with a wedge heel. Mostly they seemed horribly impractical, but then shoes weren’t his thing. He had several pairs of trainers (which were comfortable) and a single pair of patent leather shoes for ‘best’ that he wore when forced.
“Besides,” Josh added, reaching out and laying a hand on his shoulder, eyes suddenly serious. “Jack said we were the answer to your question.”
Staring at his friend for the longest time, the Seeker still couldn’t get his head around what was happening.
“What question?”
Josh shrugged.
“I don’t know, he didn’t say. Don’t shoot the messenger, OK?”
Jamie had been looking up at the sky, craning hir neck to see beyond the brim of hir hat.
“The sky really is burnt orange... Can we see your planet first Alex? Jack said something about silver trees...”
“I - I suppose,” he replied, too thrown to put up a fight. It would certainly be a distraction. And if Jack had sent them...
“Listen, I just need to get some breakfast first. Come in, if you want.”
“What about our suitcases?” Jamie said, and he smiled.
“There’s no one else here. But I’ll get one of the bots to move everything onto my ship. I’m presuming it’s the outfits you can’t live without.”
Grinning, Josh walked past him in to the house.
“Don’t tell me, I think I remember the way...”
Company.
Company that had seen him at his worst, knew exactly what he was, and couldn’t be shocked.
Maybe this was a good idea after all?
It certainly couldn’t make him gloomier than he already was.
***
The following weeks were full of more exquisite beauty and exceptional events than his entire life up to that point.
It helped that he already had a ‘List of Extraordinary Places’ all worked out. He’d carefully edited it over the past three years, on the off-chance that Allison would stay with him, or at least agree to let him show her the marvels of the universe.
There was an undeniable bitterness in using it for people other than the intended recipient, but he didn’t have the mental capacity to come up with a whole new list. Especially since it wasn’t just a case of picking suitable places, he needed to make sure they arrived at an auspicious time with no invasions or natural disasters looming, and generally tried his best to check up on all available data. From which point in space could they get the best view of a super nova? At which point in Darillium’s history would the towers not be overrun with tourists?
It kept him busy, and stopped him from thinking about Allison for whole minutes at a time. Stopped him from endlessly turning everything over in his head again and again and again.
Her reaction had been such that it had taken him time to even begin to process it. He’d been prepared for anger - for disbelief, for resentment, for anything under the suns.
But not for fear.
Not for her to look at him the way people looked at his father, when they understood what he was.
Pure, naked, bone deep, primal terror... She’d kept it under control, but it had radiated so clearly that he’d barely been able to move.
And he didn’t know what to do.
Even though he had never fooled himself into thinking that he had much of a chance to keep her, he’d had an endless litany of ideas for how to make it work. All useless, now.
(How could he prove that he’d never go evil? It was a prospect that frightened him too, after all.)
So he looked after his beautiful friends - if he couldn’t be happy, he could at least make sure that others had more than their share...
***
One day he took them to Woman Wept, walking underneath frozen waves a hundred feet tall - a frozen storm that reached to the horizon, breathtaking and awe-inspiring.
Josh and Jamie walked along, hand in hand, eyes wide with wonder, as the Seeker quietly fell behind.
Tilting his head he studied a frozen wave; tapped it experimentally.
Usually he’d be intrigued, curious to understand how had it happened - how to make it happen - how to prevent it.
Now, all he could think was: ‘This is me.’
He was frozen, the loss and grief paralysing him, making him unsure if and when he’d ever thaw.
Looking up, he saw his friends, smiling and chatting, and wondered how Jack had known.
He might be frozen, but their happiness was like twin suns that he could orbit - their warmth soaking him, just enough to keep going. He was living off them as surely as the Doctor lived off his Companions, but they didn’t seem to mind.
Belatedly he realised that they had stopped and were waiting for him, studying him with keen eyes.
“She’ll come round, Alex,” Josh said, and he could feel his hearts sink. He’d thought they’d let the planet’s name pass, but obviously not. He has far too transparent at the moment...
Slowly he shook his head. It was sweet of Josh to attempt to give him hope - he didn’t understand how it only made it worse.
“You can’t know that.”
A gentle smile, and really Josh was so gorgeous it should be criminal.
“I’ve come round, and I had a pretty rough introduction.”
The Seeker tried not to sigh.
“True. But it’s taken you five years - and you’re married to someone else. Plus, we were only friends. It’s not quite the same.”
At which point Josh’s stubborn, argumentative side showed up, as it always did.
“But don’t you love her?”
“Of course I love her. What’s that got to do with anything?”
Josh looked frustrated.
“If you love her, and she loves you-”
The Seeker smiled bitterly. He’d acquired a whole line in bitter smiles by now...
“Ah. You see, there’s the snag. She loves Alex. Me she’s mostly terrified of.”
Josh frowned, tilting his head.
“I don’t think it’s healthy to refer to yourself in the third person.”
“Now you know how she feels.”
“But-”
“Josh please, I can’t do this...”
He shot Jamie a pleading look, and Jamie readily took his cue. Wonderful Jamie who understood his pain, and would hopefully be able to explain it to Josh...
Later that evening when he’d deposited his beautiful charges at a fantastical restaurant, with a view overlooking migrating Isolis, he pondered how things had changed from just a few years ago...
He’d had two friends since childhood - Matt, who had taken the aliens and all the revelations more or less in his stride, and Josh who had balked; Josh who had for the next many years chafed against everything he, the Seeker, was and stood for.
Yet it was Matt who had slipped out of his grasp - Matt who had quietly and slowly distanced himself. The Seeker had sent him to look after Allison, and he was sure he had - Matt was the very byword for stability. But he didn’t want the Seeker’s world.
It was Josh who was now with him, married to an otherworldly creature, stepping out into the universe with bright eyes, accepting him more completely than he’d ever thought possible. Although... Thanks to Jack, Josh had been drawn into his world to a much greater degree from a much younger age. Maybe that’s why Josh had reacted so badly? It had been more personal, and thus more difficult to accept.
They gave him hope though, stupid as it was. Their entwined hands spoke not just of physical intimacy, but of a shared mind. And if Josh could trust Jamie so completely - then maybe, maybe, maybe Allison would some day trust him too?
He sighed, burying head in his hands.
He had to stop doing this. He’d end up driving himself insane...
***
They spent weeks travelling. Saw schools of starwhales, and the birth of a galaxy. Walked amongst the Forest of Cheem on the first day of spring, and stood on a moon made of diamonds. Visited gravity defying palaces made of pearl, and cities under the sea populated by merpeople shimmering like coral.
The Seeker began to wonder just how much beauty he could cope with considering his broken hearts... What had initially been a balm was beginning to be a burden. So much happiness and wonder, just out of his reach.
But then Josh and Jamie had lives to get back to, and all good things had to come to an end.
***
Their last stop was Arcadia.
The Seeker checked them into the very best hotel, the honeymoon suite a glass domed penthouse with a view so breathtaking many newly weds were said to never even get undressed. And tonight there was going to be a particularly extraordinary meteor shower lighting up the sky... As a finale to their whirlwind tour of the wonders of the universe it’d do very nicely indeed.
The penthouse was on two levels - below were sitting rooms and bathrooms and all the practical things anyone could want, and above was just a huge circular platform covered by a glass-membrane dome. There was a balcony all the way around, but most people stayed on the big round bed that took up most of the floor.
Josh and Jamie loved it of course. After having run back and forth exhausting the incredible view they eventually fell on the bed, looking up at the darkening sky and admiring the heavens.
“Enjoy,” he said, about to step onto the transmat that would take him to the lobby far below, when Josh sat up.
“Hey - don’t leave already.”
“I think you probably want to be alone...” he replied (he couldn’t count the number of times he’d nearly - and not-so-nearly - walked in on them, and was in no hurry to watch the prelude), but Josh waved him over.
“Don’t be silly. Come. Sit down.”
Sighing, the Seeker obediently walked across to the bed, settling himself on the edge, figuring that they probably wanted to say thank you, or something similar. Or thought that he would like to share the view of the meteor shower, which was very kind.
What happened next took him completely by surprise.
Josh leaned forward, put a hand on his leg.
“Alex... We’ve been watching you, and you’re not doing well. You need someone. We can be that someone if you will let us.”
Josh was studying him with great seriousness, and Jamie, behind him, laid a hand on the Seeker’s shoulder as sie leaned hir head against his.
‘We could sing you sleep and soothe your pain’ sie said, and (feeling supremely slow) the Seeker realised that they were actually coming onto him. No one had ever tried to seduce him before, and - despite everything - he felt a thrill at the sensation.
“Oh,” he said, looking at Josh with sudden understanding, and Josh leaned in.
“We wasted so much time..." Josh continued, voice low. "We could make up for that now.”
(The words brought back Josh talking to him in the student union bar, back in spring - ‘I never knew it was option!’ he’d said back then. He’d clearly been giving it some thought since.)
“This is not the honeymoon I was expecting to give you,” the Seeker eventually said, cautious. He didn’t want to upset his friends...
In response Josh’s eyes seemed to glow, as his hand caressed the Seeker’s cheek, his finger brushing his lips, and the Seeker could feel his breath catch.
(Stars it was tempting... Letting himself go, allow pleasure to wash everything away, even if it was just for a single night - and at that moment he suddenly understood Jack’s message... ‘What drink/drug/species would you recommend as the fastest (preferably non-lethal, but I’m not fussy) route to oblivion?’ he had asked. This was clearly Jack’s response...)
And Josh (beautiful, gorgeous Josh) was looking at him with a look he couldn’t begin to quantify. Something different from lust or benevolence.
“We’ve been talking, Jamie and I. We wanted something... out of this world, something extraordinary for our honeymoon. But why confine the wonders of the universe only to the daytime? Why not have our very own wonder, right here in our arms?”
Between one beat of his hearts and the next, a weight seemed to settle in the Seeker’s chest.
“I’m a wonder of the universe?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper, and the response came from Jamie as sie tightened hir hold.
‘You are more than that. You are golden eternity, singular, unlike anything in the world. Josh should build you temples.’
The weight in his chest was now making it hard to breathe, and his eyes were burning.
“I don’t-” he began, but couldn’t continue as everything suddenly came unstuck.
The tears were hot and seemingly never ending. He could feel his whole body giving itself over to grief, yet was unable to help it. It was a lifetime’s worth of heartbreak and loss and sorrow - everything he had known to be true since he looked in the Schism; yet there was a difference between knowing what would be, and going through it.
Gentle hands and gentler mental touches tried to soothe as best they could, but if he’d been able to speak he would have told that although it was appreciated there was nothing to be done. He needed this catharsis. He’d been on a breaking point for so long, and this was clearly the last straw - the frozen shell he’d been trapped in cracking open in one perfect break.
***
Finally, spent and exhausted, he made his way down to the bathroom, Josh and Jamie conscientiously making sure he was OK to go by himself.
Cold water calmed the effects of the crying, and he studied himself in the mirror for a long, long moment.
Had it only been a few weeks since the great break?
It felt so much longer.
His face was exactly as it had always been, yet it was if he’d never seen it before.
He had found himself when he was only eight, but his old self - the shadow-self, the human lie that carried his face - had still been there; the mask a far more integral part of him than even he had suspected. And tearing it off had been an experience that had unsettled him far more than he had anticipated.
What he’d not known was that he wouldn’t be able to go back. That once the mask was off, it’d be lost for good.
But what was done, was done. He could only be what he was. Maybe it was for the best - the compromise had torn him in half for so long that he’d almost lost himself.
“Goodbye Alex,” he eventually said, voice soft and regretful.
Then he slowly removed the pendant from around his neck. The perception filter had been inactive since he had shown Allison, but even the teleport felt obsolete.
He would never hide or run again.
Taking a deep breath, he refocussed on the present.
His friends. Probably still waiting, wondering, unsure.
His... friends. Was that even what they were, now? He had always known that with every truth revealed he’d lose them a little more, but the shock of the final loss had been far worse than he’d anticipated. But then he’d been like the Doctor these past few weeks, the enabler of adventures far outside anything ordinary - their very own miracle maker. He should have seen it coming... The flip side to Allison.
Truly the world of humans was no longer his in any way. The almost physical reality of the loss still unbalanced him, but the worst seemed to be over. He just needed time to adjust, to absorb everything, get used to being just himself.
When he returned to the penthouse the other two silently made room for him on the bed. Lying down alongside them, grateful for the silence, he looked up and was suddenly aware of the meteor shower, which he had completely forgotten about. It was spellbinding in its exquisite beauty, and he could feel peace settling for the first time in weeks - as well as something like resolve.
He could only be what he was; trying to pretend otherwise had only brought him (and everyone around him) pain...
Turning to Josh, he smiled gently.
“I’ll be your wonder.”
As he leaned in to capture his friend’s lips - Jamie’s mind dancing along in elation - he had no idea how true his words would become.
***
Later.
The boy sat on the balcony, predawn light illuminating the sky in pale shades of colours defying description.
A doomed world; a world his uncle would fail to save, the memory of which would haunt him forever more.
But the boy didn’t see the beauty on display, nor remembered the tragedy to come - except as a backdrop to the events that were unfolding in his own life.
He’d only meant to be kind - to give his friends something wondrous.
Had wanted to do it right; not unplanned and uncontrolled like with Allison... Josh knew what he was, Jamie had seen it, so he had wanted to make sure his friends had a night they’d never forget.
As a thank you; as a gift.
He had not known- had not anticipated- not thought- not realised...
(The new-old memory flickered in his mind, his father’s cunning, calculating eyes watching him as if he could see through to his very soul.)
He had never been so scared.
(Stars above, what else was hidden in his mind without his knowledge?)
All he could see was Josh’s face, caught in bliss and rapture, looking at him as if for the first time, breathless, his name on his lips like a prayer.
‘Seeker...’
It had been like worship, a complete surrender...
(Jamie following, or leading the way, he wasn’t sure, they were so entwined in every way that he hadn’t been able to tell them apart.)
He hadn’t known he could do that. Had only thought it possible as a violation, as something forced - not something given freely.
Except that wasn’t really true...
They just hadn’t known what they’d been offering. And he hadn’t known that he was taking it.
Hadn’t known he could.
Hadn’t even realised that that was what he was doing...
(Allie, he thought. This is why she left. It wasn’t what he could become. It’s what he already was. Her visceral horror at having her mind invaded unexpectedly given new context.)
Because in the middle of all this - a new memory. A memory from long ago, suddenly asserting itself, unbidden, having been hidden for so very long...
He didn’t want it. It revolted him; made him queasy. But he couldn’t escape it. And he needed to understand what the hell he had done.
Reluctantly he played it out in his mind properly, delving in deep and reliving it, trying to understand what had actually happened - then and now.
And here he was. Josh’s face overlaying his mother’s; the same reverence, the same surrender.
Worst of all part of him wanted it. Wanted to... keep them. All that beauty and delight at his fingertips, willing and eager to please. If he could not have love, then he could have every other bliss...
(No one would even question it. Heck, the two of them had even instigated it in the first place, and would never suspect a thing...)
Except, of course, that the whole thing made him feel sick. He didn’t want puppets, he wanted his friends. And if he couldn’t have love, then replacing it with a teflon copy wasn’t the answer.
Besides he was scared. Turning into his father would be so easy he was almost physically shaking.
He swallowed. His insides were in turmoil... If he’d been like Woman Wept, everything had now abruptly been reversed. It felt like a storm inside, and he didn’t know where to turn to for handhold...
Well... He did know. Except it would require an extraordinary amount of humility, which didn’t sit well with him at all. (This was always their problem - pride. Pride, pride, pride. No wonder it was the cardinal sin. Humans had an uncanny knack for blundering across basic truths.)
He would have to go to the Doctor. Have to say ‘I don’t know what I did, help me. Please - I need you to fix my friends, because I broke them somehow.’
It would amount to infinite layers of discomfort and embarrassment.
The Doctor, whose advice on sex had essentially boiled down to ‘Don’t even think about it until you’re a hundred.’
(In the circumstances, he should probably not have retorted with ‘Because you and Dad totally waited that long! Please. Frolicking about in red meadows for days on end, don’t expect me to believe you never did something you shouldn’t!’ Not his finest hour. Well, not his most tactful at any rate... The Doctor had never hit him, ever, but had at that point looked ready to give him a sound smack.)
He smiled joylessly. Considering the issue now, the best preventative measure he could imagine would unquestionably have been a warning that if he wasn’t very, very, very careful his father’s face - followed by a horrifically disturbing and traumatising memory - would be unlocked and show up in the middle of love making. That would have made him careful.
Heck, he might never have had sex at all.
But no, the Doctor had just found the whole thing hideously embarrassing, being fifty shades of impossibly awkward and reticent - unlike Jack who’d been forthcoming and helpful. Except Jack couldn’t help him now.
Because he didn’t know what he’d done.
Maybe that’s what the Doctor had meant? That he didn’t have sufficient training and understanding yet. Maybe he and Dad had done something equally stupid and dangerous and that’s why he’d warned him off trying anything.
But why oh why hadn’t he just said so?
- Before he’d accidentally done something to his girlfriend that had terrified her.
- Before he’d accidentally done something to his friends that terrified him.
He was the Seeker, it was his very nature to seek things out! What had the Doctor expected him to do? Sit around like a good little boy - look, don’t touch? At university. On Earth. Surrounded by beautiful humans at the peak of their sensuality and willingness to experiment? And unaware of his potential...
Could there be a middle way? Something between the Doctor’s careful distance from his companions, and his father’s dominance.
Without bricking up walls between who he was. Again.
He could feel tears burning in his eyes once more, irrationally wishing that he had the stuffed toys of his childhood with him. He needed to hug something he couldn’t hurt.
‘Why isn’t anyone looking after me?’ he wondered miserably, ‘There should be someone stopping me from doing stuff like this.’
The answer was immediate: ‘Because I won’t let them. Because I lie and cheat. Because I’m an expert at projecting an image of maturity.’
He stopped, examining this.
He was an expert because that’s what he’d been brought up to be. They’d taught him to lie above all else. Never let the mask slip, never let on what you are. Be in control. Always.
From infancy.
And he’d become exactly what they wanted, what they’d trained him to be - and more. They’d taught him to lie, and lie he had done.
But it ended now.
(‘Take what you’ve discovered, project it forward, learn from it, use it. Don’t be caught out again.’ The question of the hour being: But how? This was not as simple as constructing a teleport...)
He’d thought that once he was free from Cambridge he’d go back to his regular studies - learning everything from the tiniest particle of an atom to the greatest of galaxies. Now he realised that first and foremost he needed to focus on what he was. Explore his mind, all the things he was capable of - and develop proper control, proper understanding. Not simply going with his natural instincts, because clearly they were shite. Just because he was gifted didn’t mean that he could intuitively work out what the correct thing was. (Pazithi Gallifreya, it was so obvious in hindsight. He felt like a monumental fool, and he didn’t like it. But... better a fool with his hearts in the right place, than an arrogant fool who couldn’t admit the folly of his ways. That lesson was one that had sunk in.)
It was a shame that the only other Time Lords around weren’t very good at this. The Doctor and the Redjay were impulsive and emotional, and although they’d know the theory, the actual teaching might be a problem... Well. Mentally they were probably perfectly trained - he couldn’t look inside their heads after all, so he shouldn't assume too much - but that training would have taken place a thousand years earlier, and be second nature now. Maybe their TARDISes might have some records that could help? His father was of course very controlled, but he really didn’t want to avail himself of that particular resource.
Maybe he could search out mystics - teachers like Aang had in Avatar. Time Lords weren’t the only telepathic species out there, there had to be trusted and proven techniques...
He sighed. It was exhausting having to raise himself... But he never wanted to hurt anyone ever again, if he could help it.
***
They found him on the balcony - curled up, silent and watchful, although his eyes were not on the horizon.
“Seeker?” Josh asked, kneeling down by the round chair.
“Sorry,” their Time Lord replied after a moment, his face pale and unlike himself. “I didn’t mean to.”
“Seeker,” Josh said again, taking his hand. “You needed to let it all out.”
The Seeker shook his head, still looking spooked - as if he’d seen a ghost. A million miles from the wonderous creature who’d shared their bed last night.
“That’s not it,” he said, avoiding their eyes.
“Then what is it?” Jamie asked, studying him with a frown as sie pulled a silk kimono around hir.
He swallowed, looking... guilty. Yes that was it. Why was the question.
Studying Josh, he pressed his lips together before answering.
“Since when have you called me ‘Seeker’?”
He didn’t wait for an answer, continuing immediately, eyes suddenly finding Josh’s with near-unnerving intensity.
“Since last night. You never call me Seeker. You think it’s a stupid name.”
“But I didn’t understand,” he protested. “Didn’t know what you are...”
“And now you do,” the Seeker said.
Josh smiled.
“Yes. Oh yes.”
And again he was rendered speechless at what the night had brought. Of course Jamie had tried to explain, but it wasn’t the same - and even Jamie had only had a snippet before.
His - their - world would never be the same... ‘A wonder of the universe’ they’d called him. They’d had no idea. He was so much more...
Reaching out, the Seeker gently cupped his face, and Josh could feel his mental touch in his mind, featherlight and tender.
“Would you stay with me?” the Seeker suddenly asked, his face caught in an undefinable expression, and Josh could only marvel at the ridiculousness of the question.
“Of course we would!”
He turned to catch Jamie’s eyes, and saw his beloved smile in perfect harmony.
“Forever?” the Seeker asked, biting his lip.
“Yes.”
Abruptly letting his hands fall, the Seeker stood up and walked away, stopping in the doorway to study them, face like a mask.
“I’m going to take you home now.”
Josh stood up, Jamie joining him and taking his hand, as they watched their Time Lord, wondering what had happened.
“Did we do something wrong?” Jamie finally asked, and the Seeker once more looked as if he was going to burst into tears.
The next second he was hugging them, holding them so close they could barely breathe.
“No. No, never. I don’t know how I’d have coped without you, and truly I can never thank you enough! Please, don't ever think you did something wrong, you were too wonderful for words. It was me that screwed up. And I can’t- I can't do this anymore. I need to sort myself out, learn how to stop using people.”
He let go, studying them with a wobbly smile.
“Besides - I’ve got to write a speech for graduation.”
Chapter 29
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Autumn 2028
Characters (this chapter): the Seeker, Jamie, Josh. (OCs)
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 5500 approx
Feedback: Makes my world go round... No really. You have no idea.
A/N: Written before we knew that Arcadia was a Gallifreyan city. Here it is a planet.
Chapter 28
He was woken by a persistent knocking on his door.
The building had been designed to amplify certain noises - such as someone knocking on the door - and the Seeker sat up in his bed, confused.
He was the only person on the whole planet, so who was knocking?
Well Jack had been looking after him for the past week, but he never knocked. And the Seeker couldn’t sense him.
Walking through the house on bare feet, trying to banish the dreams that still clung to him (hopeless, hopeful dreams, he wished he knew how to banish them), he ended up at the door, studying it. Eventually he pulled it open, and was greeted with what was pretty close to the last sight he’d expected.
“Hello Alex,” Josh said, looking even more stunning than usual in a loose white shirt combined with black trousers and tall boots.
Next to him Jamie was smiling enigmatically, wearing something golden and flowing that shifted in the gentle breeze, emphasising hir androgynous outline.
“Hello...” he replied, too stunned to say much, as he slowly took in the small mountain of luggage behind them.
“What... What are you doing here?”
“We’re on our honeymoon,” Josh replied, eyes dancing, “but Jack is getting tired of ferrying us around. So we thought you could be our chauffeur round the wonders of the universe.”
The Seeker slowly shook his head.
“But surely the Doctor will be happy to take you?”
Josh looked mildly offended.
“Because I really want to spend some of the most magical weeks of our lives running down dirty corridors foiling alien invasions.”
“And I can’t run in these shoes,” Jamie added.
Looking at the shoes in question, the Seeker thought that ‘shoe’ wasn’t really the correct word. They appeared to be some kind of sandals, fashioned from golden ribbons, with a wedge heel. Mostly they seemed horribly impractical, but then shoes weren’t his thing. He had several pairs of trainers (which were comfortable) and a single pair of patent leather shoes for ‘best’ that he wore when forced.
“Besides,” Josh added, reaching out and laying a hand on his shoulder, eyes suddenly serious. “Jack said we were the answer to your question.”
Staring at his friend for the longest time, the Seeker still couldn’t get his head around what was happening.
“What question?”
Josh shrugged.
“I don’t know, he didn’t say. Don’t shoot the messenger, OK?”
Jamie had been looking up at the sky, craning hir neck to see beyond the brim of hir hat.
“The sky really is burnt orange... Can we see your planet first Alex? Jack said something about silver trees...”
“I - I suppose,” he replied, too thrown to put up a fight. It would certainly be a distraction. And if Jack had sent them...
“Listen, I just need to get some breakfast first. Come in, if you want.”
“What about our suitcases?” Jamie said, and he smiled.
“There’s no one else here. But I’ll get one of the bots to move everything onto my ship. I’m presuming it’s the outfits you can’t live without.”
Grinning, Josh walked past him in to the house.
“Don’t tell me, I think I remember the way...”
Company.
Company that had seen him at his worst, knew exactly what he was, and couldn’t be shocked.
Maybe this was a good idea after all?
It certainly couldn’t make him gloomier than he already was.
The following weeks were full of more exquisite beauty and exceptional events than his entire life up to that point.
It helped that he already had a ‘List of Extraordinary Places’ all worked out. He’d carefully edited it over the past three years, on the off-chance that Allison would stay with him, or at least agree to let him show her the marvels of the universe.
There was an undeniable bitterness in using it for people other than the intended recipient, but he didn’t have the mental capacity to come up with a whole new list. Especially since it wasn’t just a case of picking suitable places, he needed to make sure they arrived at an auspicious time with no invasions or natural disasters looming, and generally tried his best to check up on all available data. From which point in space could they get the best view of a super nova? At which point in Darillium’s history would the towers not be overrun with tourists?
It kept him busy, and stopped him from thinking about Allison for whole minutes at a time. Stopped him from endlessly turning everything over in his head again and again and again.
Her reaction had been such that it had taken him time to even begin to process it. He’d been prepared for anger - for disbelief, for resentment, for anything under the suns.
But not for fear.
Not for her to look at him the way people looked at his father, when they understood what he was.
Pure, naked, bone deep, primal terror... She’d kept it under control, but it had radiated so clearly that he’d barely been able to move.
And he didn’t know what to do.
Even though he had never fooled himself into thinking that he had much of a chance to keep her, he’d had an endless litany of ideas for how to make it work. All useless, now.
(How could he prove that he’d never go evil? It was a prospect that frightened him too, after all.)
So he looked after his beautiful friends - if he couldn’t be happy, he could at least make sure that others had more than their share...
One day he took them to Woman Wept, walking underneath frozen waves a hundred feet tall - a frozen storm that reached to the horizon, breathtaking and awe-inspiring.
Josh and Jamie walked along, hand in hand, eyes wide with wonder, as the Seeker quietly fell behind.
Tilting his head he studied a frozen wave; tapped it experimentally.
Usually he’d be intrigued, curious to understand how had it happened - how to make it happen - how to prevent it.
Now, all he could think was: ‘This is me.’
He was frozen, the loss and grief paralysing him, making him unsure if and when he’d ever thaw.
Looking up, he saw his friends, smiling and chatting, and wondered how Jack had known.
He might be frozen, but their happiness was like twin suns that he could orbit - their warmth soaking him, just enough to keep going. He was living off them as surely as the Doctor lived off his Companions, but they didn’t seem to mind.
Belatedly he realised that they had stopped and were waiting for him, studying him with keen eyes.
“She’ll come round, Alex,” Josh said, and he could feel his hearts sink. He’d thought they’d let the planet’s name pass, but obviously not. He has far too transparent at the moment...
Slowly he shook his head. It was sweet of Josh to attempt to give him hope - he didn’t understand how it only made it worse.
“You can’t know that.”
A gentle smile, and really Josh was so gorgeous it should be criminal.
“I’ve come round, and I had a pretty rough introduction.”
The Seeker tried not to sigh.
“True. But it’s taken you five years - and you’re married to someone else. Plus, we were only friends. It’s not quite the same.”
At which point Josh’s stubborn, argumentative side showed up, as it always did.
“But don’t you love her?”
“Of course I love her. What’s that got to do with anything?”
Josh looked frustrated.
“If you love her, and she loves you-”
The Seeker smiled bitterly. He’d acquired a whole line in bitter smiles by now...
“Ah. You see, there’s the snag. She loves Alex. Me she’s mostly terrified of.”
Josh frowned, tilting his head.
“I don’t think it’s healthy to refer to yourself in the third person.”
“Now you know how she feels.”
“But-”
“Josh please, I can’t do this...”
He shot Jamie a pleading look, and Jamie readily took his cue. Wonderful Jamie who understood his pain, and would hopefully be able to explain it to Josh...
Later that evening when he’d deposited his beautiful charges at a fantastical restaurant, with a view overlooking migrating Isolis, he pondered how things had changed from just a few years ago...
He’d had two friends since childhood - Matt, who had taken the aliens and all the revelations more or less in his stride, and Josh who had balked; Josh who had for the next many years chafed against everything he, the Seeker, was and stood for.
Yet it was Matt who had slipped out of his grasp - Matt who had quietly and slowly distanced himself. The Seeker had sent him to look after Allison, and he was sure he had - Matt was the very byword for stability. But he didn’t want the Seeker’s world.
It was Josh who was now with him, married to an otherworldly creature, stepping out into the universe with bright eyes, accepting him more completely than he’d ever thought possible. Although... Thanks to Jack, Josh had been drawn into his world to a much greater degree from a much younger age. Maybe that’s why Josh had reacted so badly? It had been more personal, and thus more difficult to accept.
They gave him hope though, stupid as it was. Their entwined hands spoke not just of physical intimacy, but of a shared mind. And if Josh could trust Jamie so completely - then maybe, maybe, maybe Allison would some day trust him too?
He sighed, burying head in his hands.
He had to stop doing this. He’d end up driving himself insane...
They spent weeks travelling. Saw schools of starwhales, and the birth of a galaxy. Walked amongst the Forest of Cheem on the first day of spring, and stood on a moon made of diamonds. Visited gravity defying palaces made of pearl, and cities under the sea populated by merpeople shimmering like coral.
The Seeker began to wonder just how much beauty he could cope with considering his broken hearts... What had initially been a balm was beginning to be a burden. So much happiness and wonder, just out of his reach.
But then Josh and Jamie had lives to get back to, and all good things had to come to an end.
Their last stop was Arcadia.
The Seeker checked them into the very best hotel, the honeymoon suite a glass domed penthouse with a view so breathtaking many newly weds were said to never even get undressed. And tonight there was going to be a particularly extraordinary meteor shower lighting up the sky... As a finale to their whirlwind tour of the wonders of the universe it’d do very nicely indeed.
The penthouse was on two levels - below were sitting rooms and bathrooms and all the practical things anyone could want, and above was just a huge circular platform covered by a glass-membrane dome. There was a balcony all the way around, but most people stayed on the big round bed that took up most of the floor.
Josh and Jamie loved it of course. After having run back and forth exhausting the incredible view they eventually fell on the bed, looking up at the darkening sky and admiring the heavens.
“Enjoy,” he said, about to step onto the transmat that would take him to the lobby far below, when Josh sat up.
“Hey - don’t leave already.”
“I think you probably want to be alone...” he replied (he couldn’t count the number of times he’d nearly - and not-so-nearly - walked in on them, and was in no hurry to watch the prelude), but Josh waved him over.
“Don’t be silly. Come. Sit down.”
Sighing, the Seeker obediently walked across to the bed, settling himself on the edge, figuring that they probably wanted to say thank you, or something similar. Or thought that he would like to share the view of the meteor shower, which was very kind.
What happened next took him completely by surprise.
Josh leaned forward, put a hand on his leg.
“Alex... We’ve been watching you, and you’re not doing well. You need someone. We can be that someone if you will let us.”
Josh was studying him with great seriousness, and Jamie, behind him, laid a hand on the Seeker’s shoulder as sie leaned hir head against his.
‘We could sing you sleep and soothe your pain’ sie said, and (feeling supremely slow) the Seeker realised that they were actually coming onto him. No one had ever tried to seduce him before, and - despite everything - he felt a thrill at the sensation.
“Oh,” he said, looking at Josh with sudden understanding, and Josh leaned in.
“We wasted so much time..." Josh continued, voice low. "We could make up for that now.”
(The words brought back Josh talking to him in the student union bar, back in spring - ‘I never knew it was option!’ he’d said back then. He’d clearly been giving it some thought since.)
“This is not the honeymoon I was expecting to give you,” the Seeker eventually said, cautious. He didn’t want to upset his friends...
In response Josh’s eyes seemed to glow, as his hand caressed the Seeker’s cheek, his finger brushing his lips, and the Seeker could feel his breath catch.
(Stars it was tempting... Letting himself go, allow pleasure to wash everything away, even if it was just for a single night - and at that moment he suddenly understood Jack’s message... ‘What drink/drug/species would you recommend as the fastest (preferably non-lethal, but I’m not fussy) route to oblivion?’ he had asked. This was clearly Jack’s response...)
And Josh (beautiful, gorgeous Josh) was looking at him with a look he couldn’t begin to quantify. Something different from lust or benevolence.
“We’ve been talking, Jamie and I. We wanted something... out of this world, something extraordinary for our honeymoon. But why confine the wonders of the universe only to the daytime? Why not have our very own wonder, right here in our arms?”
Between one beat of his hearts and the next, a weight seemed to settle in the Seeker’s chest.
“I’m a wonder of the universe?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper, and the response came from Jamie as sie tightened hir hold.
‘You are more than that. You are golden eternity, singular, unlike anything in the world. Josh should build you temples.’
The weight in his chest was now making it hard to breathe, and his eyes were burning.
“I don’t-” he began, but couldn’t continue as everything suddenly came unstuck.
Earth was burning and breaking apart and never his; Allison was stepping away from his touch with fear in her eyes; and his friends-
The tears were hot and seemingly never ending. He could feel his whole body giving itself over to grief, yet was unable to help it. It was a lifetime’s worth of heartbreak and loss and sorrow - everything he had known to be true since he looked in the Schism; yet there was a difference between knowing what would be, and going through it.
Gentle hands and gentler mental touches tried to soothe as best they could, but if he’d been able to speak he would have told that although it was appreciated there was nothing to be done. He needed this catharsis. He’d been on a breaking point for so long, and this was clearly the last straw - the frozen shell he’d been trapped in cracking open in one perfect break.
Finally, spent and exhausted, he made his way down to the bathroom, Josh and Jamie conscientiously making sure he was OK to go by himself.
Cold water calmed the effects of the crying, and he studied himself in the mirror for a long, long moment.
Had it only been a few weeks since the great break?
It felt so much longer.
His face was exactly as it had always been, yet it was if he’d never seen it before.
He had found himself when he was only eight, but his old self - the shadow-self, the human lie that carried his face - had still been there; the mask a far more integral part of him than even he had suspected. And tearing it off had been an experience that had unsettled him far more than he had anticipated.
What he’d not known was that he wouldn’t be able to go back. That once the mask was off, it’d be lost for good.
But what was done, was done. He could only be what he was. Maybe it was for the best - the compromise had torn him in half for so long that he’d almost lost himself.
“Goodbye Alex,” he eventually said, voice soft and regretful.
Then he slowly removed the pendant from around his neck. The perception filter had been inactive since he had shown Allison, but even the teleport felt obsolete.
He would never hide or run again.
Taking a deep breath, he refocussed on the present.
His friends. Probably still waiting, wondering, unsure.
His... friends. Was that even what they were, now? He had always known that with every truth revealed he’d lose them a little more, but the shock of the final loss had been far worse than he’d anticipated. But then he’d been like the Doctor these past few weeks, the enabler of adventures far outside anything ordinary - their very own miracle maker. He should have seen it coming... The flip side to Allison.
Truly the world of humans was no longer his in any way. The almost physical reality of the loss still unbalanced him, but the worst seemed to be over. He just needed time to adjust, to absorb everything, get used to being just himself.
When he returned to the penthouse the other two silently made room for him on the bed. Lying down alongside them, grateful for the silence, he looked up and was suddenly aware of the meteor shower, which he had completely forgotten about. It was spellbinding in its exquisite beauty, and he could feel peace settling for the first time in weeks - as well as something like resolve.
He could only be what he was; trying to pretend otherwise had only brought him (and everyone around him) pain...
Turning to Josh, he smiled gently.
“I’ll be your wonder.”
As he leaned in to capture his friend’s lips - Jamie’s mind dancing along in elation - he had no idea how true his words would become.
Later.
The boy sat on the balcony, predawn light illuminating the sky in pale shades of colours defying description.
A doomed world; a world his uncle would fail to save, the memory of which would haunt him forever more.
But the boy didn’t see the beauty on display, nor remembered the tragedy to come - except as a backdrop to the events that were unfolding in his own life.
He’d only meant to be kind - to give his friends something wondrous.
Had wanted to do it right; not unplanned and uncontrolled like with Allison... Josh knew what he was, Jamie had seen it, so he had wanted to make sure his friends had a night they’d never forget.
As a thank you; as a gift.
He had not known- had not anticipated- not thought- not realised...
(The new-old memory flickered in his mind, his father’s cunning, calculating eyes watching him as if he could see through to his very soul.)
He had never been so scared.
(Stars above, what else was hidden in his mind without his knowledge?)
All he could see was Josh’s face, caught in bliss and rapture, looking at him as if for the first time, breathless, his name on his lips like a prayer.
‘Seeker...’
It had been like worship, a complete surrender...
(Jamie following, or leading the way, he wasn’t sure, they were so entwined in every way that he hadn’t been able to tell them apart.)
He hadn’t known he could do that. Had only thought it possible as a violation, as something forced - not something given freely.
Except that wasn’t really true...
They just hadn’t known what they’d been offering. And he hadn’t known that he was taking it.
Hadn’t known he could.
Hadn’t even realised that that was what he was doing...
(Allie, he thought. This is why she left. It wasn’t what he could become. It’s what he already was. Her visceral horror at having her mind invaded unexpectedly given new context.)
Because in the middle of all this - a new memory. A memory from long ago, suddenly asserting itself, unbidden, having been hidden for so very long...
He didn’t want it. It revolted him; made him queasy. But he couldn’t escape it. And he needed to understand what the hell he had done.
Reluctantly he played it out in his mind properly, delving in deep and reliving it, trying to understand what had actually happened - then and now.
He had been little. Like really small. Two, maybe three. He’d had Igglepiggle, and tried to measure his past self against the stuffed toy, size-wise. Two, then.
He’d woken in the night, for some reason. Possibly TARDIS engines fading away. Whatever it had been, he’d sensed his father, and happily crept out of bed, Igglepiggle in his arms. They never knew exactly when dad would be coming, but it was roughly once a month and he wanted to greet him straight away.
Following his senses he’d tiptoed along the landing before silently pushing his parents’ bedroom door open.
His older self paused, trying to reconstruct what must have happened. His father had returned. His mother must have woken too, and been halfway across the bedroom floor by the time Dad reached the bedroom door.
At which point Dad had intercepted her, pinning her to the wall... And his past self had entered.
Mum had been against the wall, wearing something shiny and silky, Dad holding her by the upper arms, hard enough to bruise even though Mum never ever did anything she shouldn’t. Dad had been wearing a suit, all Saxon and cool and demanding.
But the thing that stood out - the thing that chilled him even now, the thing that had made him freeze on the spot back then - had been the look on his mother’s face.
She hadn’t looked like Mum at all.
She’d looked... He couldn’t even describe it now. Like the people had, back when he was a tiny, tiny baby on the Valiant. Enchanted. Literally. Caught in a web; ensnared, worshipful.
And she’d whispered Dad’s name like it wasn’t a name at all.
‘Master...’
He’d not understood any of it then, but reconstructing it now it made sense, in the way things with his father generally did - his mother’s complete submission, his father’s need for control and dominance.
Because that had been the other thing stopping him. The naked hunger he’d seen on his father’s face, like Dad could have physically eaten or devoured her. The same look he’d had in his eyes when he’d killed Jack. A primal need so forceful it could push anything and everything else out of the way...
And his father was now a prisoner, unable to assert himself - except when it came to his mother. So she had to make up for the loss of a world. The Seeker felt sick. He knew his parents did not exactly have a healthy relationship, but this...
He must have made a noise of some kind, his parents abruptly noticing his presence and the intensity of the scene shattering as they turned to him.
Mum had tried to smile, untangling herself from Dad’s grip, reassuring, calming, just Mum once again.
(He must have looked terrified he thought. Small and silent and scared. Mum obviously - being human - wanted to comfort him. But Dad... Dad saw it as weakness.)
‘Alexander darling,’ Mum had said. ‘Mum and Dad were just playing a little game. Grown-ups do that sometimes. It’s nothing to worry about, OK?’
He’d nodded, but Dad had adjusted his cuff links and told her to move, crouching down in front of him.
‘Nice try Lucy, but he’s not that stupid - you forget what he’s capable of. Great One, you know you are special, don’t you? That you are so much more than all the little humans in this world, right?’
He’d nodded again, clutching Igglepiggle more tightly.
‘Good,’ Dad had continued, his cunning, calculating eyes watching him as if he could see through to his very soul. ‘And I’m sure you remember how... biddable everyone was, back when Daddy ruled the world. Because that’s how it’s supposed to be. We are Time Lords, born to rule over the lesser - like how humans rule over the animals, how the clever people rule over the stupid. And your mother understands this...’
A hesitation, before he continued - the child not grasping the significance of the odd shading to the next words; the older boy understanding far too well and wishing he didn’t.
‘So she is obedient. In every way.’
He’d bitten his lip, remembering what the Doctor had told him about how he (the Doctor) couldn’t be around all the time because he was looking after - and saving - people who couldn’t look after themselves. And kings both ruled and looked after people. It was sort of the same thing. And if he was a prince, like Daddy said, and he’d grow up to be a king, maybe, then he’d have to do that too...
That was as far as his thoughts had laboriously led him (his older self recalled the fairy tale illustrations he’d used when picturing the future and cursed his father all over again - the subtlety of the machinations and manipulation were breathtakingly masterful), when Mum had cut in.
‘Harry, he’s too small. He shouldn’t have seen that...’
Dad had pursed his lips, eyes narrowing as he mulled over the situation.
‘You may be right. Well, son, it shall have to be an Easter Egg, for some future day when you discover for yourself just how biddable people are, with the right kind of mental pressure.’
A sly smile, and then there had been cool fingertips to his temples and everything had gone black.
And here he was. Josh’s face overlaying his mother’s; the same reverence, the same surrender.
Worst of all part of him wanted it. Wanted to... keep them. All that beauty and delight at his fingertips, willing and eager to please. If he could not have love, then he could have every other bliss...
(No one would even question it. Heck, the two of them had even instigated it in the first place, and would never suspect a thing...)
Except, of course, that the whole thing made him feel sick. He didn’t want puppets, he wanted his friends. And if he couldn’t have love, then replacing it with a teflon copy wasn’t the answer.
Besides he was scared. Turning into his father would be so easy he was almost physically shaking.
He swallowed. His insides were in turmoil... If he’d been like Woman Wept, everything had now abruptly been reversed. It felt like a storm inside, and he didn’t know where to turn to for handhold...
Well... He did know. Except it would require an extraordinary amount of humility, which didn’t sit well with him at all. (This was always their problem - pride. Pride, pride, pride. No wonder it was the cardinal sin. Humans had an uncanny knack for blundering across basic truths.)
He would have to go to the Doctor. Have to say ‘I don’t know what I did, help me. Please - I need you to fix my friends, because I broke them somehow.’
It would amount to infinite layers of discomfort and embarrassment.
The Doctor, whose advice on sex had essentially boiled down to ‘Don’t even think about it until you’re a hundred.’
(In the circumstances, he should probably not have retorted with ‘Because you and Dad totally waited that long! Please. Frolicking about in red meadows for days on end, don’t expect me to believe you never did something you shouldn’t!’ Not his finest hour. Well, not his most tactful at any rate... The Doctor had never hit him, ever, but had at that point looked ready to give him a sound smack.)
He smiled joylessly. Considering the issue now, the best preventative measure he could imagine would unquestionably have been a warning that if he wasn’t very, very, very careful his father’s face - followed by a horrifically disturbing and traumatising memory - would be unlocked and show up in the middle of love making. That would have made him careful.
Heck, he might never have had sex at all.
But no, the Doctor had just found the whole thing hideously embarrassing, being fifty shades of impossibly awkward and reticent - unlike Jack who’d been forthcoming and helpful. Except Jack couldn’t help him now.
Because he didn’t know what he’d done.
Maybe that’s what the Doctor had meant? That he didn’t have sufficient training and understanding yet. Maybe he and Dad had done something equally stupid and dangerous and that’s why he’d warned him off trying anything.
But why oh why hadn’t he just said so?
- Before he’d accidentally done something to his girlfriend that had terrified her.
- Before he’d accidentally done something to his friends that terrified him.
He was the Seeker, it was his very nature to seek things out! What had the Doctor expected him to do? Sit around like a good little boy - look, don’t touch? At university. On Earth. Surrounded by beautiful humans at the peak of their sensuality and willingness to experiment? And unaware of his potential...
Could there be a middle way? Something between the Doctor’s careful distance from his companions, and his father’s dominance.
Without bricking up walls between who he was. Again.
He could feel tears burning in his eyes once more, irrationally wishing that he had the stuffed toys of his childhood with him. He needed to hug something he couldn’t hurt.
‘Why isn’t anyone looking after me?’ he wondered miserably, ‘There should be someone stopping me from doing stuff like this.’
The answer was immediate: ‘Because I won’t let them. Because I lie and cheat. Because I’m an expert at projecting an image of maturity.’
He stopped, examining this.
He was an expert because that’s what he’d been brought up to be. They’d taught him to lie above all else. Never let the mask slip, never let on what you are. Be in control. Always.
From infancy.
And he’d become exactly what they wanted, what they’d trained him to be - and more. They’d taught him to lie, and lie he had done.
But it ended now.
(‘Take what you’ve discovered, project it forward, learn from it, use it. Don’t be caught out again.’ The question of the hour being: But how? This was not as simple as constructing a teleport...)
He’d thought that once he was free from Cambridge he’d go back to his regular studies - learning everything from the tiniest particle of an atom to the greatest of galaxies. Now he realised that first and foremost he needed to focus on what he was. Explore his mind, all the things he was capable of - and develop proper control, proper understanding. Not simply going with his natural instincts, because clearly they were shite. Just because he was gifted didn’t mean that he could intuitively work out what the correct thing was. (Pazithi Gallifreya, it was so obvious in hindsight. He felt like a monumental fool, and he didn’t like it. But... better a fool with his hearts in the right place, than an arrogant fool who couldn’t admit the folly of his ways. That lesson was one that had sunk in.)
It was a shame that the only other Time Lords around weren’t very good at this. The Doctor and the Redjay were impulsive and emotional, and although they’d know the theory, the actual teaching might be a problem... Well. Mentally they were probably perfectly trained - he couldn’t look inside their heads after all, so he shouldn't assume too much - but that training would have taken place a thousand years earlier, and be second nature now. Maybe their TARDISes might have some records that could help? His father was of course very controlled, but he really didn’t want to avail himself of that particular resource.
Maybe he could search out mystics - teachers like Aang had in Avatar. Time Lords weren’t the only telepathic species out there, there had to be trusted and proven techniques...
He sighed. It was exhausting having to raise himself... But he never wanted to hurt anyone ever again, if he could help it.
They found him on the balcony - curled up, silent and watchful, although his eyes were not on the horizon.
“Seeker?” Josh asked, kneeling down by the round chair.
“Sorry,” their Time Lord replied after a moment, his face pale and unlike himself. “I didn’t mean to.”
“Seeker,” Josh said again, taking his hand. “You needed to let it all out.”
The Seeker shook his head, still looking spooked - as if he’d seen a ghost. A million miles from the wonderous creature who’d shared their bed last night.
“That’s not it,” he said, avoiding their eyes.
“Then what is it?” Jamie asked, studying him with a frown as sie pulled a silk kimono around hir.
He swallowed, looking... guilty. Yes that was it. Why was the question.
Studying Josh, he pressed his lips together before answering.
“Since when have you called me ‘Seeker’?”
He didn’t wait for an answer, continuing immediately, eyes suddenly finding Josh’s with near-unnerving intensity.
“Since last night. You never call me Seeker. You think it’s a stupid name.”
“But I didn’t understand,” he protested. “Didn’t know what you are...”
“And now you do,” the Seeker said.
Josh smiled.
“Yes. Oh yes.”
And again he was rendered speechless at what the night had brought. Of course Jamie had tried to explain, but it wasn’t the same - and even Jamie had only had a snippet before.
His - their - world would never be the same... ‘A wonder of the universe’ they’d called him. They’d had no idea. He was so much more...
Reaching out, the Seeker gently cupped his face, and Josh could feel his mental touch in his mind, featherlight and tender.
“Would you stay with me?” the Seeker suddenly asked, his face caught in an undefinable expression, and Josh could only marvel at the ridiculousness of the question.
“Of course we would!”
He turned to catch Jamie’s eyes, and saw his beloved smile in perfect harmony.
“Forever?” the Seeker asked, biting his lip.
“Yes.”
Abruptly letting his hands fall, the Seeker stood up and walked away, stopping in the doorway to study them, face like a mask.
“I’m going to take you home now.”
Josh stood up, Jamie joining him and taking his hand, as they watched their Time Lord, wondering what had happened.
“Did we do something wrong?” Jamie finally asked, and the Seeker once more looked as if he was going to burst into tears.
The next second he was hugging them, holding them so close they could barely breathe.
“No. No, never. I don’t know how I’d have coped without you, and truly I can never thank you enough! Please, don't ever think you did something wrong, you were too wonderful for words. It was me that screwed up. And I can’t- I can't do this anymore. I need to sort myself out, learn how to stop using people.”
He let go, studying them with a wobbly smile.
“Besides - I’ve got to write a speech for graduation.”
Chapter 29