Writing is hard...

[elisi]

We often complain about how awkward writing is... and how much bad!fic there is out there. But thanks to my marvellous flist, I bring you two examples of PUBLISHED writing that will make you want to scrub out your brain...

This is the most purple writing you'll ever read. No words of introduction can do it justice, trust me!

This on the other hand deserves some sort of bad sex award... (Srsly, there's stuff in there that Stoney would be proud to put in one of her posts. *is scarred*)

I promise to make an actual, sensible, post one of these days, but RL has been full of poorly children, and the next chapter of MI has been misbehaving. *kicks it*

Oh! Just remembered! If you need something GOOD (and hysterically funny) to read after those atrocities, I can recommend Angelus' Diary by st_salieri. It slayed me in the best way possible! :D

Comments

[candleanfeather.livejournal.com]

What? "Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon." ? ?? Bwahaha! Not only is it purple prose but it is purple prose that doesn't even make sense.

Thank you Elisi for these specimens.

I hope the children are better now.

[powerofthebook.livejournal.com]

After reading that second one, I may just stay a virgin. Yeesh.

Hope the kids are doing better!

[http://users.livejournal.com/opalescence_/]

I read a few paragraphs into the first one and had to stop. It was like some sort of descriptive adjective vomit fest. How did that get published? I am in shock.

[professorworm.livejournal.com]

Oh I will never again feel bad about my crappy attempts at writing, it almost gives me hope!

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Her face smelled like a moon and her tongue was like an amber ferret? WTF?? I didn't have the nerve to go further.

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

This is the most purple writing you'll ever read. No words of introduction can do it justice, trust me!


When you're right - you're right... "wanders off to bleach brain".

[diachrony.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. I sprung the $5 for the entire ebook last week ('Knight Moves') and it was totally worth the money. I shared with my best friend and oh, the lulz! I'm secretly tempted to look into more of that author's ouevre ... just for the fun of it.

(I suspect she may be doing it on purpose. I only found one typo in the entire ebook, it's just too neat and readable not to be done on purpose ... I hope ...)

[elisi]

You mean you missed her buzzing pubes? And her neck being like 'bottles of wine, covered with dew, and otters.'?

There really isn't enough wtf in the world! :)

[elisi]

Heeee! There is actually *one* great line in there (if you follow the link to the next few pages), but one line does not make up for the rest, sadly.)

[elisi]

I'm secretly tempted to look into more of that author's ouevre ... just for the fun of it.
I feel obliged to point out that you can get the same on LJ for free.

it's just too neat and readable not to be done on purpose ... I hope ...
Could be. I hope so, in which case she's laughing all the way to the bank!

[elisi]

See? I spread joy. :)

[elisi]

Apparently the rest of the book isn't quite as dire. But I don't know how it got published either - esp. since 'Spikenard' has got to be one of the ugliest names I've ever come across.

[elisi]

After reading that second one, I may just stay a virgin. Yeesh.
Maybe they should include that kinda thing in sex-ed? It'd put *anyone* off sex!

Hope the kids are doing better!
Thank you, they are. And we've got sunshine and everything now, it's v. nice. :)

[elisi]

Bwahaha! Not only is it purple prose but it is purple prose that doesn't even make sense.
Did you see the bit about her neck being like bottles of wine, covered with dew, and otters? My mind still boggles!

Thank you Elisi for these specimens.
I felt I had an obligation to share. :)

I hope the children are better now.
Yes they are, thank you. And my cold is going too!

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not sure you can really count 'publish on demand' books as ....err... published. While there are a handful of reputable publishers who use the method (erotica and lecture circuit stuff, largely), the rest is just original fic that hasn't even had as much external input as a typical ff.net story. PublishAmerica is probably the best known offender, but commenting on the writing samples (or cover art!) produced by them is a little close to kicking puppies :)

[elisi]

But kicking puppies is so much fun! *tries to look innocent* And if no one comments on how bad it is, how will they ever learn?

[diachrony.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I only manage to find the *good* fic on LJ - unless someone (like Stoney) specifically posts bad!fic excerpts! Not that I am complaining.

After reading that book my friend is wondering if she ought to try writing bad!erotica on purpose to make a little money - it seems like a surprisingly viable option.

[elisi]

Somehow, I only manage to find the *good* fic on LJ
You need trashier friends. ;)

it seems like a surprisingly viable option.
Only problem being that you'll have to learn to live with yourself...